The Kitchen Is On Fire

The boys are in the kitchen, cooking up some medicine. Or, if you will, some delicious snacks for their new bar, Enfant Terrible. This is their bid for a TV show, make no mistake. Consequently they discuss smoked oysters, cranberry sauce, Laurel and Hardy and toasties. Sam nearly had a Twitter 'beef' regarding AA Gill's passing. James reveals he once wore a nightshirt. Is the word 'spicy' too Frankie and Benny's? How much bread is too much bread? And is Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory really a not-very-subtle reference to what you see when you look up Grandpa Joe's nightie? Find out all this, and more, in this week's TKIOF.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP89-NIGHTSHIRT_NIGHTMARES.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 6:17am EST

There's a new president-elect and James and Sam are about as damn chuffed about this as everyone else. They cheer themselves up by discussing Hollyoaks actresses of yore, but can't help returning to discussing The Donald's diet of lemonade and fast food, as well as the new New York Michelin stars, chef Gabriel Kreuther, and cows' anuses. Sam roasted a topside of beef. James got bullied by a Pidgin customer. How many nuts do you need to buy for the apocalypse? What is the sixth quarter? And just how 'bulk' can you go? 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP88-BULK_BUYING_FOR_GOD.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 4:31am EST

A by-now legendary after-service recording occurs on Sam's birthday, with a debut appearance from 'sweet' Caitlin McDonald and yet another bizarre and shouty cameo from restaurant manager Jamie. They discuss honest criticism, arsehole volcanoes and whether people find James and Sam sexy. Sam has spent the day with sore testicles. James makes the strangest noise Sam has ever heard. What is a nugget? Why is Jamie shouting at Caitlin? What is a fish witch? Find out this week on the Kitchen Is On Fire.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP87-SWEET_CAITLIN_MCDONALD.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 6:56am EST

Sam and James' tails are up since their restaurant, Pidgin, was awarded a Michelin star. They agree it's time to knuckle down before moving onto in-depth discussions about yogurt on toast, Bristol restaurants, Spanish breakfast buffets, and Dutch food. Sam heroically brings about the return of the 'Obscene Ingredient' segment. James humiliates himself. Are navy outfits camp? Is Latin still a legitimate dinner-time language? And just what is the pecking order for eggs at a buffet? 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP86-EQUAL_OPPORTUNITY_EGG_COOKERY.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 4:33am EST

Sam and James are hanging out in James's office, much to his creepy delight. They chew over a debate they went to last week on French food, as well as pondering classic Italian restaurants featuring Kenny Rogers and quizzes in Paris. James bought a grouse. Sam is near-tumescent at his cavolo nero-heavy dinner at Pidgin. Why is James uneasy? What does kicking up the leaves mean? And can you milk Moby? 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP85-_MOBY_MILKING.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 5:52am EST

Direct download: TKIOF-EP84-JAMES20AND20SAM27S20BEDTIME20ROUTINE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:24am EST

After a summer hiatus our heroes return to give Pidgin restaurant manager Margot a send-off before she heads to South America. The funereal vibe doesn't last, and over a few drinks they cover organ donation, the colour of blood, arseless chaps and Mother Teresa. Sam eats a sausage. James doesn't think he could kill Sam. Margot is a Norse goddess. Is it racist to confuse Tina Turner and Whitney Houston? Will Margot miss them? How long is an era? Find out this week....

Direct download: TKIOF-EP83-_MARGOTS_FUNERAL_PARTY.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 3:38am EST

Sam and James continue to mine the very depths of human inquiry with their restless and curious minds, pondering hare krishna here, discussing Lady and the Tramp there. We have groundbreaking discussions about soylent, the difference between maceration and marination, and the fellatio cafe due to open in London. Sam was shouted at in a supermarket carpark. James says 'virgin' rather too much. What is the Pidgin motto?What did Italian police do to a lonely old couple? And was everybody, actually, kung fu fighting?

Direct download: TKIOF-EP82-_THE_HUMAN_SNOWFLAKE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:03am EST

After a brief hiatus the boys are back - to the future! And my word, the things they have seen. Nanobots taking over the planet, murderous toasters, people who can eat entire pint glasses, and cockroach milk. They also ponder the world's first 3D restaurant, the event horizon, and the resurrection of laptops. In many ways it's their most coherent effort yet, though they still find time to discuss food - egg sandwiches, cornichons, merguez sausages and Jeremy Beadle's diet are all scrutinised. Don't eat it all at once. 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP81-TOMORROWS_WORLD.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 4:00am EST

In which the silliest of billies discuss a bbq at John Torode's house, whether or not 'mummy' is a PC term, a witch's cottage and black coloured food.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP80-LURING20A20MULE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:56am EST

We begin with an apology to a listener for offending her with the boys' gross toasty mouths. They soon divert attention by accusing Louis Armstrong of dishonesty and Guy Fieri of grotesque bigotry. Sam went to Reykjavik with his mum. James nearly killed Kit Harrington. Do we have all the time in the world? Where do genitals go when you hug? And just how atrocious an actor is Ben Affleck? Find out all this and more in this week's TKIOF.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP79-RESPECT_THE_BATFLECK.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 4:23am EST

The people of Britain have spoken and the results are clear: Pidgin hasn't made it into the Restaurant Awards top 100. Sam is angry but pragmatic. James makes some toast. They discuss drinking champagne on the rocks, Gordon Ramsay's new app (again), and that timeless Tom Selleck film 'Runaway'. James talks about his graffiti shame. Sam thinks he has ADHD. Would they make good politicians? What happens when you chuck Dairylea at the ceiling? Can robots make bisque? Find out this week.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP78-UNIVERSAL_INDICATOR.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 3:07am EST

In a pre-referendum environment James and Sam are full of optimism and cheer. They ponder the temptation to do something truly reckless, why people grin during arguments, and Nigel Farage's abortive use of the term 'chinky'. James thinks lemon drizzle cake is delicious and reads his food diary, in which he eats pizza twice in one day. Sam can't remember what he cooked at the weekend due to alcohol intake but talks about sandwiches at length. What does the naked restaurant smell like? Is there life after death? And, when it comes to garlic, how much frotting is really necessary? 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP77-A_RIGHT_HANDFUL.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 3:15am EST

Over a steadying can of Special Brew the boys convene once more to tackle some of life's more profound topics, including the Highway Code, kryptonite condoms, and suckling pig. Sam shares his food diary for the week and talks about getting depressed and eating Sour Patch Kids. James says the most racist thing ever. How saucy is a dansak? What foul thing did Margot do? And just what are the tasting notes for Special Brew?

Direct download: TKIOF-EP76-A_MANURE_FILLED_HORN.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 11:46am EST

After a year of recording amidst the din of their restaurant, Pidgin, Sam and James find themselves back at James's breakfast table with a cup of coffee and a piece of toast. They ponder such big questions as to whether it is better to be good or right, the etiquette of keys parties, and whether or not John Travolta has killed anyone. Sam thinks he should win a Pulitzer. James puts a reminder in the barbecue. Is the guy from Crowded House a genius? Who has been the worst TKIOF guest? And just how brilliant is Sam? 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP75-PULITZER_FOR_AN_IDIOT.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 2:34am EST

Our heroes are joined by old friend, comrade, and employee Hugh Woodward on his return from India. They discuss time travel, punishment by food, and medieval weaponry. Hugh wears a nappy and grows cynical on his travels. James was made to stand on a bench in the school dining room. Sam claims he's a time traveler. Do cows eat butter? Where would you time travel to? Would you rather eat dinner with Stephen Hawking or Paul Daniels? Find out this, and more, on this week's episode: Time Travelers of Zong.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP74-TIME_TRAVELLERS_OF_ZONG.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 2:53am EST

There's a cheese surplus 'crisis' in the US and Sam has some suggestions about how to use up the excess. Few of them involve eating cheese. James keeps a bible by his bed and talks about milking cows. Sam wonders if milk turns to yogurt in an udder if unmilked, and rechristens Rick Stein 'Fish Mad Dick'. What are your favourite asparagus recipes? What do you covet? And what does a cow nipple actually feel like? Find out all this, and more, in this week's episode: Return to Cheese Mountain. 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP73-RETURN_TO_CHEESE_MOUNTAIN.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 6:27am EST

The sun is out which perhaps inevitably leads to a long and heated discussion of picnics. James loathes them, Sam is suspicious of them and Margot had an illegal one.Other topics flat-out mulled over include whether or not your kid is Bane, a roller coaster in Yorkshire and a killer curry. James gets attacked by a 1947 bottle of pricey port, Sam disses one of Pidgin’s neighbours and Margot once again advocates for drinking in the daytime. All this, plus further idiocy and tomfoolery on Episode 72: Death and Picnics.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP72-DEATH_AND_PICNICS.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 8:02am EST

Restaurant manager Margot returns from Down Under to rejoin our hosts. She's been taking nude photos and eating a lot of charcuterie. Sam thinks charcuterie needs 'wetting up'. James is a very sensual man with a long and involved facial care routine. Sam wore an entire football kit to a cathedral. Amid the torrents of nonsense there's a whole lot of name pronunciation confusion, another dumb email from a restaurant and James zones out when Sam talks. Classic TKIOF vibes abound on episode 71: Dano Vs Dano!

Direct download: TKIOF-EP71-DANO_VS_DANO.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 11:13am EST

After a freewheeling intro, the boys knuckle down to the serious question of epistemology, covering such groundbreaking topics as knowledge vs. intelligence, the Crossrail skulls, and what constitutes a 'foodie'. Sam gives an update on the nude pop-up restaurant and worries about 15-year-olds at parties. James talks about seafood and hayfever and lightyears and running around Bordeaux eating foie gras. Do you ever do your best? Is the earth really round? And do James and Sam ever share a bed?

Direct download: TKIOF-EP70-TWENTY_SEVEN_THOUSAND_NUDE_FOODIES.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 9:04am EST

It's episode sixty nine and the boys are making the most of this most puerile of numbers. They discuss a nudist pop-up restaurant, caramel on your balls, and having sex with mermaids. James recites a gross recipe and says 'delicious' a lot. Sam reads the weekly mail-out from a Chichester restaurant. What would you lie amongst, nude? Do you want Chicken Tonight? And what day is your Dolmio Day? 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP69-_IT_IS_EPISODE_SIXTY_NINE.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 11:06am EST

Things kick off with a ripping discussion on whether or not Mark Rylance could have played E.T. or Jaws. Conversation moves on to pondering weird food habits of the rich and famous, sexism, and potatoes. There's a cavolo nero update. Sam has developed a seafood allergy. James wants to be buried at sea after being fired from a human cannon. Margot wants to eat crab in prison. Can you eat a stickleback? How long does a fly's lifetime feel? How do you shoot a cow? Find out this week.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP68-_MARGOT_HASHTAG_YOLO.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:37am EST

Following a raucous family Easter the boys reconvene at Pidgin to catch up. They discuss disliking food that, as a 'foodie', one is supposed to like, as well as James Martin's final Saturday Kitchen appearance and violent Easter egg hunts. James doesn't believe the government. Sam embarrassed himself in Starbucks. Is Seth Rogen a good dude? Can chickens get wooden breasts? And how lowball is too lowball? 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP67-LOW_BALL_FAILURE.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 5:08am EST

Sam returns from a jaunt Stateside having eaten the hottest food on the planet and a pretty good dinner at Blanca. He and James discuss eating boiled eggs on a first date, doggie bags, and civet coffee. Sam gives a culinary crime update while James refuses to be lectured to by Judd Apatow. Was King Herod a bad dude or a matchmaker? Can you ride a giraffe? And what happens when you throw a python into a sushi restaurant? Find out all this and more on The Kitchen Is On Fire. 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP66-HASHTAG_SCRIPTURE.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 8:19am EST

Sam's all excited about his trip to New York where he plans to eat a gargantuan amount of food. James, meanwhile, has gone part-time vegetarian and isn't drinking. Sam is disappointed. They discuss eating meat, smoked hummus, and whether Angela Hartnett and Josh Hartnett would make good new presenters of Saturday Kitchen. We have a cavolo nero update from Sam and Margot joins to talk about her new shoes. Is Sam on a downward spiral? Is James converting to Buddhism? And just how much is too much time spent on a Japanese toilet? 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP65-A_DAY_IN_MARGOTS_SHOES.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 5:51am EST

The boys are back in town and have over-eaten again. Vibes are mellow. James has just had a massive ox cheek pudding. Sam ate some tuna and concedes that tuna is a bit gross. They talk about the office for a bit, James's brief editorship of a vegan magazine. and a charity dinner at the Globe featuring Simon Rimmer and Robbie Savage. Is it sad when classic restaurants close? Can Anthony Bourdain cook? And what drugs would you deal?

Direct download: TKIOF-EP64-JAMES_WEB.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 12:44pm EST

Everyone in London has turned to dust in some sort of weird apocalypse, leaving only a few survivors. Due to his preternatural cavolo nero consumption, Sam is one of those survivors. He cruises around London wearing a bikini, looking for pulled pork. Angela Hartnett is stalking him. In a parallel universe, James waxes lyrical about chicken broth, ox heart, and befriending thieves. Who will keep the world running? What's up with Eddie Izzard? And just why doesn't Sam want to hang out with Angela Hartnett? 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP63-ANGELAS_APOCALYPSE.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 12:00am EST

There's tension in the air as Valentine's Day approaches and the boys wonder whether or not there will be actual sex acts in the restaurant. On table four. James has hurt his wrist and their neighbour Sam the osteopath ("a stunning man") drops by for some impromptu hand rubbing. Sam from the podcast hates Mull Historical Society and ponders whether or not Jim from the Corrs is a holocaust denier. Is 'H Is For Hawk' a sexual read? Which animal would be more fun to be, a condor or a bear? And was Steven Avery responsible for Senator Marco Rubio breaking a tooth? 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP62-THE_MANITOWOC_TWIX_DEFENCE.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 12:56pm EST

James arrives at the studio/restaurant wearing a marvellous pair of trousers and the boys set to. They discuss Sigourney Weaver's eating habits, calorific kale salads in McDonalds, Buzzfeed lists, and the general shortcomings of the food media. James wonders whether if you ate an egg whole you could subsequently lay it. Sam has to go to the restaurant to meet a superfan. How many hardboiled eggs can you eat? Has Jason Statham's diet changed? And have James's new trousers made him funnier? Find out in this week's The Kitchen Is On Fire. 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP61-THE_WRONG_TROUSERS.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 10:37am EST

With Valentine's Day on the horizon, the boys get all romantic and ponder the things they truly, truly love. Sam, it turns out, loves cavolo nero. Loves it. James loves to cook lamb stew. Sam's been in the wars after being attacked by a colander. James talks about backgammon and haggis (again). Which beans do you love? Who loves crap bacon? And is dying in a restaurant the most memorable and romantic thing you can do on Valentine's Day? 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP60-CABBAGE_FOR_MY_VALENTINE.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 4:41am EST

The boys get down and dirty this week with some actual conversation about food. They ponder Jay Rayner's restaurant peeves, Gordon Ramsay's forthcoming video game, sausages, and 2016 food trends. There's a power cut at Pidgin and Sam thinks the term Blitz spirit is over-used. James finds an email from a listener sent months ago and feels bad. Whose mum is hotter? Could Foxtons sell Josef Fritzl's house? And what exactly is a genius? Find out this week, on The Kitchen Is On Fire.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP59-THE_GENIUS.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 4:20am EST

Fresh from a trip to San Francisco, Sam and James are back at Pidgin and joined by head chef Elizabeth Allen and some drunk dude. They discuss sooty bottoms, leather hot pants and grey hair. Liz gives a few insights into good eating in Singapore and has some news. James sings Michael Jackson. Sam threatens to murder his wife but proposes instead. Jamie speaks in tongues. Is haggis really nice? Why do Brits love Thanksgiving? Do you like food at wakes? Find out in this week's TKIOF.

Direct download: TKIOF-58-SWEET_BRA_MATHS.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 7:11am EST

We join our heroes sitting on the dock of the bay in San Francisco, eating some fruit, conceding that perhaps Alice Waters isn't entirely full of shit. They've gone to check out a restaurant, State Bird Provisions, and are killing time in the farmers' market, eating congee, talking about what they cooked for Christmas and Charles Manson. Sam made a caponata. James cooked a woodcock. Sam tells a man on the plane that they've been a couple for five years. James says Mark Rylance is a mega-baller. It's an epic, travelling from the San Francisco bay, all around the city, and finishing on the plane home, discussing Frank Sinatra and chef heroes. Tune in for more juice. 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP57-THE_SAN_FRANCISCO_TRIP.mp3
Category:Food -- posted at: 3:57am EST

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