The Kitchen Is On Fire

Things get meaty, things get beaty, things gets big and you are damn right that things get bouncy this week when Tim Hayward (The Financial Times, Fitzbillies, books, beards etc) shows up to start spewing chat all over The Boardroom like a busted fire hydrant of food based words and sentences.

There's dirty car chat. There is accountancy chat. James has a big night out and test drives a Volvo. Sam puts food focused magazines out of business and Tim gets pretty much obscenely over-erotic in the business-time based Boardroom.

All be honest they are all quite serious, quite food oriented and they put them lolz to one side to chew the industry based fat for once...Reservations! Business rates! What it takes! Creative processes!


Category:general -- posted at: 5:21am EDT

This week the TKIOF bozos make like the Andrex puppy, they go long...and strong.

Yes it's a hefty old pod but worry not! This week George Reynolds makes his second appearance and is soon babbling all brook-like about hefty Alpine cuisine, Sabor, and The Araki.

James is putting his fingers in a lamb's mouth, pining for Phillip Seymour Hoffman and getting deep into sexual awakenings.

Sam googled Barron Trump, got bitten by his Nan and is on the hunt for an Irish passport.

If that wasn't more than enough of a gutful of chat, they've left The Garret, the computer keeps crashing, there's a listener in Afghanistan and they discuss the horrific live TKIOF that was attempted many moons ago....

Finally, James wonders why the TKIOF Gang never got their due as pretty much the entire reason that super successful podcast behemoth 'My Dad Wrote A Porno' exists upon this planet some call Earth, others call Gaia and Sam calls Big Blue Ball....

Know this!


This episode is brought to you by the letter 'Z' and is sponsored by and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP129-MICHAEL_JACKSON.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:12am EDT

Back in The Garret, back in the saddle, back in the habit, back to the future, backs to the wall etc.

James and Sam hit up the big topics like an astonishing cross between Question Time and the first day of nursery school. Finger paints? We got 'em. A long discussion of childhood dentistry? No doubt. Someone's wet themselves? It's highly likely.

Anyway this week there's a whole lot of spooky topics wafting around, from scarecrows to people mysteriously going up in flames. James's Dad can communicate via a series of beeps while Sam's Dad has a curious cupboard who's contents are unknown to anyone but himself.

Sam visits a personal trainer and James holds a dead man's hand in a cinema. It's unclear why.

Classic GarretYapping of a 2018 vintage. Drink in the chat, like bad wine, that gets you drunk but gives you the mad hangover.

This episode is sponsored by and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP128-MYTHS_AND_LEGENDS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:55am EDT

My my my, it's a podcast. Imagine that! Except you don't need to imagine it because it's here. Right here! Right now! Like a bad song by The Farm. Or was in Inspiral Carpets? Who knows, or indeed cares.

Anyway, Jamsey and Samsey are yapping up a storm about gentrification, Nazis and Gary Lineker. The sad end of comedy duos? Covered. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? No doubt. Toothache? Oh yes indeedy do.

There's also egg chat, James's kids and some deep thoughts about how one would wish to be executed.


Direct download: TKIOF-EP127-DO_YOU_EVEN_LIKE_EGGS_.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:39pm EDT

Jamesssss and Samsssss are up in The Garret and Sam's bride Abbie makes her debut upon the Ticky-Off. She's lovely, Sam is less so and James is James. You know, eating vegan, talking about it lots, breaking his nose lots, loving systems lots.

'Groundhog Day' creepy but liked 'Phantom Thread'. Sam is once more haunted by Davy Jones' Locker and they are both sad that Johann Johannsson has died.

Sam takes a swing at Claude Bosi, Sat Bains and The Beastie Boys and James considers the wonder that is his own brother, Will.

Somehow Abbie manages to stay awake through two of the most boring stories ever told on this, or any other podcast. It's like 'Serial:Season 2' up in this joint. Except instead of a soldier going AWOL, there's a pair of ill fitting boots and instead of a man barely surviving torture and imprisonment, there's a man who can't convince his wife to use a laundry basket.

Try it for yerself, see if you can stay awake! It'll be fun. In a way.


Category:general -- posted at: 8:25am EDT

It's episode one hundred and twenty five which means only one thing: it's the episode after episode one hundred and twenty four!

Start with a cliffhanger like that and there's only one way to go, down. Down like a dated Chilean miner reference.

The dumb dumb club are back in The Garret working on scripts for their debut sitcom 'Castlemania', discussing chem-sex and 'The Fugitive'. Sam cooked some meatballs, James over cooked a hunk of meat. There's a strange mix up between Richard Pryor and Peter Kay and a foul chocolate ice cream pronunciation.

An actor is very showy in public with his copy of 'Infinite Jest' and is firmly taken to task. James learns about Don Quixote and Sam finally learns, many years too late, where the Olympics were held.

There's also exciting news about something that's upcoming next's episode one hundred and twenty six!!!

Two cliffhangers in one blurb? Yr welcome Chuckles!

Direct download: TKIOF-EP125-CASTLEMANIA.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:04am EDT

Two men things, Samuel and Jamesuel have flown The Garret and are instead holed up in the pretty swank surroundings of the private dining room at The Coach. They are joined this week by the mighty Matt Bright, who's partner/wife/person has birthed a human child in the recent past. Cowabunga! Human life!

Chef of The Coach Henry Harris drops by to school this triple-dummy team on his new menu, sausages made of guts and a fiendish pub quiz involving biscuit crumbs.

Elsewhere James goes to hospital, Sam gets bribed and Matt is banging on about containers again.

There's JoeyTrib, there's Hull chat and there's a dim memory of a woman sucking a toe or two.

It's live, it's TKIOF, it's stupid.


Category:general -- posted at: 3:48am EDT

Funky purple dead person Prince once sang, in his hit single 'Get Off', about enjoying 23 positions in a one night stand. In this hit podcast ,'TKIOF', James and Sam provide at least 23 chat based positions. Wow, sensual and educational.

This week James returns to The Garret after a holiday in Sri Lanka where he blew out some friendly folk, rolled around in a TukTuk, swam in a green pool and had a run in with a runner.

In James's absence Sam has finally learned what 'natch' means, attacked a cat with a lightsaber and has been eating far too many boiled eggs.

They discuss bands ripping off other bands, widows and pornography and there's an update on Dead Man's Shoes.

What a lovely listen it all is. James and Sam truly hope you enjoy every wonderful moment.

This episode is sponsored by and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP123-ITS_A_SHAME_ABOUT_JAMES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:31am EDT

Our favourite two silly billies are back in The Garret and back on the chatbike, pedalling hard up a verdant hillside of....topics.

This week they lay out their predictions for the year, involving celebrity deaths, cocaine scandals, and flapjack consumption.

James makes a weird sauce, Sam survives a powercut in Waitrose and they nearly come to blows over how healthy one's life should be. In other yap wonders, they try and think of ten famous Belgians, consider whether George Reynolds will lose his virginity this year and they learn about Sam's father-in-law's penchant for wearing the shoes of dead men....

A note on this week's episode:

The bleeps previously used to represent George Reynolds, now do not. New Year, new TKIOF, he has earned the right for us to utter his name again. The bleeps now represent the names of people we may or may not be slandering....

This week's episode is sponsored by and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP122-DEAD_MANS_SHOES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:18am EDT

Is this the end for one of these two idiots? Does the hairy monster one die? Tune in and find out.

James and Sam are still banging on about New Year. They are also pondering on maintaining some childlike wonder, Hassidic Jews at Chinese buffets and gummy potatoes. James has begun the new year smug, Sam has begun it by quitting nicotine. James's mother throws out a perfectly good DVD player, or does she???? Sam ate a mini pie in a supermarket with his brother, or did he????

She didn't, he did. Classic TKIOF good times right there.

I love you.


Direct download: TKIOF-EP121-SAM20DIES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:11am EDT