The Kitchen Is On Fire

It's the final episode before our over-haired pair take an utterly undeserved summer break and instead of doubling down on intelligence and wit, they do their usual and fling ever more nonsense on the pile they've been building for one hundred and fifty episodes so far....

A semi-libelous start involving the pair behind Hot-Dinners.com sampling cocaine by a swimming pool rapidly devolves further into wood on a boat, the necks of geese, and chipolata cookery on a beach.

James is/was secretly in love with Gail from 'Corrie', keeps going North and lived in a halfway house. Sam really was a terrible singer, was punished for a good deed on a train and has a really very interesting fact about Roald Dahl to share.

Later there is a very grim and NSFW tale about cottage cheese, some incredibly stupid/spooky chat about ghosts in Yorkshire and something else about the cheese known both here and indeed elsewhere as brie.

Cheese chat, ghost chat, geese chat, this chat caliber equals high. You must be high to listen to this. See you in Autumn people. See you in Autumn........

This episode is sponsored by your friendly neighborhood weapons manufacturer Lockheed Martin.......not really.

This episode is actually sponsored by fun seed and chemical suppliers Monsanto! Wow! Cancer and poisons and whatnot....actually joking again....

Booze professionals dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon are in fact packing the ad budget this week. Great news.

Goodbye.

 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP151-GHOSTS_AND_GOOSES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:51pm EDT

"Knock Knock!"
"Who is there?"
"Tree Beard from ‘Lord Of The Rings’!"
"You just knocked on a slab of your own flesh!"
"What?"
The door you knocked on is made of wood, like you!
"I didn’t think about that."
"Wake up Treebeard and smell the wood you big……tree!"

If TickyOff was a tree, it would be a big knobbly number, a tree of many rings, a fair amount of root rot, maybe a creepy owl in a hole and no doubt packing some serious fungus about the midriff.
The above is a tree related way to say that TKIOF is one hundred and fifty years old!! If by years you mean episodes.
James and Sam look back, look forward and look around dumbfounded as they consider the usual array of vast topics.
This week James feels guilty, wonders if he’s fake or real and also ponders whether or not he’s a warmonger. Sam is concerned his memory is failing him at every turn, goes camping in a gale and meets his great uncle’s best mate in a cemetery.
There’s also time for Dead Man’s Charcoal, a Love Island press release, and some cacio e pepe chat.
As things head towards the end, Sam reveals that this is in fact his final ever appearance on TKIOF, James weeps tears of salad cream as he ‘completes’ and as the dust settles, they wonder on one of life’s greatest imponderables: Is massage actually any good?

Direct download: TKIOF-EP150-SALAD_CREAM_TEARS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:03am EDT

This is a podcast. It is sounds in your ears. This is what this is. Nothing more, plenty less....

Check these newsworthy events out! James has been swimming this week, whilst looking like Pablo Escobar. Sam has been concerned that events in his life may be linked by more than mere coincidence. Together they've been to Brigadiers for dinner, James told a mayo based lie and Sam experienced a last minute baked alaska situation.

Then actor James Norton bowls in and topics get serious.

James N discusses Harvey Weinstein, Craig David, sex scenes and battery powered thermals. James R counters with some rock solid topics of his own such as the time he got mugged twice in Russia, on the same night. Sam H joins in the chat-attack with the TKIOF boyz failed audition for 'Call Me By Your Name' , summer penises and depression cheeseburgers.

There's also somehow time to note that Peter Sarsgaard is an absolute legend, George Harrison's house is properly mental and James Norton's family home came complete with a creepy as all hell, full size, waxwork of a seventy year old woman.....

This is TickyOff, you are human people with human ears, we are human people with human mouths making sounds.

This week's episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP149-MY_IDYLLIC_MANHUNT.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:34am EDT

I’ll level with you, this episode is very much a game of two halves, a yin and a yang, an MJ and McCartney groove….and that weirdly quasi racist slow jam is not a bad reference because this week Sam and James are joined by food writer Lizzie Mabbott to discuss racism in the world of food, with particular reference to the grim events of the last few weeks in a particular London restaurant. Go look on Twitter for #somsaashitshow if you want to get the grim backstory to the entire grim mess. Grim. Gr meet im.
However, TickyOff can not and will not be cowed and bowed by racists and hatred, there’s important work to be done here! We have local soup chat to get though. We have vagina naming chats, pasta shape yaps and Thom Yorke’s kids discussions.
James reveals Dr Oetker’s son’s name, Sam gathers wood and gets furious with Sir Jony/Joni/Johnny Ive. Lizzie talks stiff membranes and having a scotch egg for an eye.
Yeah, there’s still classic TKIOF vibes aplenty, but sometimes it’s worth getting into a serious topic like this. It sucks it’s in our industry, it sucks we have to spend an episode talking about it but it is and we do, so we did.
So, balls to dumb racists, cheers to awesome Lizzie Mabbott and hopefully next week we can devote 100% of the episode to real big topics, like soup, and dead people’s chairs and mayonnaise.

This week is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk
I love them, you probably would too if you met them.

Direct download: TKIOF148-BRENDAS_END_1.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:08am EDT

This week upon Thee Most Holy TickyOff, James and Samuel are straight up joined by the mighty Ed Harcourt up in the office. Ed babbles up a storm on New Orleans, falling into a pit of spiders, his move to the countryside and Graham Coxon's nickname for him. Ed is  also producing sounds from his mouth about chopping wood, his drug related kryptonite and how to stay creative when you have kids.

How's this for a spoiler?....Prior to Mr Harcourt's arrival James and Sam correctly predict the England result and incorrectly predict the Federer result. Wow meet zer.

These two buffoons then get into sausage rolls, the 'Unexplained' podcast, cooking fish in fields and Richard Dawkins' ghost.

Once Ed shows, there's also time for Danny Dyer's perfect comedy timing, an udder on the back of a head, lentils, and gumbo.

Also, one more spoiler for your spoilt selves, this one via a funtime quiz....Ed's great aunt was:

1. A beluga whale

2. Elizabeth David

3. Frida Kahlo

4. Really annoying

5. A half human half turkey hybrid

6. A figment of Ed's imagination

The answer is......TWO!!!! IS THIS TRUE?!?!? Yeah. He talks about it on this podcast. OH MY F&CKING GOD!! REALLY?!?!? Yeah. Chill out yeah? Calm down and listen to the mouthsounds in yer ear tunnels.

This episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk

How'd you like them apples grapes?

Direct download: TKIOF-EP147-THE_RURAL_CLOWN.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:48am EDT

Wake up and smell the word noises dribbling from human mouth parts!

James opens up like a clam of chat to discuss his beard line, his rogue mother-in-law and his discovery of a single grey hair somewhere strange.

Sam gushes human language sounds like a methane vent on a buried landfill site concerning such wondertopics as suicide hotspots, dawn walks and Paul Rudd.

Then Oisin Rogers, esteemed man about town and landlord of one of London's finest boozers shows up and things take a turn for the educational. How to hire the right people, the wonders of a proper lunch, Otto's restaurant in Kings Cross and Dublin bus routes.

There is also talk of a horse whisperer, a couple of listener emails, ghosts doing graffiti and we learn exactly what Osh's "Diddle" is.....

This podcast right here in yer ears is sponsored by the wonderful wine pedlars: dropwine.co.uk

Direct download: TKIOF-EP146-THE_MYSTERY_OF_CUSTOMER_WOO.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:02am EDT

Okay, think about big things.....what are you picturing? Mountains? Elephants? KFC Megabuckets? Sam's face? Do you know what is bigger than all of those things? Far bigger. This damn episode. This episode is a vast and impressive thing. Heft? It's got it. Expanse? Of course. Girth?....there can be no doubt about it.

Like* a dumb podcast version of an Icelandic saga we begin with a refurb at Pidgin and Sam looking at James in an odd fashion. You also hear about a delightful seafood-based and Thai-influenced barbeque that James cooked. Wowzer.

*unlike it in any way whatsoever.

Then things take a turn in a classic TKIOF direction when they start blathering on about seeing adult film stars at Au Pied De Cochon Sugar Shack, reel off some solid soup chat and also provide the world with quite possibly the greatest gravy technique of all time.

After all that 'excitement', thank God for a gift from the heavens, Dolly Alderton turns up and immediately makes a big impact on our gruesome twosome by dishing on recording her audiobook, her experiences with the readership of the Sunday Times and reveals that Dolly is in fact NOT HER REAL NAME!! Gadzooks!!

This triangular chat arrangement then goes on to discuss why Dolly wrote her book, funeral songs, 'Made In Chelsea' and bad reviews.

James reveals his deep love for SnakeBoards, Sam eats a melancholy prawn sandwich and they reveal the origins of the world's greatest ever insult: HORSE!

Oh and also, Dolly admits she did something truly awful a few days ago....cliff meet hanger.....

All in all, we had a lovely time,  and we hope you do too when you spray it in your ears. Liquid chat to bathe yer brain in, like a footspa for your synapses....in a way.

This week's episode is sponsored by your booze-delivering friends and ours: dropwine.co.uk.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP145-EVERYTHING_I_KNOW_ABOUT_HORSES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:25pm EDT

I told you normal dum dum service would be resumed this week....

James is back from Italy and feeling heavy. Sam urinates all over the floor following a run in with a stern nurse. Whilst in Italy James cooked a fish from the River Nile and placed his trust in a wise butcher. Sam watched 'Notting Hill' and decided it was a film about people needing to....go.

After this nonsense-babble our heroic podchimps get serious, and seriously sad to pay their respects to one of their own heroes Anthony Bourdain, following his recent passing.

Praise be to Lizzy Barber who shows up to talk about her role at Hache, Cabana and Hush restaurants as Creative Director. Lizzy provides information aurally on such topics as people being unfair to chains, her hatred of fried dough and an awful meal in Atelier Crenn.

There's also words and sounds from human mouths concerning the World's Fifty Best Restaurant awards, the sneakiness of salt cod, an email from a listener and what colour clothes you should wear in hot weather.

This week's episode is sponsored by wine peddler's to the stars and to you if you are a wise wine drinking app user....

dropwine.co.uk

Direct download: TKIOF-EP144-MONKEY_HANDS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:51am EDT

Right, listen up. There isn't any of the usual nonsense from Ramsden and Herlihy this week. There's no cav nero, no bad parenting and no twee "Ooooohhh Jamesey, what did you cwook this weekend?". Sam isn't going to be telling no tales about some windy walking dumbassery he's been up to and James isn't going to be babbling on about yet another bloody wedding he's been dancing at. Wake up people! There is NONE OF THAT CAPER ROUND HERE THIS WEEK! NONE!

Instead, this week Sam and James sit back, hungover, and are roundly steamrollered by Matt Chatfield who has a lot to say on some flat-out BIG topics.

Brexit? Of course. The future of Cornish farming? A gallon. Vegans? A  lake full. The left wing bias of London food media? Ladies and sirs I give you a deep and spooky well of that chat.

Matt comes out swinging at many a target while James dutifully takes notes for him and Sam only manages to babble out something about a bear kissing a dog and to point out the fascinating set up of a woodpecker's tongue.

Normal wacky-ass service will be resumed next week but for now allow your ears an aural feeding of provocative but damn interesting thoughts and theories from a man who believes he can see the future of this crappy country of ours....

This weeks serious episode is sponsored by the serious-about-wine dudes at dropwine.co.uk

Direct download: TKIOF-EP143-BIG_TOPICS_1.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:20am EDT

"I've got the key, I've got the secret" someone sang on a terrible song a while ago. If the key and the secret is actually episode one hundred and forty two of TickyOff then YOU now have said key and said secret and you have these aforementioned items without that garbage song puking in yer ears....anyway...

Food journalist and baby faced drinker James Hansen is here and the topics are deep. We're talking canned tuna, a deep dive into the world of coffee, cakes made of gravy and working in a theatre.

Before Hansen shows, James and Sam babble on about their office night out, their gardening exploits outside Magpie and the wonders of the mighty restaurant Ciao Bella.

Sam sees a Native American on the tube platform and Ottolenghi on a bike and Margot phones in to try and get our wonderful hosts to go boozing with her.

There's all that nonsense plus a bumper Quickfire and a hefty dose of Over/Underrated.

We really hope you like this podcast. We have love for you. In a way.

 

This weeks episode is sponsored by the mad booze loonies at  dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP142-FLASHER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:42am EDT