The Kitchen Is On Fire

'Verily' they did doth say.....
except I don’t know what 'verily' means and I don’t know who they are. The only 'they' I know is James and Sam off of the Tickyoff.
They don’t say 'verily', they say all these things instead, from those holes up front on their lovely faces.
This week TickyOff HQ smells strongly of kimchi so they leave the window open and then sing ‘Man In The Mirror’ by Mickey Jackson. Fortunately, keen-bean Tess Ward turns up and they get into wellness, influencers, Mental Health Day and Fairtrade. It’s not all big big topics though. James is confused by placentas and gives a perhaps overly detailed description of a video featuring Cristiano Ronaldo. Tess hates mayo, loves bio-gas and knows a lot about biohacking. Sam has been made homeless, wrote two unpublished books and doesn’t like Chris Martin from the band some call IcyFun but others know only as Coldplay.
Who knows how much wonder one pod can hold but somehow there’s also time for Tess’s bar raising stoner food classics, a rye bread heist and the day that Pidgin nearly killed Jon Snow from a show some people call ‘Fun With Posh Chairs’ and others know only as ‘Game Of Thrones’.
Oh excuse me is that the doorbell?
Yes it is. It’s someone coming to tell me how awesome TKIOF is. I know how good it is. Do not bother my doorbell again please. Thank you.

This week's episode is sponsored by vino legends dropwine.co.uk and vodka mentalists ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Also go check out the awesome work being done by the wonderful folk at www.fairtrade.org.uk

Direct download: TKIOF-EP157-PINKING_FOR_QUINCES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:25am EDT

It's a big week for James in this episode as he visits Coombeshead Farm, is assaulted by a cat and gets dosed with some high strength snus by this week's guest. In Sam news, he has become addicted to doughnuts and become stocky. James believes these two events may be linked....

Eater London editor Adam Coghlan then makes his second appearance upon the TickyOff and they get into Michelin in a big way. Brat, Ikoyi, Phil Howard, diversity, an algorithm to create the perfect inspector. It's a lot, a lot of tire themed restaurant chat.

After that there's just enough time for Chubby Checker chat, yet more borlotti bean chat and Adam to take a big swing at Sir Anthony Hopkins.

Hashtag, chat.

This week is sponsored by wine legends dropwine.co.uk and vodka legends ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP156-DEAD_RUBBER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:19am EDT

Chef Victor Garvey is back upon the TickyOff this week. He has carried some delicious jamon through the streets of Soho and he’s also carried some noises in his mouth that he releases like Candyman from the movie ‘Candyman’ releases wasps or bees or whatever they were from his mouth. These noises coalesce into topics that you can listen to with those holes in the side of your skulls. Those holes are called ear holes and you should let these sounds enter those holes but do not let wasps or bees enter. That would hurt.
Victor is babbling on about his new venture in Soho, his love for Ironman, and the moves young chefs should, but rarely, make.
There’s also chat about glamorous beans, James looks like Don Trump Junior, Victor looks like someone awful and Sam gets Victor’s name entirely wrong.
Victor spreads some serious paella based knowledge about, James yammers out something about how you collect diamonds or rubies or something and they all get seriously into the biggest of topics, in the midst of the pretty damn big topics I’ve already mentioned: DEATH!!
Death and TKIOF. What the hell else did you expect? Food chat? Jokers.

 

This week The Tickyoff is sponsored by lords of the dance and also, far more importantly, lord of wine!: dropwine.co.uk

And those friendly neighbourhood vodka based still-jockeys at ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP155-VINCENT.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:55pm EDT

Listen up people. This episode is not messing around. I mean, James and Sam do mess around briefly at the start to be fair. They babble on about over reacting to bad reviews, and how 'Bob' is regularly the name of gameshow hosts. Sam writes a nice tweet and James plays a great new TKIOF game 'Dead Or Alive'.

So there is that small portion of messing around.

Then Asma Khan arrives and the time for silly business is over.

The origin story herein is a darn epic. Taking in royalty, a fortress, cricket in the streets, the often sad reality for second born daughters and Asma's journey to today as the chef owner of the awesome Darjeeling Express in Soho and now the first chef from Britain featured on Netflix's 'Chef's Table'.

It's maybe a first for TickyOff....an episode that's pretty poignant, fascinating and possibly even quite moving...

Though maybe it's not a first and the 'Joey Trib' game regularly gets you all weepy....I dunno.

James and Sam pipe down and listen the hell up. I suggest you do the same.

This week's episode is sponsored by your booze buddies and mine:

 

dropwine.co.uk

 

and

 

ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP154-SHEDS_OF_THE_DEAD.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:43am EDT

You can cast many things. A fishing line. A spell. A perfect replica of your own genitals in molten lead. You can also cast pods. And that ladies and gentlemen is exactly, exactly, what these two chuckleheads James and Sam have gone and done this week. For the one hundred and fifty third time. If that isn't a casting achievement, I have no goddamn idea what is. Wake up!

This week our grim pair wake up next to one another and decide to emit sounds from their mouths during morning time. These audible emissions concern fun topics such as  Jordan Peterson's weird diet, Sam's anniversary party and James's visit to spendy quasi-restaurant Maus.

Sam apologizes for getting a 'Silence of The Lambs' reference wrong last week, James apologizes for being leathered on last week's pod and they both get into a truly wonderful chat concerning how best to dismantle, store and rebuild large structures made of metal. It really is something.

After far too much of this ballyhoo, writer, OG Masterchef winner and founder/owner of Wahaca restaurants, Thomasina Miers arrives in the office and actual sensible, wise and interesting vowels, words and concepts spurt forth.  Tex-Mex food, mezcal, biochemistry and Ballymaloe cookery school are covered. Sam goes to a Taco Bell in Compton LA during the height of early 1990's gang violence. James drinks tequila with Tom Parker Bowles and Thomasina tells her origin story from winning Masterchef to opening Wahaca.

Finally, TickyOff throws a crime shaped bone out there for fans of true crime, deep-dive podcasts like 'Dirty John' and 'Serial' and whatnot.....it turns out that there's every chance that Thomasina has utterly destroyed Soho Farmhouse's entire crop of courgettes for next year.....

WOW!

This week's sponsors are...guess who????

Yeah, it's the vineyard botherers at dropwine.co.uk and the grog hawkers at ourvodka.com/ourlondon.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP153-THE_COURGETTE_KILLER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:45am EDT

Back after their summer break, the dumbo-deux get straight into word sounds from their mouths. These word sounds concern such topics as the evolution of tabloid sex language, The California Raisins and The Who. Sam may be romping with a donkey, James really loves creamy honey and friend of the pod, Moves from Drop, goes on a 'Notting Hill' style walk through Soho.

Then Clerkenwell Boy shows up, cracks open a beer and matters improve as this triple mouthed discussion gang get into the ups and downs of influencing, charity work and why gorgonzola is possibly the best cheese there is. Oh and CB invites Beyonce and Roger Federer round for sushi and negronis....

There's also a real deep dive into the band Foreigner, Korean BBQ, and hugely exciting news about the acoustic set that James is playing at The Hawley Arms next Thursday!

And on a more serious note, to contribute to Cook For Syria as discussed in the episode please go to:

www.cookforsyria.com

This week's episode is sponsored by the fine people at:

dropwine.co.uk

ourvodka.com/ourlondon

 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP152-BATMAN_OR_MANBAT_.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:35am EDT

It's the final episode before our over-haired pair take an utterly undeserved summer break and instead of doubling down on intelligence and wit, they do their usual and fling ever more nonsense on the pile they've been building for one hundred and fifty episodes so far....

A semi-libelous start involving the pair behind Hot-Dinners.com sampling cocaine by a swimming pool rapidly devolves further into wood on a boat, the necks of geese, and chipolata cookery on a beach.

James is/was secretly in love with Gail from 'Corrie', keeps going North and lived in a halfway house. Sam really was a terrible singer, was punished for a good deed on a train and has a really very interesting fact about Roald Dahl to share.

Later there is a very grim and NSFW tale about cottage cheese, some incredibly stupid/spooky chat about ghosts in Yorkshire and something else about the cheese known both here and indeed elsewhere as brie.

Cheese chat, ghost chat, geese chat, this chat caliber equals high. You must be high to listen to this. See you in Autumn people. See you in Autumn........

This episode is sponsored by your friendly neighborhood weapons manufacturer Lockheed Martin.......not really.

This episode is actually sponsored by fun seed and chemical suppliers Monsanto! Wow! Cancer and poisons and whatnot....actually joking again....

Booze professionals dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon are in fact packing the ad budget this week. Great news.

Goodbye.

 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP151-GHOSTS_AND_GOOSES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:51pm EDT

"Knock Knock!"
"Who is there?"
"Tree Beard from ‘Lord Of The Rings’!"
"You just knocked on a slab of your own flesh!"
"What?"
The door you knocked on is made of wood, like you!
"I didn’t think about that."
"Wake up Treebeard and smell the wood you big……tree!"

If TickyOff was a tree, it would be a big knobbly number, a tree of many rings, a fair amount of root rot, maybe a creepy owl in a hole and no doubt packing some serious fungus about the midriff.
The above is a tree related way to say that TKIOF is one hundred and fifty years old!! If by years you mean episodes.
James and Sam look back, look forward and look around dumbfounded as they consider the usual array of vast topics.
This week James feels guilty, wonders if he’s fake or real and also ponders whether or not he’s a warmonger. Sam is concerned his memory is failing him at every turn, goes camping in a gale and meets his great uncle’s best mate in a cemetery.
There’s also time for Dead Man’s Charcoal, a Love Island press release, and some cacio e pepe chat.
As things head towards the end, Sam reveals that this is in fact his final ever appearance on TKIOF, James weeps tears of salad cream as he ‘completes’ and as the dust settles, they wonder on one of life’s greatest imponderables: Is massage actually any good?

Direct download: TKIOF-EP150-SALAD_CREAM_TEARS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:03am EDT

This is a podcast. It is sounds in your ears. This is what this is. Nothing more, plenty less....

Check these newsworthy events out! James has been swimming this week, whilst looking like Pablo Escobar. Sam has been concerned that events in his life may be linked by more than mere coincidence. Together they've been to Brigadiers for dinner, James told a mayo based lie and Sam experienced a last minute baked alaska situation.

Then actor James Norton bowls in and topics get serious.

James N discusses Harvey Weinstein, Craig David, sex scenes and battery powered thermals. James R counters with some rock solid topics of his own such as the time he got mugged twice in Russia, on the same night. Sam H joins in the chat-attack with the TKIOF boyz failed audition for 'Call Me By Your Name' , summer penises and depression cheeseburgers.

There's also somehow time to note that Peter Sarsgaard is an absolute legend, George Harrison's house is properly mental and James Norton's family home came complete with a creepy as all hell, full size, waxwork of a seventy year old woman.....

This is TickyOff, you are human people with human ears, we are human people with human mouths making sounds.

This week's episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP149-MY_IDYLLIC_MANHUNT.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:34am EDT

I’ll level with you, this episode is very much a game of two halves, a yin and a yang, an MJ and McCartney groove….and that weirdly quasi racist slow jam is not a bad reference because this week Sam and James are joined by food writer Lizzie Mabbott to discuss racism in the world of food, with particular reference to the grim events of the last few weeks in a particular London restaurant. Go look on Twitter for #somsaashitshow if you want to get the grim backstory to the entire grim mess. Grim. Gr meet im.
However, TickyOff can not and will not be cowed and bowed by racists and hatred, there’s important work to be done here! We have local soup chat to get though. We have vagina naming chats, pasta shape yaps and Thom Yorke’s kids discussions.
James reveals Dr Oetker’s son’s name, Sam gathers wood and gets furious with Sir Jony/Joni/Johnny Ive. Lizzie talks stiff membranes and having a scotch egg for an eye.
Yeah, there’s still classic TKIOF vibes aplenty, but sometimes it’s worth getting into a serious topic like this. It sucks it’s in our industry, it sucks we have to spend an episode talking about it but it is and we do, so we did.
So, balls to dumb racists, cheers to awesome Lizzie Mabbott and hopefully next week we can devote 100% of the episode to real big topics, like soup, and dead people’s chairs and mayonnaise.

This week is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk
I love them, you probably would too if you met them.

Direct download: TKIOF148-BRENDAS_END_1.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:08am EDT

This week upon Thee Most Holy TickyOff, James and Samuel are straight up joined by the mighty Ed Harcourt up in the office. Ed babbles up a storm on New Orleans, falling into a pit of spiders, his move to the countryside and Graham Coxon's nickname for him. Ed is  also producing sounds from his mouth about chopping wood, his drug related kryptonite and how to stay creative when you have kids.

How's this for a spoiler?....Prior to Mr Harcourt's arrival James and Sam correctly predict the England result and incorrectly predict the Federer result. Wow meet zer.

These two buffoons then get into sausage rolls, the 'Unexplained' podcast, cooking fish in fields and Richard Dawkins' ghost.

Once Ed shows, there's also time for Danny Dyer's perfect comedy timing, an udder on the back of a head, lentils, and gumbo.

Also, one more spoiler for your spoilt selves, this one via a funtime quiz....Ed's great aunt was:

1. A beluga whale

2. Elizabeth David

3. Frida Kahlo

4. Really annoying

5. A half human half turkey hybrid

6. A figment of Ed's imagination

The answer is......TWO!!!! IS THIS TRUE?!?!? Yeah. He talks about it on this podcast. OH MY F&CKING GOD!! REALLY?!?!? Yeah. Chill out yeah? Calm down and listen to the mouthsounds in yer ear tunnels.

This episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk

How'd you like them apples grapes?

Direct download: TKIOF-EP147-THE_RURAL_CLOWN.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:48am EDT

Wake up and smell the word noises dribbling from human mouth parts!

James opens up like a clam of chat to discuss his beard line, his rogue mother-in-law and his discovery of a single grey hair somewhere strange.

Sam gushes human language sounds like a methane vent on a buried landfill site concerning such wondertopics as suicide hotspots, dawn walks and Paul Rudd.

Then Oisin Rogers, esteemed man about town and landlord of one of London's finest boozers shows up and things take a turn for the educational. How to hire the right people, the wonders of a proper lunch, Otto's restaurant in Kings Cross and Dublin bus routes.

There is also talk of a horse whisperer, a couple of listener emails, ghosts doing graffiti and we learn exactly what Osh's "Diddle" is.....

This podcast right here in yer ears is sponsored by the wonderful wine pedlars: dropwine.co.uk

Direct download: TKIOF-EP146-THE_MYSTERY_OF_CUSTOMER_WOO.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:02am EDT

Okay, think about big things.....what are you picturing? Mountains? Elephants? KFC Megabuckets? Sam's face? Do you know what is bigger than all of those things? Far bigger. This damn episode. This episode is a vast and impressive thing. Heft? It's got it. Expanse? Of course. Girth?....there can be no doubt about it.

Like* a dumb podcast version of an Icelandic saga we begin with a refurb at Pidgin and Sam looking at James in an odd fashion. You also hear about a delightful seafood-based and Thai-influenced barbeque that James cooked. Wowzer.

*unlike it in any way whatsoever.

Then things take a turn in a classic TKIOF direction when they start blathering on about seeing adult film stars at Au Pied De Cochon Sugar Shack, reel off some solid soup chat and also provide the world with quite possibly the greatest gravy technique of all time.

After all that 'excitement', thank God for a gift from the heavens, Dolly Alderton turns up and immediately makes a big impact on our gruesome twosome by dishing on recording her audiobook, her experiences with the readership of the Sunday Times and reveals that Dolly is in fact NOT HER REAL NAME!! Gadzooks!!

This triangular chat arrangement then goes on to discuss why Dolly wrote her book, funeral songs, 'Made In Chelsea' and bad reviews.

James reveals his deep love for SnakeBoards, Sam eats a melancholy prawn sandwich and they reveal the origins of the world's greatest ever insult: HORSE!

Oh and also, Dolly admits she did something truly awful a few days ago....cliff meet hanger.....

All in all, we had a lovely time,  and we hope you do too when you spray it in your ears. Liquid chat to bathe yer brain in, like a footspa for your synapses....in a way.

This week's episode is sponsored by your booze-delivering friends and ours: dropwine.co.uk.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP145-EVERYTHING_I_KNOW_ABOUT_HORSES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:25pm EDT

I told you normal dum dum service would be resumed this week....

James is back from Italy and feeling heavy. Sam urinates all over the floor following a run in with a stern nurse. Whilst in Italy James cooked a fish from the River Nile and placed his trust in a wise butcher. Sam watched 'Notting Hill' and decided it was a film about people needing to....go.

After this nonsense-babble our heroic podchimps get serious, and seriously sad to pay their respects to one of their own heroes Anthony Bourdain, following his recent passing.

Praise be to Lizzy Barber who shows up to talk about her role at Hache, Cabana and Hush restaurants as Creative Director. Lizzy provides information aurally on such topics as people being unfair to chains, her hatred of fried dough and an awful meal in Atelier Crenn.

There's also words and sounds from human mouths concerning the World's Fifty Best Restaurant awards, the sneakiness of salt cod, an email from a listener and what colour clothes you should wear in hot weather.

This week's episode is sponsored by wine peddler's to the stars and to you if you are a wise wine drinking app user....

dropwine.co.uk

Direct download: TKIOF-EP144-MONKEY_HANDS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:51am EDT

Right, listen up. There isn't any of the usual nonsense from Ramsden and Herlihy this week. There's no cav nero, no bad parenting and no twee "Ooooohhh Jamesey, what did you cwook this weekend?". Sam isn't going to be telling no tales about some windy walking dumbassery he's been up to and James isn't going to be babbling on about yet another bloody wedding he's been dancing at. Wake up people! There is NONE OF THAT CAPER ROUND HERE THIS WEEK! NONE!

Instead, this week Sam and James sit back, hungover, and are roundly steamrollered by Matt Chatfield who has a lot to say on some flat-out BIG topics.

Brexit? Of course. The future of Cornish farming? A gallon. Vegans? A  lake full. The left wing bias of London food media? Ladies and sirs I give you a deep and spooky well of that chat.

Matt comes out swinging at many a target while James dutifully takes notes for him and Sam only manages to babble out something about a bear kissing a dog and to point out the fascinating set up of a woodpecker's tongue.

Normal wacky-ass service will be resumed next week but for now allow your ears an aural feeding of provocative but damn interesting thoughts and theories from a man who believes he can see the future of this crappy country of ours....

This weeks serious episode is sponsored by the serious-about-wine dudes at dropwine.co.uk

Direct download: TKIOF-EP143-BIG_TOPICS_1.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:20am EDT

"I've got the key, I've got the secret" someone sang on a terrible song a while ago. If the key and the secret is actually episode one hundred and forty two of TickyOff then YOU now have said key and said secret and you have these aforementioned items without that garbage song puking in yer ears....anyway...

Food journalist and baby faced drinker James Hansen is here and the topics are deep. We're talking canned tuna, a deep dive into the world of coffee, cakes made of gravy and working in a theatre.

Before Hansen shows, James and Sam babble on about their office night out, their gardening exploits outside Magpie and the wonders of the mighty restaurant Ciao Bella.

Sam sees a Native American on the tube platform and Ottolenghi on a bike and Margot phones in to try and get our wonderful hosts to go boozing with her.

There's all that nonsense plus a bumper Quickfire and a hefty dose of Over/Underrated.

We really hope you like this podcast. We have love for you. In a way.

 

This weeks episode is sponsored by the mad booze loonies at  dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP142-FLASHER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:42am EDT

Crumbs. It's actually here. That's right. Episode 141 is here. What a number! What a number of episodes to have achieved. It's also World Otter Day at TKIOF Towers. Scenes. Real big scenes....

Sam gets GapShamed and has a whistling nose. James is on odd, pretty drunk form having fallen asleep on the tube, watched 'Patrick Melrose' in the wrong order and done a super funny joke on Islay.

Praise be to Anna Sulan Masing who appears just in time to throw down on some flat out weighty topics such as The Tomorrow Project, #metoo coming to the UK restaurant scene and whether or not tokenism can be useful.

However, this is TickyOff and seriousness cannot reign forever. Soon Sam is dying on a hill made of penises, James keeps making really woeful jokes and Anna goes deep on Guns and Roses, New Zealand 'Bogans' and the benefits of taking magic mushrooms.

This episode, like all episodes that have come before it, raises a vast number of questions but you should know up front that only one question really matters.....what does your heart smell like?

Wow. That's a deep one. Listen along with this triangle of chatting humans and you'll understand....scenes...real scenes...

 

This week’s episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP141-ANNE_FRANK_ON_THE_FACE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:14am EDT

Look out! Episode 140 is about and by about I don't mean 'hanging around, just kind of blending in to the background and minding it's own business'. I mean ABOUT!  This episode is staggering around like a drunk fool on a packed tube train. Up in your face! Stinking of booze! And crisps! And whatnot!

This week James is ratty and has run a half marathon while Sam may be wearing racist trainers and hasn't seen 'The Lion King".

There are question marks over how much human remains and/or dog urine we lie in when we lie in parks, the differences between skirt/flank/bavette steak and whether or not James showered with food writer George Reynolds.

Thank whatever god (or goddess!) you worship that chef-owner of Nanban in Brixton, cookbook author and Masterchef winner Tim Anderson arrives to up the knowledge, wit and entertainment level.

The mouth-count is up by a third and these three mouths begin with some solid Matrix, Marvel and Star Wars chat before moving into the myths of MSG, recruiting restaurant staff and the wonders of Tim's home state, Wisconsin.

Also legendary TickyOff game 'Who Eats What' is back! No lie! 'Who Eats What?' is back! B to the A to the C to the goddamn K. Back baby! Imagine that. You don't have to imagine that 'Who Eats What?' is back, because it's actually back, and here, on this weeks podcast.

Please refrain from blowing your brains out all over the dashboard of your car at this news. We appreciate life can only go downhill from here but you may as well keep going. You never know, 'Who Eats What?' might be back another week. Who knows? I do not.

 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP140-THE_BUTCHER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:17am EDT

First up, why in all hell did Nosferatu have long fingers?

Secondly, what actually is missionary work?

Huge questions posed this week by medium sized men, both in brain size and in bodily...bulk.

Amidst the usual TKIOF ballyhoo there is genuine drama this week as Sam's wife takes a break from buying garbage on Gumtree to save a choking child, James has zero service at a beloved London restaurant and this week's guest reveals exactly what happens when you defrost a mouse in a microwave.

Said guest is the delightful self confessed 'breeder' and wine expert Joe Fattorini who basically drives up in a tanker truck full of knowledge and unscrews the rear valve, sending a spume of wine based facts arcing into the sky and directly into James and Sam's faces, ears and if we're being totally honest, their mouths. It's an aural sight to be seen/heard...I've confused myself.

Furthermore, Jame's wife hangs out on a beach with Benny Cumberbatch, Sam is amazed by James and Joe's pope knowledge and Joe puts a dent in a 10 million dollar roof with a drone.

It's a TKIOF, and you know EXACTLY, what that means.

Pull 'em up and put it on.

Wazzzzzzup etc.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP139-THE_PRATFALL_EFFECT.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:51am EDT

James and Sam are this week joined, via human contact within the same room on a little place I like to call Planet Earth, by another homo sapiens type creature. This one goes by many names but for the purposes of this podcast we shall know him by his actual name, Chris Stark!

Chris dishes many tonnes of dirt on life at Radio One, studying politics, his infamous Mila Kunis interview and his new found love for cooking.

Before that, James continues to lower the bar when it comes to parenting ability, gets aggy with his wife and watches a really fun movie film.

Meanwhile Sam just can't stop walking down a foul alley, his wife just can't stop buying trash on Gumtree and his son just can't stop doing something obscene while listening to 'Rattlesnake' by King Gizzard And The Lizard Wizard.

Wow meet zer! It really is a podcast of a rare vintage. Hear it, in your mind. Via, as ever, your ears. Or someone else's. Your call.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP138-MUTTON_PELLETS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:14am EDT

It's duo week on TKIOF in that there are only two people mouthspeaking. Those two people are James and Sam. You know them. You like them very much.

You'll also like hearing them breathing in air and spewing out wise thoughts and unwise idiocy. Examples this week include Sam telling a Spanish lady his name is Elias, James cooking a turbot on Jersey and the pair of them being very unsure as to how radar works.

Sam has taken a liking to Sundays, James plays hardball with a gym membership renewal. There's yet more Brat-Chat and they both take Jay Rayner to task for leaving flaming dogdirt on someone's front door step....

Also, canalside vikings, a parmesan storm, James's son swearing and Sam thinks, once more, he's about to die.

This week's episode is sponsored by the friendly booze hounds at dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP137-NUGGET_OF_NECESSITY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:54am EDT

Wames Wamsden and Wam Werlihy begin this weeks waffle with many words (once again) upon one of their favourite topics, the films and general vibe of Christopher Nolan.

Keeping it filmic they go on to talk nonsense about Bladerunner and talk respectfully about the passing of director Milos Forman.

They discuss their recent evening cooking at Magpie, James tries to convince Sam that the Earth is flat and Sam tries to convince James that coffins can move of their own spooky accord, in a crypt, in Barbados.

Thankfully esteemed food writer and author Olia Hercules shows up and things take a turn for the wiser and far more informative. Olia schools the TKIOF Posse on growing up in the Soviet Union, blue fenugreek and basically upturns a stockpot full of hot and steaming cookery knowledge over their heads.

Olia and James share an allergy, Sam is still conflicted about eating octopus and James leaves his son with strangers in a canal-side cafe.

All this plus, Ukrainian summer kitchens, Kiev restaurant recommendations and a deep dive on some weapons grade borscht technique.

It's borderline classic TickyOff. It's noises made by humans via their mouths on their faces and then into your ears on your heads. Or wherever else you keep you ears. That's up to you.

This week's episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP136-THE_GEORGIAN_TOASTMASTER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:13am EDT

This week James and Sam are joined by beloved cookbook author and all knowing cookery sage Diana Henry. This three-mouthed babble machine trades chat based blows about pizza ovens, River Cottage and The Sportsman. Diana spills the beans on her trip to White Rabbit restaurant in Moscow and Sam and James dish on how they come up with dishes at Pidgin. See? They dish on dishes. Wonderful.

Furthermore, James says broadcast again and they all discuss the language of food, Gabrielle Hamilton and Ruby Tandoh.

Before Diana shows up James visits Sardine to eat a veal shin, Sam explains why he wears a condom on aeroplanes and this most deadly of duos reveal the mysteries and wonder of a little something they like to call Broc-O-Clock.

It's not complicated, it's TKIOF goddamnit. Enjoy this sound within your ears.

Wake up.

This weeks episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP135-PEACH_SARDINE_WHITE_RABBIT..mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:54am EDT

Rejoice all those who hate Sam and his awful nasal voice. his microphone broke halfway through the recording. The good news is he’s a lot quieter than normal, the bad is that in order to get him even somewhat audible the sound quality is not perfect. Humble apologies, hopefully it won’t affect your enjoyment too much, a few sound issues are a small price to pay to hear this week’s guest….

It’s episode one hundred and thirty four and Deputy Editor of @qmagazine Niall Doherty is here. Before he shows up James and Sam trade sounds from their mouths on a wide variety of topics such as the wedding Sam just went to, Adam Coghlan’s cap, Chick Fil A and a German cannibal. Sam sees a Steve Bannon lookalike, James rode a horse and ate many many cashew nuts.

After that glittering yap performance Niall schools the TKIOF BozoPatrol on nosebleeds, airport boozing and his deep seated love for Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam. Namedropping like a cloud drops….rain…Niall eats stew with Sting, stew with Shaggy, chilli with Josh Homme and hangs out in a number of chain restaurants with Liam Gallagher.
There’s also time for a QuickFire, a somewhat serious discussion on people being mean and Niall reveals that when Sam was in a band, he was pretty much a twat.

The sound may not be perfect this week but do you know what is perfect? The classic TKIOF vibe is perfect. What more could anyone listening to TKIOF ask for?

This week’s episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP134-SHAGGY_AND_THE_STEW.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:59am EDT

Welcome all to episode one hundred and thirty three of what many people call their absolute favourite thing in their entire lives, TKIOF.
This one is the very opposite of short, in that it’s long. However, unlike massive snakes, this is long for a reason. The TickyOff Boyz are joined this week by Adam Coghlan, editor of Eater London, natty dresser and would be flaneur.
Before he shows, James and Sam discuss Harold Shipman, Sixpence None The Richer and Calabrian sausage lahmacun. James lets rip with a splendid custard technique while Sam matches said splendid technique with his splendid marinara sauce technique. Splendid.
Once Adam arrives, this be-mouthed threesome combine forces like a chat based version of the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers. This triple mouthed headed chatbeast get into bread, Rosio Sanchez, The Cornwall Project and the golden age of London restaurant chefs. They yap it up on new London restaurants Brat and Hide and Adam bemoans the lack of a truly perfect taco. Sam threatens to drive his 1997 Toyota Yaris into a swanky car lift, James does a weird ad for a cat killing podcast and Adam hits you all in the face with his London restaurant recommendations.
Wow people. It really is something. It really is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP133-SPORTY_CHAPS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:45am EDT

The tension is high, the tide is high, Sam and James may be high. Anyway Adam from Eater is once more running scared (until next week anyway) so Victor Garvey of Rambla restaurant fame steps in to yap it up with the TKIOF-Bozo-Corps upon such topics as Noma, El Bulli, fizzy sangria, paella and the price of snails.

Prior to Victor's arrival, James tells all about a delightful time he once had and also visits new Shoreditch restaurant, Leeroy, where he is defeated by a giant gland. Sam says some stuff too, most of it jelly themed for some unfathomable reason.

Do you know what this is? Yes, you do. It is classic, absolute classic Ticky-Off. Know this and tell others of this. Also like and subscribe or else Victor will give you a dead arm.

This week's episode is sponsored by the fine folk at dropwine.co.uk and the equally wondrous gang at ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP132-MESSING_WITH_THE_FABRIC.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:34am EDT

"Are you going to Scarborough Fair?" they sang. No we are not, we are going to a kitchen that just so happens to be on fire. Also, just FYI, we are not keen on twee folk music and thyme can be an overpowering herb.

This week The Boardroom has been left behind for a new spot in The Office. Sam has cooked some braciole while James's Dad cooked a foul soup. James himself drove North with no quarter given to the MiniBeast From The East, all to eat the aforementioned grim soupy treat.

Some policemen waved at Sam's son, James buys wasabi peas, Bill Hader has a nasal voice and James plays a QuickFire.

Things take a turn for the better when MiMi Aye, author of the book "NOODLE!", shows up to school the TKIOF-Boyz on Burmese food, 'Masterchef' and culturally dumb food brand stupidity.

There's the usual sparring of great intellects, the usual belly laughs and wonderful chortles, but this week, praise be to MiMi, there's also a huge amount of knowledge spraying all over your ears like a student Ear-Nose-And-Throat doctor has let loose with some sort of knowledge based ear ointment cannon.

This week's episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP131-STRUCK_BY_A_NUGGET_WITH_MIMI_AYE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:16am EDT

Things get meaty, things get beaty, things gets big and you are damn right that things get bouncy this week when Tim Hayward (The Financial Times, Fitzbillies, books, beards etc) shows up to start spewing chat all over The Boardroom like a busted fire hydrant of food based words and sentences.

There's dirty car chat. There is accountancy chat. James has a big night out and test drives a Volvo. Sam puts food focused magazines out of business and Tim gets pretty much obscenely over-erotic in the business-time based Boardroom.

All this...plus....to be honest they are all quite serious, quite food oriented and they put them lolz to one side to chew the industry based fat for once...Reservations! Business rates! What it takes! Creative processes!

 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP130-HELICOPTERING_WITH_TIM_HAYWARD.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:21am EDT

This week the TKIOF bozos make like the Andrex puppy, they go long...and strong.

Yes it's a hefty old pod but worry not! This week George Reynolds makes his second appearance and is soon babbling all brook-like about hefty Alpine cuisine, Sabor, and The Araki.

James is putting his fingers in a lamb's mouth, pining for Phillip Seymour Hoffman and getting deep into sexual awakenings.

Sam googled Barron Trump, got bitten by his Nan and is on the hunt for an Irish passport.

If that wasn't more than enough of a gutful of chat, they've left The Garret, the computer keeps crashing, there's a listener in Afghanistan and they discuss the horrific live TKIOF that was attempted many moons ago....

Finally, James wonders why the TKIOF Gang never got their due as pretty much the entire reason that super successful podcast behemoth 'My Dad Wrote A Porno' exists upon this planet some call Earth, others call Gaia and Sam calls Big Blue Ball....

Know this!

 

This episode is brought to you by the letter 'Z' and is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP129-MICHAEL_JACKSON.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:12am EDT

Back in The Garret, back in the saddle, back in the habit, back to the future, backs to the wall etc.

James and Sam hit up the big topics like an astonishing cross between Question Time and the first day of nursery school. Finger paints? We got 'em. A long discussion of childhood dentistry? No doubt. Someone's wet themselves? It's highly likely.

Anyway this week there's a whole lot of spooky topics wafting around, from scarecrows to people mysteriously going up in flames. James's Dad can communicate via a series of beeps while Sam's Dad has a curious cupboard who's contents are unknown to anyone but himself.

Sam visits a personal trainer and James holds a dead man's hand in a cinema. It's unclear why.

Classic GarretYapping of a 2018 vintage. Drink in the chat, like bad wine, that gets you drunk but gives you the mad hangover.

This episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP128-MYTHS_AND_LEGENDS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:55am EDT

My my my, it's a podcast. Imagine that! Except you don't need to imagine it because it's here. Right here! Right now! Like a bad song by The Farm. Or was in Inspiral Carpets? Who knows, or indeed cares.

Anyway, Jamsey and Samsey are yapping up a storm about gentrification, Nazis and Gary Lineker. The sad end of comedy duos? Covered. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? No doubt. Toothache? Oh yes indeedy do.

There's also egg chat, James's kids and some deep thoughts about how one would wish to be executed.

Lovely.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP127-DO_YOU_EVEN_LIKE_EGGS_.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:39pm EDT

Jamesssss and Samsssss are up in The Garret and Sam's bride Abbie makes her debut upon the Ticky-Off. She's lovely, Sam is less so and James is James. You know, eating vegan, talking about it lots, breaking his nose lots, loving systems lots.

'Groundhog Day' creepy but liked 'Phantom Thread'. Sam is once more haunted by Davy Jones' Locker and they are both sad that Johann Johannsson has died.

Sam takes a swing at Claude Bosi, Sat Bains and The Beastie Boys and James considers the wonder that is his own brother, Will.

Somehow Abbie manages to stay awake through two of the most boring stories ever told on this, or any other podcast. It's like 'Serial:Season 2' up in this joint. Except instead of a soldier going AWOL, there's a pair of ill fitting boots and instead of a man barely surviving torture and imprisonment, there's a man who can't convince his wife to use a laundry basket.

Try it for yerself, see if you can stay awake! It'll be fun. In a way.

 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP126-THESE_BOOTS_WERE_MADE_FOR_BORING.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:25am EDT

It's episode one hundred and twenty five which means only one thing: it's the episode after episode one hundred and twenty four!

Start with a cliffhanger like that and there's only one way to go, down. Down like a dated Chilean miner reference.

The dumb dumb club are back in The Garret working on scripts for their debut sitcom 'Castlemania', discussing chem-sex and 'The Fugitive'. Sam cooked some meatballs, James over cooked a hunk of meat. There's a strange mix up between Richard Pryor and Peter Kay and a foul chocolate ice cream pronunciation.

An actor is very showy in public with his copy of 'Infinite Jest' and is firmly taken to task. James learns about Don Quixote and Sam finally learns, many years too late, where the Olympics were held.

There's also exciting news about something that's upcoming next week....hint...it's episode one hundred and twenty six!!!

Two cliffhangers in one blurb? Yr welcome Chuckles!

Direct download: TKIOF-EP125-CASTLEMANIA.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:04am EDT

Two men things, Samuel and Jamesuel have flown The Garret and are instead holed up in the pretty swank surroundings of the private dining room at The Coach. They are joined this week by the mighty Matt Bright, who's partner/wife/person has birthed a human child in the recent past. Cowabunga! Human life!

Chef of The Coach Henry Harris drops by to school this triple-dummy team on his new menu, sausages made of guts and a fiendish pub quiz involving biscuit crumbs.

Elsewhere James goes to hospital, Sam gets bribed and Matt is banging on about containers again.

There's JoeyTrib, there's Hull chat and there's a dim memory of a woman sucking a toe or two.

It's live, it's TKIOF, it's stupid.

 

Direct download: TKIOF-EP124-TOESUCKER_LIVE_FROM_THE_COACH.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:48am EDT

Funky purple dead person Prince once sang, in his hit single 'Get Off', about enjoying 23 positions in a one night stand. In this hit podcast ,'TKIOF', James and Sam provide at least 23 chat based positions. Wow, sensual and educational.

This week James returns to The Garret after a holiday in Sri Lanka where he blew out some friendly folk, rolled around in a TukTuk, swam in a green pool and had a run in with a runner.

In James's absence Sam has finally learned what 'natch' means, attacked a cat with a lightsaber and has been eating far too many boiled eggs.

They discuss bands ripping off other bands, widows and pornography and there's an update on Dead Man's Shoes.

What a lovely listen it all is. James and Sam truly hope you enjoy every wonderful moment.

This episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP123-ITS_A_SHAME_ABOUT_JAMES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:31am EDT

Our favourite two silly billies are back in The Garret and back on the chatbike, pedalling hard up a verdant hillside of....topics.

This week they lay out their predictions for the year, involving celebrity deaths, cocaine scandals, and flapjack consumption.

James makes a weird sauce, Sam survives a powercut in Waitrose and they nearly come to blows over how healthy one's life should be. In other yap wonders, they try and think of ten famous Belgians, consider whether George Reynolds will lose his virginity this year and they learn about Sam's father-in-law's penchant for wearing the shoes of dead men....

A note on this week's episode:

The bleeps previously used to represent George Reynolds, now do not. New Year, new TKIOF, he has earned the right for us to utter his name again. The bleeps now represent the names of people we may or may not be slandering....

This week's episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Direct download: TKIOF-EP122-DEAD_MANS_SHOES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:18am EDT

Is this the end for one of these two idiots? Does the hairy monster one die? Tune in and find out.

James and Sam are still banging on about New Year. They are also pondering on maintaining some childlike wonder, Hassidic Jews at Chinese buffets and gummy potatoes. James has begun the new year smug, Sam has begun it by quitting nicotine. James's mother throws out a perfectly good DVD player, or does she???? Sam ate a mini pie in a supermarket with his brother, or did he????

She didn't, he did. Classic TKIOF good times right there.

I love you.

Goodbye.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP121-SAM20DIES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:11am EDT

Stuff is talked about. There is an audio glitch thirty five minutes in. They do not know what The Rock is cooking. James fears intruders. Sam spent the day at Magpie. They talk a lot about films. Wow. This was fun.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP120-20BANE20IN20A20PLANE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:22am EDT

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