The Kitchen Is On Fire

Yeah yeah, it’s TickyOff again. It’s another week, another episode, yet another glittering aural extravaganza that has put James and Sam on the covers of Time Magazine, Pulitzer Weekly, The Hollywood Reporter, Nuts, Railway Modeller, Playgirl and The Chichester District Council in-house quarterly. Verbal performances at this level have also seen The TickyOff Two hosting world events such as The Oscars, The Grammys, Rear Of The Year and that restaurant magazine one sponsored by a Spanish beer company that they never get invited to…

This week begins very strangely as James calls Sam ‘mate’, which he has never ever done. It’s weird but they push on into organ donation, Egyptian death rituals and a horrific toad in the hole that James made.

Then author of ‘The Flavour Thesaurus’ and ‘Lateral Cooking’, Niki Segnit arrives and things take a turn towards parenting twins, recipe genealogy and the benefits of using cup measurements. They also discuss James's very odd 1950’s breakfast set-up, Niki’s vast and deep seated Radiohead obsession and the zen that can be found in utter boredom. Furthermore, a real gang of folk are discussed including David Foster Wallace, John Nash, John Lanchester and Nicole Kidman.

All this plus, vampires vs werewolves, ‘Shallow Grave’ and why Baileys is proper underrated.

This week’s episode is sponsored by wine genius type folk

Direct download: TKIOF-EP218-OK_CLAFOUTIS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:50am EST

It’s a low energy start for Thee TickyOff Boyz this week. James deep dives into a steaming bowl full of pommes aligot while Sam has again been watching far too many films. They discuss cold rice, drinking paraffin and drinking tequila. Sam also finds time to take a few more swings at a friend of the podcast for a shoddy salad recipe.

Then Tim Siadatan of Trullo and Padella fame shows up and things get deep on the excitement of pre-opening a restaurant, new kit giddiness, following up a hit and the benefits to biding your time with expansion. Tim also reveals his stoned-golf playing days, the all round good vibes of Jamie Oliver and his heady days as a microwave chef in a Reading shopping centre.

These three mouths go on to mouth off on whether or not The River Cafe is a rip-off, why horses can only kick with their back legs, Annie Lennox, Freddie Krueger and Lee Tiernan. PLUS there is yet more goddamn cacio e pepe discussion….

This week’s episode is sponsored by minimal ingredient purity maestros

Direct download: TKIOF-EP217-CACIO_CONUNDRUM.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:51am EST

TickyOff is back! Back with a new episode after last week’s episode of TickyOff. That is correct. Your ears do not deceive you. TickyOff has returned seven days after it was last within your ears. It is truly un be god damn lievable….

This week we begin with a strange few minutes of yap involving Dr Dolittle, Grayson Perry, Daniel Day Lewis and Roald Dahl. Baffling, inane, nonsensical perhaps, but classic TickyOff all the same.
Then hospitality PR titans Gemma Bell and Alice Grier of Gemma Bell And Company arrive and both the verbal wheels and the chat gloves come off.

Gemma and Alice patiently explain the whats, whys and whens of the world of PR from how to be a good client to a deep dive into how the London restaurant world has changed over the last ten years. Sam compares restaurants to old dogs needing haircuts, James explains all about his beloved out-of-office email manoeuvres and all four corners of this incredible…. babble cube eat cakes from Ottolenghi.

All this plus, lonely farmers, the heady days of Marco Pierre White’s Titanic restaurant, weird boots, ‘Pretty Woman’ and an extremely unimpressive idea for a new barbershop based business.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Jack and Rose of wine,

Direct download: TKIOF-EP216-TITANIC.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:39am EST

Hello. This is TickyOff. If you don’t know the drill by now then wake up. This is the 215th episode of this jazzy chat based ballyhoo and it’s a damn fine one.
This week James opens huge with a long chat about an imaginary engine, goes to the pub with his children and has a weird obsession with doughnuts. Sam just about manages to equal this unbelievably top rate chat by de-icing cats, arguing with a customer about sourdough and possibly becoming pregnant.
Then chef and restaurateur Gary Usher arrives and one of the great pyramidical mouthnoise structures is aurally created for you. Gary has had a chat with a cabbie, made himself redundant in his own business and came up short in a 'This Morning' screentest. He may also, possibly, have been watching ‘The Fugitive’ in the back seat of his car and/or eating sausages with a spoon. Like much of TickyOff, it’s a little unclear.
Despite such weapons grade hilarity, this episode features some very honest reflections on regret, social media, the frustrations of the restaurant industry and taking responsibility.
Episode two one five proves once more that there is pretty much nothing the TickyOff Boyz can’t deliver on the podcast stage. From addled nonsense to tearful confession, TickyOff is basically Amazon Prime for human emotion, just minus the awful working conditions and the fella with the naughty videos on his phone. Know this.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Prime of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP215-THE_BEAMER_PART_ONE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:38am EST

This week on the end of the pier/end of the world podcast TickyOff, James and Sam are joined by Robin Gill, chef and restaurateur behind a whole bunch of fine restaurants including The Dairy, Darby’s, and Sorella. Robin has the ability to make sounds using his mouth and he puts this skill to perfect use on the podcast. Said sounds include opening his new place, proposing to his wife after one week, giving his son a very cool name and a discussion of the insanely good chorizo at Asador Etxebarri.

Before Robin appears, The TickyOff Boyz sell a whole bunch of joy, ride a horse while drunk and smoke at school. James goes to Silo, offends a charity for the blind and sucks pennies to avoid jail time. Sam reviews ‘1917’, previews Christopher Nolan’s new film ‘Tenet’ , looks at a slideshow of grim eye afflictions and considers just how similar Rasputin and Charles Manson looked.

All this top grade nonsense plus Irishmen with their own farms, Val Kilmer in ‘Willow’, Robin’s mashed potato tekkers and James gets called ‘a conker on a string’…..

This week’s episode is sponsored by the ‘chicken and egg question’ of the world of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP214-GILL_COMMUNICATION.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:10am EST

Welcome to the year 2020, potentially the final year of mankind’s existence on Planet Earth. Along with cockroaches, scientists believe that the only creatures that could survive the coming apocalypse will be The TickyOff Boyz . It is unclear why they think this and how they expect one horse and one grumpy ghost obsessive to repopulate the planet. The TickyOff Two are however, willing to give it a try.

Before you all die though, here is Episode 213 to pour aurally into your ears. Vice and Time Out (among many others) journalist Angela Hui is here and she’s brought crisps. She’s also brought G Ramsay chat, Asian Flush yap and a portion of babble concerning a holy place, Chippy Alley in Cardiff. There’s also time for Sufjan Stevens, Greggs and the benefits to having woolly hands.

Before Angela arrives, James makes a stupidly boozy gravy, has a lovely pair of new boots and has started dressing like evil chucklehead Dominic Cummings. Sam meanwhile has a sushi and dog walking face off with the singer from Razorlight in Osaka. It’s quite the tale of fish and hounds.

This weeks episode is sponsored by wine knights of the apocalypse drop

Direct download: TKIOF-EP213-HANDS_OF_WOOL.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:28am EST

This is the New Year’s Eve special 2019. This is an episode with no intro. This is an episode in which Sam and James spray aural mouth noise around with a) abandon and b) Richard Corrigan of Bentley’s, Corrigan’s and his newest restaurant, Daffodil Mulligan.

Richard talks about opening in Shoreditch versus Mayfair, spoken word and traditional folk music, laziness in success, why he rides a flowery yellow moped and his love for young Dublin punk legends Fontaines DC.

There’s also room for Riverdance Disco, Sam plays pool with Coldplay, James has a terrifying lunch with Rowley Leigh, why real oystermen don’t eat oysters and Richard reveals his favourite pub in the world.

Finally, respects are paid to the much missed Gary Rhodes and Richard shares his tips for a proper NYE. The main takeaway being you should probably just go to Corrigan's Mayfair.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Jools Hollands of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP212-NEW_YEARS_EVE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:33am EST

For the 2019 TickyOff Christmas Special Sam and James have lunch with two absolute heroes; Fergus Henderson and Trevor Gulliver.
Said lunch takes place at St John.
For twenty five years, it is said that Fergus ‘puts it on the plate’ and Trevor ‘puts it in the glass’ at St John.
Since before time began, The TickyOff Boyz have been said to ‘put it on the pod’.
So a recording of the lunch has flat-out been put….on the pod.

Great quantities of wine are drunk, greater quantities of food are eaten.
However, the substance in greatest supply during this feast, is chat. Solid gold festive chat.

Is that angels singing? No, it’s Fergus and Trevor’s origin story involving hotdogs at a dog track.
Is that the sound of jingle bells….jingling? Nah, that’s Lee Tiernan yap, AA Gill discussion and Jonathan Gold babble.
Ah, the gentle pop of chestnuts roasting on an open fire! Alas no, your ears deceive you, that’s James eating snails, Sam’s cat dying during recording and Fergus teaching the correct irrigation technique for Worcestershire sauce on a rarebit.

Other Christmas miracles on aural display include Paul Bocuse’s ever growing toque, stuffing as a Christmas lunch prep jazz moment, ‘Master And Commander’ and the serenity of bread sauce.

The TickyOff Boyz were and remain, very honoured and grateful to have been invited to lunch with two such legendary fellows.
In much the same way as you are no doubt honoured and grateful to be able to listen in.

Happy Christmas dear listeners. We have love for you. In a way.

This week’s episode is sponsored by your very own Christmas miracles at

RIP Ripley x

Direct download: TKIOF-EP211-THE_POD_OF_ST_JOHN.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:43am EST

This week James has been mean to Sam. It’s unclear why but could have something to do with a chat about oysters and lemons that hasn’t even happened yet, but happens three weeks from now. It’s another example of the TickyOff Two bending time itself to their will. Or just misunderstanding how clocks and calendars and podcast release schedules work. That, like much of what they babble on about, is unclear.

Between dissing Sam, James has also found time to carry a coffin and make a lot of edgy, but hilarious, jokes at a funeral. Sam has been to the cinema and drops a fascinating review of ‘Knives Out’ direct into your ears.

They then depart TickyOff Towers and head off to Passione Vino, one of London’s greatest wine shops. There they meet up with proprietor Luca Dusi and get stuck into a lot of wine and even more chat.

Luca talks about joining the army, leaving Verona and why he has a fetish for gorgonzola. There’s a deep dive into the whole natural wine debate, a little cannibalism discussion and James regales all with an incredibly depressing Italian biscuit recipe.

All that classic chat vibe and yet there’s still time for Luca to heartily recommend a hard cheese as a precursor to….romance.

This week’s episode is sponsored by wine casanovas

Direct download: TKIOF-EP210-FUNKY_WINE_AT_THE_FUNERAL.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:22am EST

Let’s open big here. Let’s open on a massive part of this week’s episode. Listen up listeners, this week.... James’s data problems continue! It’s a real nail-biting affair.
It’s tough to follow that up I know but here goes..
Sam wonders whether people are actually nice and the pair of them wonder on what car chef Gary Usher drives. James apologises to Sam’s wife and Sam wants to know how many extras peed in the water on the set of ‘Titanic’.

Then Guardian food Lord Bob ‘Bobby’ Granleese arrives and basically erupts all over the place with his renowned brand of good cheer, positive mental attitude and all round smiley demeanour.

Bob chuckles up a storm about Mourinho to Tottenham, editing Will Self and being attacked by teenage fans of The Cure. He radiates joy and happiness concerning his new desk, the brilliance of the late Deborah Orr and he finally answers one of the longest running questions in TickyOff lore: Is Angela Hartnett stern?

These three titans of chat also try a microwave Rustler burger live on air, Sam meets a helicopter gunship pilot and James’s dead body gets left on a runway in Thailand.

This is pure TickyOff. Babble but better. The best a man (or woman) can get. Once listened, forever smitten. Wake up.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Castrol GTX’s of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP209-BOBBY_ADDITIONS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:52am EST

Another week, another episode of TickyOff. This week the damn Sam and the darn James open strong, with some scarf chat. The ground shakes at that level of chat. The seas boil with dialogue that powerful. A plague of locusts may well be released with mouthsounds so fascinating.
There’s only one way to follow that up, and that’s with the long awaited return of GhostChat!
Sam tells the usual scientifically-rigorous tale of a haunted suburban house in North Wales where a phone has gone missing, there is the stench of rotting flesh and it’s impossible to ascertain how many kids live in said house. Chilling.

Then all round big deal chef Marcus Samuelsson arrives and discusses his visits to football stadiums, why lingonberries are much better than cranberries and why paella is so tricky to make well. He also discusses slow expansion, what it was like coming up in the industry as a young black chef and how he learnt his love of cooking from his adoptive grandmother.

Finally, he describes cooking the first state dinner for Barack Obama, the benefits of cold water dips and why all food needs proper context to make sense.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the presidents of wine,

Direct download: TKIOF-EP208-PORTAL_IN_THE_LIVING_ROOM.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:21am EST

Great Danes, tiny bottles of rum, milkshaking and gerrymandering. On no other damn podcast would you get an array of subjects so bewitching within the first half hour.
James and Sam also find time to exercise their mouthmuscles upon other equally as enticing topics such as Doncaster, Blur Vs Oasis, citizens arrests and their love for Emile restaurant. Oh, and they explain in great detail exactly what 'browning the cream' means. What that immortal phrase means for you, and the rest of humanity.

Then chef and new Byron Food Director Sophie Michell basically arrives at TickyOff Towers and things take a turn for the more interesting and less idiotic. There’s the violence and sexism of old school kitchens, the madness of night shift hotel cooks, and the deep sadness of James getting bullied by Jean-Christophe Novelli.

Plus, tall poppy syndrome, turning around a troubled brand, moving to Beirut, private cheffing for Claudia Schiffer and a long pondering on which Batman you’d most want to hang out with.

It’s TickyOff, and it’s just brilliant isn’t it?

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Batman and the Robin of wine drinks,


Direct download: TKIOF-EP207-SAM_GOT_SCAMMED.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:30am EST

Upon this week, upon this episode, James and Sam are drunk.

James has drunk a stein of beer, Sam has been watching 'The Martian'. Despite these issues, they've also managed to create a website and have begun plotting the world's first ever TickyOff Awards.

Then Will Lander of Quality Chop House, Portland and Clipstone fame (among others) arrives and this wondrous triple mouth threat go deep on expansion, retail, wine, The Portland Pivot, backing talented chefs and having a wine expert for a mother.

There's also a very long discussion of 'El Camino: A Breaking Bad Story', a pondering on whether or not a banana is proof of God's existence and Sam once more thinks pork chops are dry....

This episode is sponsored by your wine friends and mine,

Direct download: TKIOF-EP206-A_NAUGHTY_BISCUIT.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:03am EST

This week on mankind’s very greatest greatest achievement, The Goddamn TickyOff Boyz are joined by Ferhat Dirik, twitter legend, operator of Mangal 2 (Hands down one of the best restaurants in London). Ferhat opens his mouth and sounds basically fall out. These sounds concern, expansion, taking over a family business, Gilbert and George, why he hates his house and his very sneaky visits to Padella.

Before Ferhat arrives, James and Sam begin plotting the first TickyOff Awards 2019, wonder when one is officially middle aged and Sam apologizes to a previous guest…

Plus, there’s the perils of working with Deliveroo, questions from Twitter and the most underrated dishes you should be ordering at Mangal 2.

This episode is sponsored by wine gods

Direct download: TKIOF-EP205-A_BED_FULL_OF_SPIDERS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:02pm EST

This week Sam and James get straight into the biggest issues currently facing humankind/themselves. Namely, how many murderers listen to TickyOff, whether or not food should ever make an appearance in the bedroom, whether James is scared of anything whatsoever and what happens if you throw eggs at space shuttles. James also drops a powerful review of ‘Joker’ and Sam has seen some sharks swimming by a nuclear power station.

After an opening like that, there’s only one person who could possibly stand toe to toe, aurally, with the TickyOff Two. That person is chef and restaurateur Stevie ‘Steve’ Parle. Stevie tells his tale from Ballymaloe cooking school, to the River Cafe, to opening Dock Kitchen, closing Rotorino and opening Pastaio at Westfield. He also shares the beauty of Japanese builders, the difficulties of setting the right tone in a kitchen and he provides an in depth recipe for his favourite Italian soup.

There’s also time for a long chat about colours, some glove discussion and some dried bean banter.

It’s TickyOff and be honest, there is nothing even close to as wonderful as this in any of your lives.

This week’s episode is sponsored by wine pedlars of great repute

Direct download: TKIOF-EP204-STEVIE_BOUGHT_A_HAWK.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:21am EST

This week’s episode is brought to you by the letter F.
There’s fish, fascinating chat, and the vast majority is fool-free because Sam isn’t here.
He is around for the intro however where he discusses his beautiful hair and the time he had to kill a mouse humanely. In a verbal parry back at those incredible yap thrusts, James makes mouth sounds about his glamorous visit to the Observer Food Monthly Awards and also seemingly has no idea whatsoever about which animals live in canals.

Things improve no end once this week’s guest Josh Niland arrives. James takes on the renowned chef and fish butcher one on one, face en face, mano a horse..o.
Josh shares some unbelievable fish based knowledge such as how to make fish fat ice cream, crackers from fish eyeballs and mortadella from fish sperm. He also explains why water is the enemy of decent fish, how to write a book in a couple of months alongside two toddlers, a newborn baby and a hectic business and he also takes some questions from Twitter.

It’s not your usual TickyOff in that it’s pretty damn informative, sensible and near enough entirely ghost-less. Take this information and do what you will with it. I am not the boss of you.

This week’s episode is sponsored by winemongers

Direct download: TKIOF-EP203-HERMAN_THE_MERMAN.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:56am EST

Guess what’s on fire?
That’s right, the planet is.
You can also add ‘The Kitchen’ to that flaming hot list.
I feel like I’ve made that joke before. I’d look back and check but I can’t. I am a shark and I cannot reverse.

This week The TickyOff Boyz utterly fail to deliver an intro to the episode. This is because they were in the pub. Sometimes, these things happen. I’d apologise but to be honest, water meet underside of the bridge. Bygones. Etc.

Anyway you don’t need an intro when you’ve got Selin Kiazim in the house*
*It’s not a house. It’s an office. Just for full disclosure.
Selin tells all about how she ended up owning and running two (and a half) restaurants, writing a cookbook and appearing on ‘Great British Menu’. There’s Peter Gordon at The Providores chat, modernising the food of her childhood discussion and operating in a tricky business environment…..verbals.

Meanwhile James drops an enormous jug of Bloody Mary mix on a train platform, Sam explains competitive hot-dog eating contest technicalities and Selin admits that the cooking show that inspired her to start cooking may well have involved a pair of legends known as The TickyOff Boyz of the early nineties, Gary Rhodes and Ainsley Harriot.

This week’s episode is sponsored by The TickyOff Boyz of wine

Category:general -- posted at: 11:06am EST

After last week and the incredible staging of their own (podcast) deaths, James and Sam return to the usual ballyhoo and tomfoolery that has defined them for decades now. They turn their backs on the wondrous illusions and, if we’re being entirely honest, pure magic of last week and leave that to the likes of David Copperfield, Paul Daniels and that weird uncle you only ever met at birthday parties who had a cup with a vanishing ball in it and a multi-coloured hankerchief and subscriptions to….magazines and wore brown trousers and drove a 1970’s sedan car even though it was 1992. You know the sort.

Anyway, this week Chinese food expert and author Fuchsia Dunlop arrives in TickyOff Towers and explains how she became said expert and wrote a number of cookbooks including Sam’s all time favourite.
She schools our heroic pair on stir frying tekkers, the city of Chengdu and explains why she once set her own cookbook on fire.
Before Fuchsia shows up James has had a birthday, Pidgin has come up with a bad dish, they talk a bunch about spaetzle and ponder on a huge question: Can any fish reverse?

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Siegfried and Roy of wine delivery,

Direct download: TKIOF-EP201-THE_FOOD_OF_SICHUAN.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:31am EST

So this is it. The end of the line. Game over. Butch and Sundance going out in a blaze of glory or John Virgo and Jim Davidson going their separate ways after ‘Big Break’ is not renewed for another series of brilliant snooker themed light entertainment.

The TickyOff Boys have towered over the world of podcasts for decades now. The awards too numerous to mention (Three Nobel Peace Prizes, a Field’s Medal in advanced mathematics, four A* at A-Level, a fifty metre swimming badge, Most Improved Player Chichester City Colts 1989, Horse Rear Of The Year 2001 and many many more too numerous to mention such as Grand National Winner 1974, Miss World 1980, 1981, 1982, Largest Marrow Widnes County Council Allotment Fete 2002, Grammy awards for best packaging and best guitar solo on a Latin Salsa track, WWF Wrestlemania Tag Team Champions 1988, and other awards far too numerous to mention).

It’s time for them to pass the torch, hand over the baton, step aside, let others attempt their own journeys to the very peak of human achievement via the medium of a vaguely food based podcast.
They go out as they came in, talking nonsense, delivering great wisdom and basically keeping it so real that reality itself somehow becomes even more real than humankind ever believed it could be in reality…..

In this emotional final farewell, James wants to kill cats and had a terrible salad at his own wedding. Sam really wants a hug from a prior podcast guest and is afraid of trampolines. There is a long and involved discussion about horse feet, why you shouldn’t kiss your Dad on the lips and they finally answer a question TickyOff fans have asked for years: What do you wear in bed?

There’s also time for a long promised deep dive into why Magpie failed, Dame Barbara Cartland and some discussion about piles.

This was TickyOff and one day the true majestic wonder of it will be studied and appreciated by the human/alien hybrids that will rule Planet Earth millennia from now. The TickyOff Boyz accept the gratitude and the love of you all. We know what we have provided, how much we have raised up civilisation. We are very humble human/God people. You’re welcome.

This week’s episode is sponsored by wine providers to the stars

Direct download: TKIOF-THE_END_PART_TWO.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:31am EST

Guess who’s back this week for their second bite of a TickyOff shaped apple?
MiMi Aye, that’s who. MiMi is back to talk up an aural storm about her new book ‘Mandalay’, family trees, Twitter beefs and eating chicken on Burmese trains.
Meanwhile, James regularly risks decapitation on trains to Yorkshire, has an Apple Watch and is a huge fan of ‘The Princess Bride’.
Plus, Sam doesn’t enjoy the music of Prince, discusses the physics of ice skates and reveals that his Nan used to buy him some very unsuitable music when he was a kid….

Somehow Episode 199 also features a vast array of celebrities including Rutger Hauer, Nigella Lawson, Ryan Reynolds, Jet Li and David Bowie. If that ain't a TickyOff-shaped dinner party, I don’t know what is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the atom splitters of wine delivery

Direct download: TKIOF-EP199-ANIMAL_CROSSING.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:52pm EST

Albert Einstein.
Marie Curie.
Paul Daniels.
All incredible scientists whose insights and incredible brains pushed humankind to ever greater heights. Add to this absolutely legendary braintrust two further names, James Of Ramsden and Sam O’Herlihy AKA The Gawddarn TickyOff Boyz. The reason their names deserve to sit alongside the science nerds named above? This episode of TickyOff.

Who else could conceive of a ghost named Derek? Who else could open a sandwich shop yesterday? Who else could slag off a beloved steak based restaurateur this much? Who else can update the humble fork to a new and spectacular level?

Get those wacky Nobel folk on the phone, The TickyOff Boyz just ordered a few Peace Prizes and a bag of medals. To go. Wake up.

This week esteemed baker, writer, photographer and general Flour Lord Dan Lepard is here. Dan creates mouth sounds for your ears on topics ranging from learning before the internet, eating at other people’s houses, wanting more anger in food writing and why restaurants should maybe stop trying to bake their own damn bread. The three mouths available for this week’s episode also get into the problem with ‘cucina povera’, food as a psychedelic drug, the world marmalade awards and the genealogy of classic restaurant dishes.

I get it, this much incredible content has probably already melted your grey brains out through your earholes but guess what? There’s even more packed in here, like a porky farce in a chicken’s chest cavity. Sam thinks he might have seen the Turin Shroud, Dan visits a number of Turin adult cinemas and James wonders on a decision with planet destroying possibilities:

Is it time for them to quit The Tickyoff for good?……..

This week’s episode is sponsored by the really lovely and kind people at

Direct download: TKIOF-EP198-PROVABLE_IDIOCY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:14pm EST

This week on Thee TickyOff Sam and James get straight into vast, slab-like topics such as James’s son’s first day of school, a weird/nice message on Instagram and the stressfest that is opening Sons + Daughters. James is so British he makes his own daughter poorly and Sam may have seen his first actual real-life, scientifically undeniable GHOST!!! It’s a hell of a Devon based tale.

Then Dishoom’s Naved Nasir arrives and the three mouths on aural display, display sounds (again, aurally) to your ears in a non-visual, an aural, manner. Naved dishes all on his origin story, giving away his recipe secrets in the new Dishoom cookbooks, building a great company culture and keeping control of an ever expanding menu. He also gets into how it feels to run such busy restaurants while maintaining what first attracted guests through the doors.

This week’s episode is sponsored by wine chaps/fellows/gents

Direct download: TKIOF-EP197-THE_SECRETS_OF_DISHOOM.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:15am EST

Firstly a little note, our mighty sandwich shop Sons + Daughters opens soon in Kings Cross! Listen to this episode on the way there and you may hear word of a TICKYOFF FAN EXCLUSIVE OFFER!!!

Now, on with the babble….

Guess who’s back?
A bunch of easily preventable diseases? Correct. Anti-vaxers, a plague upon yer unvaccinated houses.
Fascism? Correct. Fascists are, much like love is in mega hit ‘Love Is All Around’ by Wet Wet Wet, all around.
Twee and dull indie pop band Bombay Bicycle Club? Yep. I was surprised too, but they are indeed back and dropping some more twee and dull indie pop 'bangers' as we speak.

In a world where awful things keep coming back, we need something amazing to come back. Something magnificent and brilliant and mindblowing. Something like the goddamn TickyOff Boyz packing another galaxy humping episode of the solar system’s favourite podcast* The Goddamn TickyOff.

*We checked, and aliens think all that NPR nonsense, and Maron, and that buff fella and the freakynomics chap all SUUUUUCCCCKKK. We are massive in Saturn and could not be bigger on Pluto. Don’t write in to our email address that I’ve forgotten to tell me: ‘Oh well actually Pluto isn’t classified as a planet now actually I think you’ll find actually’. Because if I could remember the damn login then I’d reply: ‘Actually, don’t be unkind to Pluto. you can’t take that designation away just because someone cleaned the lens on Hubble and found that Pluto was actually just some birdmess on the glass that made it appear as if there was a planet there. That’s incredibly mean to them and at this point considering what we’re doing to Earth I’d say that our rock barely still qualifies as a planet too so pipe down planetary nomenclature pedant!’

Well, that really went somewhere.

Anyway, this week the Boyz slip right into some pig offal chat, Yorkie bars, holiday romances and the merits of cargo pants. James is irritated by a French fishmonger and Sam tries to impress a girl by killing someone.

If that wasn’t controversial enough Giles Coren shows up and……is Giles Coren. Unrepentant, Gary Lineker dissing, risotto loathing, music hating, peacock eating Giles Coren. He’s back from Greece, might be a secret vegan and while he may not enjoy eating dormice, he’s not shy of putting down a peacock or two.

This is what you’ve been missing all summer. While the world burned itself and its moral compass to cinders, The TickyOff was just waiting for its moment to return, like a soothing aural salve for the grim ills of humanity. Sound based Savlon for the sore graze of humankind. You don’t get that from bloody Maron now do you? Wake up.

This week’s episode is sponsored by intergalactic wine pedlars

Direct download: TKIOF-EP196-EATING_PEACOCK.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:41pm EST

This week on TickyOff there is the usual mix of witty banter, interesting food tips and tricks, béarnaise technique, a deep dive into Escoffier’s legacy and how to help your children if they happen to be fussy eaters.
The above is a bald faced lie, despite the fact that my face is very much un-bald. It is haired. Non-bald. Like a rugged peach.

What there actually is a masturbating ghost ape, hawk excrement, Tilda Swinton eating rats, how to turn into a bat and turning Matt Berry into Kris Kristofferson.

Natasia Demetriou, star of ‘What We Do In The Shadows’, ‘Stath Lets Flats’ and ‘Ellie And Natasia’ is here and the TickyOff Boyz are nervous because they think she’s just swell.
They try and quell the nerves before she arrives with the aforementioned sexy chimp spectre and the raptor mess. Sam wants to know if birds can smell. James gets annoyed and laughs a lot.

Then Natasia arrives and yaps up a goddamn storm about auditioning, her deep love for free snacks, visiting a half built EuroDisney and she reads a moving passage from her teenage diary about her heartfelt concern for her friends when they started smoking in a playground.

There’s also room in this meaty stuffed goose of an episode for the Goss brothers eating Ginsters, pigeons eating Mighty White and Natasia comes out swinging at schools for clowns.

This week’s episode is sponsored by rare Giant Condors of the world of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP195-FIRE_SEX_MONEY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:14am EST

When the human race looks back upon the greatest mistakes that civilisation has made throughout the span of life upon planet Earth, the first part of this episode of TickyOff will no doubt take it’s shameful place upon the list.

Yes, Season 2 of ‘Prison Break’, Donald ‘Duck/Dick’ Trump, and Magpie on 10 Heddon Street were all calamitous nightmares. They were all utter disasterpieces that seemingly paid no heed to the vast swathes of human progress that came before them. None however are as awful as the first twenty minutes or so of the episode about to drip, grimly, into your ear things.
It could all have been avoided. Things get off to an alright start as the TickyOff boys open serious with a deep dive into a dreadful customer at Pidgin. However what follows can only be described as a aural pile up involving multiple failures of imagination, poor quality decision making and pretty base stupidity.
All is not lost however! You can skip forward to the arrival of this week’s guest, Pod Lord, Luke Moore. The minute he shows up, things get a huge amount better.

Luke spills mouth-made sound beans all over the damn place regarding his (nearly as popular as TickyOff) podcast, 'The Football Ramble', the wonders of Gosport, his deep love of pop music, and a dog he knows who ate a sock.

There’s also ‘Midsommar’ chat, Sir Richard Stein discussion and a goalkeeper who believed an ancient Mayan prophecy and missed training. Finally there’s time for the return of Who Eats What?, mousse love and the much missed aeroplane-eater Monsieur Mangetout.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the very best wine pedlars in all of Gaia,

Direct download: TKIOF-EP194-MOUSSE_LOVER_1.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:09pm EST

Last week the TickyOff Boyz visited the ancient pyramids. As they approached these magnificent desert triangles, Sam jumped down from James’s mighty back and noticed something.
“A triangle has three points!” Sam bellowed powerfully.
James snorted in agreement and they both immediately reached the same conclusion. They should find a guest who had been on the TickyOff twice before and invite them back on the TickyOff for a third TickyOff appearance so that they could be the first triangular guest on the TickyOff. What better way to pay homage to their favourite shape, the triangle? There was only one possible human who could achieve this milestone, Eater London editor, Adam Coghlan.
Sam jumped back astride his trusty steed with a powerful cry of:
“To home, my equine buddy!”
They turned away from the sandy three sided brick stacks and rode home to TickyOff Towers to anoint the very first TickyOff Triangle Human.

Adam ponders on why some people hate Eater London, the AA Gill award controversy, influencers, nuance torpedoes and reaching across an aisle. He comes out in support of a foul crisp and raves about Tata Eatery.
Also, Sam has had an operation on his back and legged it from a nurse. James went to Yorkshire and cooked a rubbish salmon-based meal. There’s gildas discussion, Adam wears something called The Bill Oddie and Sam goes up to the top of the Royal Opera House only to discover a strange genre of toilet.

This weeks’ episode is sponsored by legendary whisperers of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP193-CHRONOLOGY_OF_OUTRAGE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:16am EST

This week on the fun filled and friendly Kitchen Is On Fire podcast James Ramsden and Samuel Herlihy have a lovely chat about the wonderful world of food. James offers up some very useful tips on spatchcocking a chicken. Sam shares a fascinating tale about a very unusual fish. If you’re a ‘real foodie’ then you’ll love this episode. Sunday Times food and Code Hospitality editor Lisa Markwell then joins the boys to share her deep wealth of knowledge about pesky restaurant lists, savoy cabbage and her incredible, and incredibly educational ,visit to Palestine. Food broadcasting at it’s very very best I think you’ll agree……..

Right, that was foul. This week on the goddamn TickyOff:

Are bears canines?
Sam doesn’t understand poultry skeletal systems!
There’s a fish with a human face!
James finds a mystery cheese!
Lisa Markwell goes on a boat with Mick Hucknall and Sinead O’Connor!
James was a brat when he worked in a pub!
Lisa has never ever drunk Coca-Cola!

It’s a podcast with more legendary chat than any other and if you describe yourself, ever, as a real foodie, you’ve come to the wrong damn place. Wake up.

This week’s episode is sponsored by awesome wine people


Direct download: TKIOF-EP192-HUCKNALLS_LOOP-AROUND.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:17am EST

It was a dark and stormy night….
No it wasn’t!
That’s a complete lie!
Wool, meet my pulling hands, meet your eyeballs!
It was an early evening in London in June. Therefore, British Summer Time. So it wasn’t dark and it wasn’t night and the weather was fine.
What a trickster I am. And you totally bought it. Unlucky.

Anyway, the scene is now set. Great British Bake Off series one winner Edd Kimber turned up at the TickyOff Towers and two mouths became three mouths and sounds from those mouths were heard. From all three mouths. 'Twah boosh' as our Gallic pals might say.

There’s Paul Hollywood chat, Edd’s new deep dive into sourdough, baking in Israel, the best bun and everyone’s favourite windy day activities.

Sam eats a taxi driver’s cookie in New York. James turns on Sam. Edd gets his revenge on the kids who bullied him at school and they all eat delicious yucca flour based treats.

Oh and before Edd arrives, The TickyOff Two go very long and very deep on a mysterious business card belonging to a man who can raise the dead, stop evil eyes in their evil tracks and may or may not be able to fix James’s poor quality golf swing.

This is TickyOff and it sure is swell.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the witchy wine voodoo of those wacky kids at

Category:general -- posted at: 11:17am EST

The TickyOff Boyz have been present at many of the greatest events in human history. When the pyramids were being built Sam was there, complaining that all of the snacks had too much honey in them. When JFK was shot, James was grazing on the grassy knoll. They were both at the filming of the ‘Big Break’ season 14 finale when John Virgo finally had enough of boorish scumbag Jim Davidson, clobbered him about the head with a snooker cue and started feeding him those blue chalk cubes.
They were also present in TickyOff Towers a week or so ago when Emma Underwood, legendary GM of newly opened Darby’s in London showed up to utilise her mouth to create audible noises on a wide variety of subjects.
This is a record of this world-cleaving event, Episode 190: Welcome To Woho.

Revel in Emma’s origin story from anarcha-feminist PhD to working for Gary Usher! Thrill to Sam using too many spoons! Listen in awe as James says ‘hella’ a lot!

This triangular chat-based cohort also manage to discuss diversity in hiring, windmills, mentorship, moats and Marcus Wareing’s stag do.

It’s TickyOff, and you should know by now, it’s very special indeed.

This week’s episode is sponsored by wine mavens

Direct download: TKIOF-EP190-WELCOME_TO_WOHO.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:23am EST

Sam and James went to a donut* shop in Brooklyn.
The donut shop is owned by Wylie Dufresne.
Wylie Dufresne is a legend among chefs for his pioneering work at the sadly now closed WD50 and Alder.
He then decided to open the aforementioned donut shop.
They sell donuts.
Which are lush.
They also sell a grilled cheese and egg sandwich which is also, lush.
Wylie Dufresne very kindly agreed to trade off mouth noises with James and Sam.
So that’s what happened.
And that’s what this is.
A TickyOffWorld first, a bonus episode.
Wylie Dufresne is a lovely dude.
Sam and James are lovely dudes, on occasion.
Happy Christmas people!
You are, at least a little, welcome.

*It's Gotham, that's the spelling

This week’s episode is sponsored by the kind and generous people at

Direct download: TKIOF-BONUS_POD-DONUT_MATHS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:42am EST

The TickyOff Boyz have sailed across the North Sea in a galleon. A traverse which no one has ever managed to survive despite humankind attempting it for millennia. Upon reaching the far shore, James and Sam discover a strange land, a city named Gotham, and a vast number of sandwiches.
Fortunately for you they record their discoveries and provide great insight into them by rubbing their teeth together and shaking their tongues to create mouth sounds which your ear bones can detect.

They have made this incredible, and brave, journey on a research trip to discover whether the people of Gotham can make better sandwiches than the TickyOff Gang. It turns out, no they can’t. They also see some spooky black smoke, are yelled at by a taxi driver called Dennis and they eat a pickle-packet on a busy intersection. James tries to outwit a buffet, Sam has fallen deep into a Coldplay shaped rabbit-hole and they both wonder, once more, where exactly Jackson Boxer has got stuck this week.

Then they meet up with chef and co-owner of King restaurant Jess Shadbolt and things get more than real. Jess adds her mouth noises to proceedings concerning restaurant scene camaraderie, disastrous services, the realities of running a restaurant in NYC and advice and help from food world heavyweights Dave Chang, Gabrielle Hamilton and Will Beckett from Hawksmoor. Will also seems to pop up throughout the pod as everyone thinks that he and the drummer from Coldplay may well be the same person.

There’s also time for flapJack, a lot of borlotti bean chat, ’Sleepless In Seattle’ and Sam and James reveal exactly what Le Page is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the kind and generous people at and by the Bane and Batman of wine at

Category:general -- posted at: 6:23am EST

It’s another week in TickyOff Land and that can mean only one thing; the moon has circled Jupiter once again, it’s orbit controlled, as science tells us, by magma, magnets and mountains sinking into the Earth’s mantle, or crust.

Now there’s a paragraph that made close to no sense. Much like most of Episode 188. James has been to Sweden and is fascinated by deceased actor Powers Boothe. Sam has been camping and believes old people to be dry to the touch.
There’s a return of new segment ‘Where’s Jackson Boxer Stuck?’, there’s morteau sausage cooked on a fire, anthrax from dead deer and we finally work out exactly what Postman Pat and Mrs Goggins get up to when Pat ‘visits’.

Then chef and restaurateur Tom Aikens arrives and sounds created in his lungs, as science tells us, are delivered into the ears of the human race. These sounds concern his new steakhouse in Abu Dhabi, running a frankly ludicrous number of marathons, his origin story from Norfolk alongside his twin brother, and a blue cheese addiction which pretty much gets out of control.

A selection of other noises erupting from Tom include old school restaurant culture, working for Pierre Koffmann and what happened when he sat astride a runaway race horse.

This week’s episode is sponsored by sausages.
That’s a lie. It’s sponsored by


Direct download: TKIOF-EP188-BEWARE_MRS_BENDY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:53am EST

Gary Rhodes in his spiky-haired prime, delicately basting a filet of beef with foaming butter…

Nigel Kennedy in an Aston Villa shirt picking out a heartrending melody on his violin…

Les Dennis effortlessly controlling a studio audience with wit, good looks, and pure charm…

All masters in their respective fields. Operating at the very top of their games. Providing inspiration, inspiring jealousy, moving humankind forward, showing the way. Proving what is possible with God-given talent and almost superhuman dedication.

None even come close to James Reginald Colin Ramsden talking about postboxes on this week’s TickyOff. None.

It’s obviously slightly downhill after a start as incredible as this one but music photographer Edu Hawkins steps up and more than holds his own.
He provides ample mouth-created sounds about photographing BB King, Gil Scott Heron, Jarvis Cocker, and perhaps less impressively, Ed Sheeran.
There’s also New Orleans food discussion, the problem with The Foo Fighters and strange toilets in restaurants.
Finally, Sam is very anti reckless activity, James reviews Gloria Trattoria, Edu can’t burp and they all decide what they’d want to see if they peeled the skin of their faces off.

This is TickyOff and if you don’t know what you’ve signed up for, then read the small print ya phony!

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Levi Roots of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP187-KILLER_PHOTOGRAPHY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:14am EST

Horses are beautiful creatures. Powerful animal shaped beings with long faces, wavy manes and metal feet.
Sometimes you just have to set them free.

In a move which again illustrates Sam’s heroic, humble and truly depthless humanity, this week he unhitches the saddle from James’s back, unties the plaits in James’s mane, feeds James a sugarcube and lets him run free for the very first time. As the leather seat of bondage falls to ground, and the sugarcube crunches beneath those big horsey teeth, James turns to Sam and in those dark, somewhat vacant equine eyes, there lies a question:

Can this be true? That you would give me….the world? The world entire in which I can canter?

Sam says nothing, but the look in his powerful, and stunning, blue eyes, says more than any words ever could. But if there were any words the four legged ass would understand, they would be something like:

Of course I give you this, donkey buddy. I am just an everyday hero.

Then the horse runs off to Thailand.

That’s right, this week, Sam heroically steps aside and allows James to carry the pod on his broad mule-like back. He’s in Thailand talking to food writer Kay Plunkett-Hogge and chef and restaurateur of Pok Pok, Andy Ricker.

Don’t worry though, there’s at least a little Sam this week in the intro where he emits mouth sounds concerning unexplained falling objects over Chichester, cooks something which James says is gross and takes a swing at both his mother and his sister for complaining about a prior podcast.
Plus there’s a very serious chat about redemption, hand to hand combat with vegetables and teaching your kid how to behave via the movies of James Bond.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Redrum’s of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP186-TICKYOFF_IN_THAILAND.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:35am EST

The humility and truly humble nature of the TickyOff Boyz is what many people believe has led to their vast success in life, and in podcasting. Sure, there’s the wonderful humanitarian work they do. There’s Sam’s work with people affected by ghost hauntings or James’s selfless support of people who look like horses to name but two. These vast achievements on behalf of humankind itself generally fly under the radar completely because Sam and James don’t do them for the recognition, the fame, the well wishes or the financial reward. They do these things because they are probably two of the greatest human people ever to have lived. You wouldn’t know it to meet them though, they’d just shrug and bat away any compliments.

‘It’s just who we are’ they’d say.

'It’s just what we do’ they’d say.

You’d be honoured to be in their presence and you’d be left with more questions than answers. How can two people be that kind, that handsome and that successful yet also that pure of heart and endeavour? It’s incredible. They really are very special indeed.

All of these qualities are in full effect on this week’s episode. Sam has been digging a river and named it after himself. James has a Vicks stain on his teeshirt which only adds to his raw sexuality. There is a fascinating discussion of names, learning from burning, and James keeps naming members of semi-obscure British rock band of the early Noughties, Oceansize.

Then comedian, rival food podcaster and heavy music fan Ed Gamble arrives and two mouths become three, like viral bacteria multiplies but in an aural sense.

Ed talks about his start in comedy, 'Big Train', dressing like a rabbit (consensually) and why he may or may not be wearing chainmail underwear. There’s also a discussion about sensitivity in comedy, the fall of Louis CK and what the most metal of woodwind instruments might be.

Somehow they also manage to fit in Dungeons And Dragons, dal, Ed’s fiancee burning a Jamaican curry, James names yet more members of semi-obscure British rock band of the early Noughties, Oceansize, and Sam flat out demands that Ed picks a pulse.

This is God’s work, if God is in fact two boyz named TickyOff. Humanity, you are welcome.

This week’s episode is sponsored by an incredible bag of wine from Buy it and drink it. It helps.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP185-THE_GAMBLER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:21am EST

Serious stuff before the nonsense begins….

This Sunday James is running the Hackney Half Marathon along with his brother Will in aid of Bipolar UK, in memory of their uncle George. You can sponsor them at:

The computer has crashed at TickyOff Towers and sadly for you, a vast slab of pork chop based chat has been lost forever. Awful as this is, Sam and James manage to recover from the loss with an even heftier chunk of mouth sounds. James is fed up with London, may have hair plugs and proposed to his wife while watching a somewhat saucy movie. Meanwhile, Sam is concerned about a room service order in ‘Ghostbusters’, has meddled with Ash Nute’s pork chops and steals food from his son’s plate.

Then food writer Rosie Birkett arrives. She is late, but fortunately her tardiness is more than forgiven as she comes bearing a swathe of gifts for the TickyOff Two. Then, this trio of mouths in three skulls get to delivering at a high level on such topics as the music venues of Leeds, the joy of baking sourdough, dining in Mexico and the long list of food related words which get one’s back up.

Also, find out why Rosie was known as ‘Food Perv’, learn her thoughts on Dad Fashion and begin to understand exactly what strange behaviours Sam would get up to if he was ever invited on ‘Saturday Kitchen’.

Finally there is a chilling tale of Rosie’s near demise in the jaws of a giant lizard, also called Rosie. James takes a meal to a blogger and his nan who may or may not be nude, and Sam wears a name badge. Thrilling stuff.

It’s wild, it’s the opposite of mild and it sure does go on for a while. It’s TickyOff, and it’s the very best thing human beings can experience. Clothing might be optional, but safety is always paramount.

This week’s episode is sponsored by great adventurers on both sea and land

Direct download: TKIOF-EP184-EDIBLE_FINGERS_1.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:57am EST

We know that our listeners worldwide come to TickyOff for many things, solace, James’s raw eroticism, Sam’s happy go lucky demeanor, ghost focused discussion. What few are looking for is a working knowledge of human, or animal, biology. That can only be a good thing. Especially in this week’s episode.

Somehow there are foul tear-ducts, talking sausages which may contain the ghosts of deceased pigs, the intelligence of corvids, sharks scaring whales and sheep stuck in blackberry bushes. Oh, and a mechanical spider.

Contributing to this menagerie of nonsense is author and bookshop owner Evie Wyld. She proves that she can communicate words via sounds created in her mouth not just on a page. It’s amazing. She discusses reviews, how she writes, unsuitable books for kids and treating escaped criminals like hedgehogs.

Meanwhile, Sam has stolen some erotic fiction from his mother, had a terrible experience in a highly regarded restaurant and thinks he looks like Harold from ‘Neighbours’. James has been to a theme park, is planning on test driving a Lamborghini and wants to make an Isle Of Wight based remake of ‘The Rock’.

Also, a little trigger warning for any dinner ladies listening in, James says ‘scrotum’ to one of your kind and Evie’s son punches one of your gang full in the face. Apologies in advance. We know that is no way to treat elderly slop-delivery folk but we have to keep it honest on the TickyOff and these things happened. This is real life. Wake up.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Marty McFly and Doc Brown of wine

Please hit us hard with a subscribe, a review, and a follow on Instagram: @tickyoff

Direct download: TKIOF-EP183-JUST_DONT_CRY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:57am EST

When James won his first Oscar for his incredible turn as an aged Bane coming to terms with his saggy body and his life of crime and carnage in Richard Curtis’s wonderful ‘An Old People’s Home Near Watford’, many commented on his stirring acceptance speech. How he dedicated his win to his ‘most incredibly handsome and wise best friend Sam’. How he refused to take the credit for that scene, the one where Bane and Martine McCutcheon make (grey) love on a row boat during a delightful day trip out to Whipsnade Zoo, instead thanking ‘from the bottom of my heart, my sensei of love, Sam’. As honoured listeners to this podcast will know, this was classic James. And there’s plenty more classic James on this week’s episode of The TickyOff.

He’s been playing a weird game in his parent’s garden, delaying his pleasure and styling his hair like Abs from Five. Sam meanwhile doesn’t trust Easter, regularly dresses up like a mummy and wants people to cheer up at funerals, just not while attending his own.

Then Ben Tish arrives like many, not all, but most guests, arrive to TickyOff Towers. Via the door. Ben’s mouth opens and closes, laying eggs of sound all around. His new book ‘Moorish’, the perils of Saturday Kitchen and his early days in cooking with Oliver Peyton, Jason Atherton and Dan Lepard. Other aural oeufs crack wide open and drip sound albumen on his hometown of Skegness, how much he enjoys dressing up like Stevie Nicks and Marcus Wareing acting like a twat.
There’s a lot of these audible eggs and yet somehow there’s also time to ponder on whether or not mountains are worth the hassle, couscous and the trials and tribulations of fast expansion.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the funky jazz sax and slap bass wonders of the world of wine

Category:general -- posted at: 11:54am EST

A number of etchings were recently unearthed in a system of caves many miles beneath the Andean mountain ranges just south of Carlisle, in Peru. At first these strange hieroglyphs baffled the archeologists who had dug them up, with a big digger. They were on the verge of just filling in the big hole they’d dug, with their big digger, and admitting failure. Just in time though someone realised there were two humans who would definitely be able to crack the spooky etching conundrum. Those two human ‘men’? JR and SH, the TKIOF Boyz.
Flown to the site in a very expensive hovercraft, the TickyOff legends quickly deduced that the ancient cave wall vandals had simply written: The Kitchen Is On Fire Is The Best Podcast Ever and Forever. They’d also drawn a big…..element on the wall too. Very immature.
This week’s episode yet again proves the cave-scrapers’s correct. There’s waterpolo, Michel Roux Jr rueing the day, a lot of pie chat and a journey around the entirety of Ripon town centre. James has cooked a weird wellington and may be in line to become a hornblower. Sam will not reveal what he does in his house when his kids are out but he does reveal a tale of a woman with haunted bees in her eye.
Then Owen Barratt from the mighty Monty’s Deli arrives with tales of the toll cooking professionally takes on the body, Kickstarter, beautiful tiles, the wonders of Reading and the joy of pleather.
Owen has also been playing a lot of ‘Farming Simulator’, has some concerns about Thom Yorke and is very much down on lemon thyme.

This week’s episode is sponsored by seventh wonders of the world of wine

Category:general -- posted at: 7:16am EST

This week restaurant critic and food writer Tom Parker Bowles is sat in the hottest of seats upon the mighty TickyOff. Imagine an internally heated saddle on a TickyOff shaped horse, that's the vibe and that's why cowboys wear chaps. Heat dispersion.

Things get off to a Brexit-themed start as Tom talks about Brexit. That doesn’t last long however as he then tells all about tabloid stings, death metal versus bagpipes and firing guns off the back of a flatbed truck in Guadalajara.
Also this week, James has crumbs on his lip, is making kombucha and wasn’t allowed to watch the start of ‘Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves’. We learn that Sam loves grouper, Tom finds dolphins sinister and James makes an incredibly niche indie-rock circa 2003 reference.
And if this episode wasn’t stuffed full enough with fat topics like a pod-based cotechino sausage, there’s also fun at a medieval fayre, a haunted tudor mansion, William Sitwell stealing people’s lines on ‘Masterchef’ and…….Sam and James go to a Smeg showroom.

If that isn’t a mountain based Sly Stallone vehicle with a hell of an opening scene, I don’t know what is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the incredibly gifted archers, whittlers, weavers and wine experts at

Direct download: TKIOF-EP180-FULL_BODY_GOUT.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:16am EST

Recently James and Sam were mildly honoured to be invited to give the commencement speech to the 2019 class at the hallowed Massachusetts Institute Of Technology or MIT as some call it. Gushes of absolutely classic TickyOff mouth sounds were sprayed from the dais directly into the ear openings on the eager students headskulls. It was then the nerdy youngsters chance to be feel truly honoured when they were given the opportunity to offer up some Quickfire questions of their own to James and Sam. Unfortunately the be-robed Ivy Leaguer’s questions were far from the incredible standard required so the TickyOff boys bailed on the entire soiree in disgust. That’s why you haven’t seen any YouTube videos of the shindig alongside other commencement speech classics like the David Foster Wallace one about the fish or the one to Grimsby Polytechnic’s woodworking class of 1976 by turkey legend Bernard Matthews.

Fortunately Sam and James are back from Boston to bring the Quickfire, the Over/Under and the world class audible mouth noises to you, the most loyal and the largest audience in podcasting history.
This week chef and restaurateur Enrique Olvera is here and he’s a stone cold big deal. Pujol in Mexico City rides high on the World’s 50 Best list, Cosme and Atla in NYC are packed and critically acclaimed, he’s got a new book out ‘Tu Casa Mi Casa’ and he knows how to drink large amounts of mezcal without embarrassing himself. Unlike the TickyOff gang.

Enrique offers up a guide to the best restaurants in Mexico City, the five year old mole at Pujol, collaboration, and the pros and cons of a culinary education. There’s also just enough time for the first ever outro to an episode of TKIOF. In this aural appendage, Sam is poor and greedy and James says ‘arena of conflict’. There’s a new chef going great guns at Pidgin and they spill a vast variety of legumes about their upcoming trip to Greece to cook in a haunted monastery.

This week’s episode is sponsored by winged and b’whiskered wine champions of the world

Category:general -- posted at: 7:00am EST

It’s another week, another journey around Jupiter, another wax and wane of Europa, our favourite moon. This intergalactic road trip also provides human beings of Earth with another incredible episode of the TickyOff podcast.
This week James has been roped into cooking bread with a bunch of children, only one of whom is related to him. Sam is ratty about a long, and to be fair somewhat dull, chat about the colour pink in restaurants.
They discuss flashing, ‘Grief Is The Thing With Feathers’, noodles and ‘Us’. Then beer expert and writer Melissa Cole shows up with a cool box full of beer and things improve no end. Melissa rains down chat-honesty like a cloud bank of verbal truth has just blown in from the West…or something.
She tells all about the grim idiocy of (some) in the craft beer world, changing demographics in beer drinking and drops more science than has ever been heard around these here TickyOff parts.
There’s also time for nursery rhymes, the difficulties of recording the sounds of a live hawk, tarot cards and mediums, and Melissa explains the benefits of Sam turning his back on his beloved Budweiser…

This week’s episode is sponsored by the entirely hairless, three fingered, web footed wine experts at

Direct download: TKIOF-EP178-HAMMER_OR_MALLET.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:14am EST

This week on the damn pod things get off to an appalling start. There’s yet more moaning, some wild chat about how to spell the word for a hand-rolled cigarette and Sam wants to know which trees are found in the woodlands of Thailand.
The bar is set so low in these opening exchanges that things can only improve, and they do. In a way.
James has discovered that scientists have reversed time and it somehow involves racist ‘funnyman’ Jim Davidson and also poor John Virgo, whose name it would seem has been sullied by his ‘Big Break’ association with the aforementioned massive racist bellweasel, Davidson.
All of this high minded science chat is then somewhat undercut when Sam again disputes whether black holes exist and asks what they are actually doing at CERN. Sam then offers Brian Cox a sugar cube and the wheels fall off the podcast entirely….
Then journalist, and the man Gloria Hunniford wishes she was if she wanted to be a male consumer affairs legend instead of a female consumer affairs legend, Harry Wallop shows up.
This triumvirate of facially placed mouthholes spew forth on a £15 cup of a coffee, the inefficiencies of cheese, the wonder of Cumbrian Hotpot, the inanity of Quidditch and what it’s like writing for the gawddamn Daily Mail.
Oh and they talk about moths too.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Orion’s Belt of the galaxy of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP177-MEDIEVAL_WARFARE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:55pm EST

Sam begins this week’s episode with a war on science. He disproves ‘The Five Second Rule’. Yes that’s right. A towering pillar of humankind’s understanding of existence itself, is pushed over like a poor quality Jenga player might topple down those funtime wooden blocks.
James is back from Thailand, and he’s in love with the food, the vibe, a man of the woods and with his very own Mongolian donkey.
They also manage to cover people reading showy books in public and Sam gets very ratty with the Renaissance.
Then Mollie Goodfellow arrives and within actual seconds, teachers are getting their comeuppance, Joe Wicks is in Eastenders, Greggggggg Wallace is working out his back muscles and real life people are being met in real life and some people feel uncomfortable about that.
They also blabber on about pasta, private school guilt, the legend of King Arthur and The Sopranos.
And Mollie brings up ghosts. Which James loves.

This week’s episode is sponsored by myths and legends of the world of wine,

Category:general -- posted at: 8:49am EST

This week Sam and James are both incredibly depressed. It’s amazing how despite this, they still open with this much world-beating chat gold to be honest. No one else could deliver chat at this level with black hounds humping at their haunches. No one. That’s why you come here and these guys just turn it on like it’s nothing. Impressive I’m sure you’ll agree.
No other human mouths could spurt kombucha updates, sleeping bag considerations, packing books for a trip in the Arctic based on weight and fake interview confessions, in this manner and at this level. No one.
After an opening like this week’s, only two people could possibly arrive and immediately match the TickyOff Boyz chat diamond for sparkling chat diamond. These two people are Sarit and Itamar from Honey & Co.
This rarely spotted quadruple of mouths go deep on how to and how not to open a restaurant, growing at the right pace, and the benefits of being your own boss. There’s also a whole bunch of truth delivered aurally concerning how to maintain a relationship under the pressures of running a business, they take a swing at French patisserie, might want their neighbour dead and Sam bites his tongue as they go big on the wonders of honey.
All this plus, a harp playing ghost in the bakery and Sarit and Itamar share both the best and worst traits they see in one another which is insanely cute. Which no one has ever, in the entire history of the mighty TickyOff, described any of the content as being.
That was a truly awful sentence to end this blurb with but…you know. The gold is on the pod yeah, it ain’t here. What do you want from me? Wake up.

This week’s podcast is sponsored by amazing wine fella-me-lads and brilliant vodka whippersnappers

Category:general -- posted at: 11:36am EST

Episode one hundred and seventy four comes around only once in a TickyOff lifetime, in that perfect moment between episode one hundred and seventy three and episode one hundred and seventy five. We thought we’d celebrate by opening with some powerful Nandos chat, how bus drivers deal with the bonnets on their own cars having worked in a bonnet-absent world at work and cinematic titan ‘The Human Centipede’.
Oh and before I forget, Sam has interviewed the dude who saw three UFOs a few weeks back!!
This week James’s eyes are absolutely screwed up. He may or may not have been huffing down some doobie smoke offstage mid-pod. Sam has had a tooth out and has been miserable all week. Luckily for you he brings his usual friendly and cheerful demeanor to proceedings. He also brings word of a spooky unexplained canoe in his grandparent’s garden and a spooky unexplained whale in the Amazon.
Then ES Magazine restaurant critic Jimi Famurewa arrives and delivers some strong aural, orally, backed up by (allegedly) stoned James and toothachey Sam.
This triton of babble is plunged deep into your ear canals delivering such topics as Jimi’s journey to his current gig via fanzines, lads mags and Bexleyheath. There’s also the pettiness of school, Nigerian soft drink fueled parties and lots of words about being a decent father.
Somehow they also manage to cover the all out war of restaurant reviewing from both critic and operator manned bunkers.
It’s pretty much the King Tut of podcasts, in that it’s solid gold, and potentially haunted.

This week’s episode is sponsored by ‘The Sopranos’ of wine (minus the criminality and violence and whatnot) and ‘The Wire’ (minus the criminality and violence and whatnot)
of vodka

Direct download: TKIOF-EP174-FATHER_TIME.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:08pm EST

This week on English Country Garden Naturist Patrol, James and Sam discuss inner-thigh chafing, brunching in the buff and what to pack for a naturist's masquerade ball in Ipswich.

Apologies, that's their other pod..Anyway, this week on the TickyOff things get off to a mellow start as James relaxes himself by placing a stress reliever toy somewhere foul. He is also planning on babysitting some yeast. Sam has cooked some Palestinian food, cuts his fingernails in a grim fashion and starts bleating on about shoe horns.

They then move on to weightier topics such as heavy drinking in the hospitality industry, colonic irrigation and Sam's Ma's steak sauce recipe.

Then noted grain peddler Alex Hely-Hutchinson pretty much arrives in the office to add another mouth to the mouth duo that was there mouthing with their mouths prior to her arrival, with her mouth in tow.

The mouth of Alex rambles forth on celeb visitors to her shop (PAUL M'F&^KIN THOMAS ANDERSON!!! Spoiler, wave your tail at the stable door way way behind you), broccolo, grains vs seeds and how to evolve a breakfast led business. James’s mouth erupts with his porridge tekkers. Sam's mouth seems to spurt in all directions as they cover Queen, The Queen and how to maintain the warranty on your Sodastream machine.

And in a final brave stance, as a two fingered salute to all the haters, all the negative nellies, and to The Man, the TickyOff Boyz proclaim that murder.... is bad. Bravery like that deserves a goddamn Nobel prize or at least some Squarespace sponsorship surely?

This week's episode is sponsored by wine nirvana providers and vodka babylon kings

Direct download: TKIOF-EP173-HIGHWAY_TO_HULL.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:28am EST

Another week, another episode of solid gold mouth sounds. The greatest human (or animal) minds throughout time could all get in a room with flowcharts and overhead projectors and abacuses and protractors and whatnot and still not fathom just how it is that James and Sam manage to deliver at this level, with this measure of consistency, this weight of genius ideas and this volume of ghost chat. It’s nothing if not flat out impressive.

We begin with a bunch of egg chat, Paul Danan’s struggle with fame and Sam’s struggle with Greggs steakbakes after his band split up. Then, via a detour into a headless purple mule in Brazil, James reads out a letter from a listener concerning, once again, the grim world of toxic restaurant culture.

Then cookbook author and writer Ella Risbridger arrives and this triumvirate of mouths spray forth on notebooks, board games, Sylvia Plath’s driving license and the rights and wrongs of pickle plates. Ella is learning Hindi, gets some props from Nigella and feels scarecrows are overrated. James considers the fall of Kings Of Leon, collects stranger’s shopping lists and has something very erotic, yet creepy, in a place he calls ‘The Naughty Cupboard’. Meanwhile Sam has stolen four pickles from James, is petrified of chip pan fires and seems to be hiding a secret concerning what he gets up to at night in James’s house.

They go on to discuss mental health struggles, moving on from your old life and whether winning Euromillions would actually make you happy.
Oh, and Ella has to choose between having a beak or having gills and Bane might be mentioned too. To be fair it has been a while since they last talked about their favourite big dude with a funny voice.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Captain Kirks of the planet of wine and the Captain Jean Luc Picards of the galaxy of vodka

Direct download: TKIOF-EP172-_SPIKY_THE_HEDGEHOG.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:43am EST

This week on this thing some people call a podcast, others describe as a legendary chat kerfuffle and one dude called ‘actually the greatest mouth sounds humans can apply to their earholes’ James and Sam are joined by restaurateur Amy Poon.
Now, journey isn’t a word that we here on the TickOff have any interest in throwing around like an aural knockoff version of the grim ‘X-Factor’ but Amy’s journey from a kid growing up in restaurants, to advertising in Tokyo, to a champagne bar in a Singaporean red light district, is an origin tale that deserves the journey word. So there it is, a journey. Make like a fun hiking club, and walk it, with us…aurally…I guess.
Anyway, before Amy shows up there’s more than enough time for James to talk about leeks for a pretty long stretch and wonder on one of the biggest questions humankind has ever grappled with: Just how much is that doggy in the damn window? In other news, Sam is wary of old men and wants to wear a sleeping bag on a plane.
Even though it may well seem like a single episode couldn’t possibly hold more, this one can. The binbag of chat is overflowing, it’s split, it’s dripping chat all over the floor as you carry it to those holes on your skullsides. There’s a friendly ghost named Uncle Chan, there are Amy’s secret Chinatown recs and there may well be the paw of a wolf in your soup. Know this, and act on it people.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Pulitzer Prize winners of wine delivery and the Nobel Prize recipients of vodka making

Direct download: TKIOF-EP171-WOLF_SOUP.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:20am EST

Another week, another episode of the world’s most popular podcast, TickyOff. You are more than welcome. Don’t call us heroes. We’re just everyday folk like you. We have mouths on the front of our heads and via these mouths we make sounds that drip into the holes on the side of your heads. We also have those holes on the sides of our heads but we don’t use them as much as you do. Maybe we should. Who knows? Anyway, let’s just be clear: our mouths, your ears, you’re welcome, we’re awesome. Done.

Sam has toothache and thinks that while naked in a shower he may have seen Nuno Mendes in a black speedo. James is one half of a ‘foodie power couple’, has a mate who lives in a haunted house and tells all about his Sam-less trip to the incredibly dated but seemingly quite wonderful Oslo Court. They ponder on taking TKIOF on the road, The Chicken Bloke, UFOs over Chichester and also get into the recent grim reports from the world of London restaurants.

Then Melissa Hemsley shows up and topics erupt all over the damn place. There’s church chat, Lego babble and porn on public transport….discussion. Melissa reveals her favourite sausage, cries in the Albert Hall and goes to war with squirrels.

These are sounds from three mouths, entering the ears of millions. A shared experience like no other. Wake up yeah? What else is there?

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Leathermen of the world of wine and the Swiss Army Knives of the world of vodka

Direct download: TKIOF-EP170-SASQUATCH.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:38am EST

Do you remember that awesome bit of 'Empire Strikes Back' when Luke Skywalker is on Hoth, the icy ice nightmare of a planet and he's silly cold so he guts a wampa, that big hairy moose-esque fella, and climbs into them hot guts like a saveloy into a Pukka Pie? Well this week on TickyOff, pretty much exactly the same thing happens but instead of Luke Skywalker, it's Jamie Oliver and instead of Hoth, it's Wyoming and instead of a wampa, it's a big horse and instead of being in 'Empire Strikes Back' it's in a dream Sam had once.

Despite that tale for the damn ages there's also somehow time for Prohibition, Bane vs Shia LeBoeuf and haunted pubs. James may be a myth and Sam disappoints his buddy Ash Nute.

Then Anna Jones shows, which rhymes kinda, and things improve no end. There's Gloria Hunniford on Anusol, Gino Dicampo on a beach and the aforementioned Jamie in a horse.

And if that wasn't just about enough, there's igloo chat, tea with Colin from Radiohead and we learn exactly what 'living room balls' are...

This week's episode is sponsored by wine Da Vincis and vodka Van Goghs

Category:general -- posted at: 9:01am EST

Two 'men' known by many as James and Sam get right into some sound noises from within their gullets this week. There's a firm but fair chat about Eater London. There's a dark and spooky chat about a creepy cave and the turnip thief who done doth dwelled there. There's also a sweet and kindly chat about a cute moment between James and his daughter. Oh and there's castratos, dangerous dogs and James in a speedo. Wake up. This is TKIOF and it ain't our first rodeo.

Jeremy Lee is here this week and he basically just erupts with chat over the entire room, our ears, your ears and the ears of the world at large. He's got winter ingredients, tripe tales, Alistair Little/Simon Hopkinson/Rowley Leigh banter, and he explains how the behemoth that is Quo Vadis operates. He also reveals that he once got lost in his own building, wishes he could juggle (?) and LOVES the 'Blade' movies....

Meanwhile, Sam may have taken acid, James says something saucy about Elizabeth David and they ponder on whether saddles for dogs could be a wise business venture to undertake.

This week's episode is sponsored by Ian Botham Fan Club Treasurers and Devon Malcom's social media officers

Direct download: TKIOF-EP168-THE_YELLOW_DOG.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:04am EST

Things that have been shot:

Evel Knievel from a cannon across a canyon

Digital ducks in the old Nintendo game ‘Duck Hunt’.


And something else that’s been shot? The breeze on this week’s wonderful new installment of the lovely podcast known to some as The Kitchen Is On Fire, to many others as TickyOff and to a fair few as Mouth Sounds From Legends.

After a festive season delay due to grim glands and poorly wives James and Sam reconvene at the office to pretty much howitzer the hell out of the damn breeze. Sam’s had a bad Christmas, James has cooked the Christmas food and they check in with the predictions they made for the year just past.
They also find time to discuss the Bros documentary, the creepy items James keeps in his desk box and Sam tries in vain to find out what creepy secret New Year’s resolution James has made. A lot of creepiness going down….

Then Alice Levine shows up dressed like a pilot with some very hot porridge in tow. The steamy oats are put to one side so this thrupple of chat can cover other equally as steamy topics such as recommending porn to your mother, pickled onions, a boot full of béchamel and Dame Emma Thompson.

There’s also hairy eyelids, big soups, the joys of eating club sandwiches in the nude and Alice reveals her new found favourite canned good. A clue, it rhymes with ‘porter mess shunt’. Cryptic, and not as gross as that clue might lead you to believe it is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by 2019’s greatest wine providers and 2019’s most brilliant vodka creators

Direct download: TKIOF-EP167-BATMAN_ON_THE_BOUNCE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:56am EST

Christmas etc. You know the drill. Presents, drunk uncles, wool-based clothing, dry birds, Babycham, an incredible amount of paper based recycling, murders on sitcoms, listening to the music of glam rockers with an uncomfortable feeling that perhaps there are yet more of of these spangly jumpsuited bass playing clowns still to be caught and brought to justice by long running police investigations.....Wow. Everyone loves Christmas, and everyone loves a TKIOF Christmas Special.

The TickyOff Boyz are here to upend a sack full of nonsense into your goddamn meatus acusticus externus. That's right, James and Sam are filling up yer ear canals with a dungheap of festive mouth sounds. This week there is weird heavy metal, there are Icelandic people and there is also Sam making a desperate plea for an old friend to get back in touch with him. Meanwhile, James is distracted by his Apple Watch and they both ponder on what to look for in a swinging partner.

Then, like a man with God's beard but dressed like an old-timey fireman sneaking down a chimney in the dead of night to leave pagan offerings beneath a dying tree in your front room, comedian Jamie Demetriou arrives and Sam and James turn into (drunk) giggling fanboys.

Jamie reveals all about his journey through the world of comedy including the Edinburgh Festival, working with his sister and his series 'Stath Lets Flats'.  He also creates sounds using his vocal cords upon his love for Frank Ocean, his dislike of Morris Dancers and the strange things his father gets up to.

Very similarly to a family-size box of Quality Street there's also the coffee cremes of chat, a lot of shouting about soup, a long winded discussion of anti-stomach ulcer medication and James favourite site for long braised, Aga-based pornography...

This weeks episode is sponsored by the 'Last Christmas''s of wine and the 'Fairytale Of New York''s of vodka


Direct download: TKIOF-EP166-A_STRANGE_PLACE_FOR_BREAD.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:44am EST

The TickyOff Boyz have just had their Christmas party and after all that festive ballyhoo, there’s only one thing for it: Ghost chat. This week there’s a ghost with an eyeball in a proper weird place and a talking pig.

Then Will Beckett from Hawksmoor arrives and these three ‘men’ get into far more than three topics. There’s the Hawksmoor origin story, company culture and tricky expansion. There’s side dishes, opening in NYC and the skill sets that restaurateurs require. That’s right, this week is serious and packs a hefty girth of genuine information. Who’d a thunk it?....

Also though, it is still TickyOff so there’s pretty niche ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ chat, Steven Gerrard and Phil Collins and Will reveals who ClamDad is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Santa Claus of the world of wine and the Father Christmas of the land of vodka

Category:general -- posted at: 1:43pm EST

It’s James’s final sober pod this week but fortunately Sam has gone big at the French House prior to the recording so he’s nicely tipsy for the pair of them. James might be sober but he’s also rocking a severe new haircut, dropping military references all over the shop like some sort of cut-rate Custer and he’s packing an incredible thyme infused gravy technique that will blow yer gawddamn mind….potentially.
Meanwhile, Sam empties out a vast drag-net of whale related facts and makes his wife feel very sick with a grim chilli dog recipe.
Then food writer and Twitter-ruck-starter Jonathan Nunn arrives and this thrice-skulled threesome make audible noises via their three respective mouth-holes upon topics wide ranging, intense and indeed silly. There’s a lot of McDonald’s Happy Land Gang chat. There’s Giles Coren related ballyhoo. There’s the inherent conservatism of the British food media. And there’s also sexy morse code operators and some half-considered thoughts on whether medieval music is any cop whatsoever.

This weeks episode is sponsored by the Sauce Oslo Court of the world of wine, and by the Sauce Robert of the world of vodka,

Direct download: TKIOF-EP164-A_BIG_PURPLE_BLOB1.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:51am EST

A Brief Q and A Regarding Major Facts Of Humanity’s History Upon Planet Earth

Who split the atom? The TickyOff Boyz
Who built the pyramids? J-Razzle and S-Hezzle
Who wrote ‘Candle In The Wind’? Ramsden and Herlihy
Who caught Al Capone? Samuel J Herlihy
Which horse has won more Grand Nationals, Kentucky Derbies and Royal Ascot Ladie’s Days than any other horse? James Clive Gavin Ramsden.

Know this.

Ghostly goings on (again) on the Tickyoff this week as Sam tells the terrifying tale of Mickey, a phone battery eating ghost..oh and he’s also seen a creepy clown in a cornfield. Meanwhile James has bought an Apple Watch and thinks Sam should go and see a therapist.
Then chef, cookbook author, new pub owner and tv star Dan ‘DanDo’ Doherty turns up and turns both barrels of his Knowledge Cannon upon the PidginBoyzzzzzzz. Said cannon fires cannonballs of true facts directly into their dumb faces. These facts concern such matters as running a marathon while dressed as a mouse, gastropubs, the difficulty in recruiting staff and Mary Berry’s (alleged, by Sam) crack habit…
There’s also charcuterie dissing, Day Of The Dead, Sir Bane and they all agree that hot air ballooning is an insanely dumb thing to do.

This weeks episode is sponsored by the Rolls Royce Silver Phantom with silk seats and mad rims of the world of wine, and the Bugatti Veyron with a matt-cammo paintjob and an ejector seat of the world of vodka,

Direct download: TKIOF-EP163-MICKEY_MOUSE_MARATHON.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:00pm EST

This week on The Kitchen Is On Fire there are so many sounds. Many of them are conjured from the mouth holes of three human man beings. These ‘men’ things are named James, Sam and John Maclean.
James has holes in his shoes and is wearing dishonest socks. He cheers himself up by cooking at Magpie in an oversized headband. Sam is also back in a kitchen, his own, and he has somehow decided to start cooking like a cut-rate Escoffier despite his wife’s pleas to stop inflicting gout upon her.
Thank the lord that John Maclean, ex member of The Beta Band and the writer/director of ‘Slow West’ arrives just in time to aurally take control of the situation. He backs up a dump truck filled with knowledge, flicks a lever and upends the lot all over your ears, on your heads. There’s Beta Band origin tales, working with Michael Fassbender, lunching with an aging action hero and Cullen Skink chat.
There’s also just enough time for reminiscing about what fun it is to be in vast debt to a record company, whether or not ‘Shame’ had a big CGI budget to expand Fassbender’s…….fassbender and a deep dive into John’s favourite sausage genres.

This week The Kitchen Is On Fire is sponsored by big wine winners and huge vodka champions

Direct download: TKIOF-EP162-THE_DORITO_WASHER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:33am EST

It never rains but it pours they say. Not true, let me tell you about a little wet thing I like to call, drizzle.
A watched pot never boils they say. Nonsense, I’ve watched loads and they’ve all boiled. Every single one, ever. I rarely do anything but watch pots until they boil. They call me the old pot-watcher.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush they say. I very much doubt that. I put a chaffinch in a solid gold suit of armour encrusted with diamonds, then threw him in a hedge. Meanwhile in my left hand, I’ve had a flea ridden pigeon with one eye and a bald patch on it’s head. If you surveyed a thousand people, I think they’d all say that the fancy-ass bush-bird was worth more than the decrepit grandpa street-pheasant.
What the above clearly illustrates is the need for truth and for facts. You have come to the right place.
This week James and Sam are spreading truth all over your minds as if truth is manure and your ears are a field and their mouths are the nozzle on a giant manure cannon.
Now they have made your mind-soil fertile, they go ahead and sow fact-seeds concerning such matters as Xian Biang Biang Noodles, Thom Yorke’s new record and pushing back boundaries in gymnasiums.
Then food writer, journalist and activist Jack Monroe shows up early (fortunately) and corrals the TickyOff Dumbos into some semblance of order. Jack talks about cooking with tinned ingredients, dream Dorito flavours, and the wonders of grated Spam. Sam wonders why all the recipes have prunes in them. James wonders how he can continue to avoid answering questions in the Quickfire Game in a timely manner. Jack wonders how to be more like Hugh Grant and how many Christmas trees can fit in a single house.
All this, plus: Explaining the concept of tax via the medium of Muller Fruit Corners! The stench of tinsel! A bad Mexican bandito impersonation! and Houdini, The Killer Lovebird!

This week’s episode is sponsored by ‘Fort Boyard’ semi-finalists in 1992: and ‘The Generation Game’ coffee-machine with built-in alarmclock winners from way back in 1988:

Direct download: TKIOF-EP161-HOLY_WOAH.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:30am EST

The TickyOff Boyz are well known across the globe for their searing insight, for their deep seated ability to get to the true crux of many of humanity’s greatest imponderables. Sometimes however, our heroes need to take a step back from the coalface of vast issues and giggle about a rude word for a solid half an hour like a pair of idiotic, immature, school boys. James and Sam regularly skirt close to intellectual perfection, this episode is not one of those instances. Feel free to skip the first thirty minutes if such behavior holes your hull instead of floating yer damn boat.
This week there are toilet flushing ghosts, large babies and some solid biscuit chat. James takes a huge swing, and misses, at this week’s guest and Sam says that seals are like divers with cat faces.
The aforementioned guest this week is food writer and blogger Ed Smith who spurts out information from his mouth opening concerning his two cookbooks, the history of Borough market and his origin story from lawyer to writer.
There’s also the spooky tale of Issac McHale in a bonnet haunting people, mashed potato techniques and James eats a huge number of ginger nut biscuits while in an alcohol-free induced depression.
If I was a foolish fool, I’d say this episode is proper cray cray. But I am not, so I shall not.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the wine warriors at and the vodka gladiators at

Direct download: TKIOF-EP160-A_SURVEY_OF_1000_PEOPLE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:59am EST

'You never give me your money' sang The Beatles. That's also true of this here relationship between you, the listener, and us, The TickyOff Boyzzzz. You never give us your money despite the fact that we give you all this premium mouth-sound based content. Think on that yeah?

Anyway this week Sam and James are babbling all over the place about the Beatles, baklava, Ballymaloe and other topics that do not begin with the letter 'B'. Many of these other topics are raised by this week's guest, Tara Wigley. Tara opens the release valve on a silo full of chat and fills the room with tales of Yotam Ottolenghi's cookbooks, finding your dream job, eating as a family and tricky issues of cultural appropriation.

While surfing this torrent of yap James creates some fake nieces, Sam says a lot of things he doesn't mean, they discuss the Pidgin Cookbook, and the whole William Sitwell 'catastrophe' is flat-out covered.

Finally, there are some very mysterious rubber ducks, the wonder of a man in a nightshirt and Tara reveals all about what is quite possibly the strangest breakfast dish known to humankind. A dish that she prepares and eats, every single day........prepare thyself!

This week's TKIOF is sponsored by our wine buddies and our vodka pals

And finally, the TickyOff is now on Instagram: @tickyoff

Hit us up with a follow and like all our stuff and tell everyone else to like it too please. Come on. We do loads for you. Loads. And it's all brilliant. Every minute = pure solid gold. Ka-bloom!

Direct download: TKIOF-EP159-BUZZ_AND_WOODY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:26am EST

In a land without rules, in a world without the rule of law, on a planet overrun by robots with nothing but mankind's very downfall taking up the entirety of their robotic mental headspace, there's only two dudes with the mouths to make sounds entirely ignoring such topics. Those two 'men' are James and Sam and this week, the holes on the front of their skulls are working overtime upon the following 'subjects':

It's not Sam's birthday.

James has shaved his face.

They went to Lisbon to a bar with a sex shop in it.

Sam disses a beloved chicken guy.

And if all that miracle chat wasn't more than enough, King of Polpo Russell Norman shows up to hurl Venice specific knowledge around as if it is in fact no thing.

How to get recipes from locals, the Polpo origin story, tricky expansion and Russell's opinion of horses is all covered in great depth and detail. There's also time for Russell's sexy coat, saveloy chat and a truly grim sounding fish dish that RN assures the TickyOff Boyz is lush....

This week GUESS who is sponsoring our sorry backsides???

Yep, wine GODS and vodka DEITIES

Direct download: TKIOF-EP158-IMAGINARY_BENIHANA.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:47pm EST

'Verily' they did doth say.....
except I don’t know what 'verily' means and I don’t know who they are. The only 'they' I know is James and Sam off of the Tickyoff.
They don’t say 'verily', they say all these things instead, from those holes up front on their lovely faces.
This week TickyOff HQ smells strongly of kimchi so they leave the window open and then sing ‘Man In The Mirror’ by Mickey Jackson. Fortunately, keen-bean Tess Ward turns up and they get into wellness, influencers, Mental Health Day and Fairtrade. It’s not all big big topics though. James is confused by placentas and gives a perhaps overly detailed description of a video featuring Cristiano Ronaldo. Tess hates mayo, loves bio-gas and knows a lot about biohacking. Sam has been made homeless, wrote two unpublished books and doesn’t like Chris Martin from the band some call IcyFun but others know only as Coldplay.
Who knows how much wonder one pod can hold but somehow there’s also time for Tess’s bar raising stoner food classics, a rye bread heist and the day that Pidgin nearly killed Jon Snow from a show some people call ‘Fun With Posh Chairs’ and others know only as ‘Game Of Thrones’.
Oh excuse me is that the doorbell?
Yes it is. It’s someone coming to tell me how awesome TKIOF is. I know how good it is. Do not bother my doorbell again please. Thank you.

This week's episode is sponsored by vino legends and vodka mentalists

Also go check out the awesome work being done by the wonderful folk at

Direct download: TKIOF-EP157-PINKING_FOR_QUINCES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:25am EST

It's a big week for James in this episode as he visits Coombeshead Farm, is assaulted by a cat and gets dosed with some high strength snus by this week's guest. In Sam news, he has become addicted to doughnuts and become stocky. James believes these two events may be linked....

Eater London editor Adam Coghlan then makes his second appearance upon the TickyOff and they get into Michelin in a big way. Brat, Ikoyi, Phil Howard, diversity, an algorithm to create the perfect inspector. It's a lot, a lot of tire themed restaurant chat.

After that there's just enough time for Chubby Checker chat, yet more borlotti bean chat and Adam to take a big swing at Sir Anthony Hopkins.

Hashtag, chat.

This week is sponsored by wine legends and vodka legends

Direct download: TKIOF-EP156-DEAD_RUBBER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:19am EST

Chef Victor Garvey is back upon the TickyOff this week. He has carried some delicious jamon through the streets of Soho and he’s also carried some noises in his mouth that he releases like Candyman from the movie ‘Candyman’ releases wasps or bees or whatever they were from his mouth. These noises coalesce into topics that you can listen to with those holes in the side of your skulls. Those holes are called ear holes and you should let these sounds enter those holes but do not let wasps or bees enter. That would hurt.
Victor is babbling on about his new venture in Soho, his love for Ironman, and the moves young chefs should, but rarely, make.
There’s also chat about glamorous beans, James looks like Don Trump Junior, Victor looks like someone awful and Sam gets Victor’s name entirely wrong.
Victor spreads some serious paella based knowledge about, James yammers out something about how you collect diamonds or rubies or something and they all get seriously into the biggest of topics, in the midst of the pretty damn big topics I’ve already mentioned: DEATH!!
Death and TKIOF. What the hell else did you expect? Food chat? Jokers.


This week The Tickyoff is sponsored by lords of the dance and also, far more importantly, lord of wine!:

And those friendly neighbourhood vodka based still-jockeys at

Direct download: TKIOF-EP155-VINCENT.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:55pm EST

Listen up people. This episode is not messing around. I mean, James and Sam do mess around briefly at the start to be fair. They babble on about over reacting to bad reviews, and how 'Bob' is regularly the name of gameshow hosts. Sam writes a nice tweet and James plays a great new TKIOF game 'Dead Or Alive'.

So there is that small portion of messing around.

Then Asma Khan arrives and the time for silly business is over.

The origin story herein is a darn epic. Taking in royalty, a fortress, cricket in the streets, the often sad reality for second born daughters and Asma's journey to today as the chef owner of the awesome Darjeeling Express in Soho and now the first chef from Britain featured on Netflix's 'Chef's Table'.

It's maybe a first for episode that's pretty poignant, fascinating and possibly even quite moving...

Though maybe it's not a first and the 'Joey Trib' game regularly gets you all weepy....I dunno.

James and Sam pipe down and listen the hell up. I suggest you do the same.

This week's episode is sponsored by your booze buddies and mine:



Direct download: TKIOF-EP154-SHEDS_OF_THE_DEAD.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:43am EST

You can cast many things. A fishing line. A spell. A perfect replica of your own genitals in molten lead. You can also cast pods. And that ladies and gentlemen is exactly, exactly, what these two chuckleheads James and Sam have gone and done this week. For the one hundred and fifty third time. If that isn't a casting achievement, I have no goddamn idea what is. Wake up!

This week our grim pair wake up next to one another and decide to emit sounds from their mouths during morning time. These audible emissions concern fun topics such as  Jordan Peterson's weird diet, Sam's anniversary party and James's visit to spendy quasi-restaurant Maus.

Sam apologizes for getting a 'Silence of The Lambs' reference wrong last week, James apologizes for being leathered on last week's pod and they both get into a truly wonderful chat concerning how best to dismantle, store and rebuild large structures made of metal. It really is something.

After far too much of this ballyhoo, writer, OG Masterchef winner and founder/owner of Wahaca restaurants, Thomasina Miers arrives in the office and actual sensible, wise and interesting vowels, words and concepts spurt forth.  Tex-Mex food, mezcal, biochemistry and Ballymaloe cookery school are covered. Sam goes to a Taco Bell in Compton LA during the height of early 1990's gang violence. James drinks tequila with Tom Parker Bowles and Thomasina tells her origin story from winning Masterchef to opening Wahaca.

Finally, TickyOff throws a crime shaped bone out there for fans of true crime, deep-dive podcasts like 'Dirty John' and 'Serial' and turns out that there's every chance that Thomasina has utterly destroyed Soho Farmhouse's entire crop of courgettes for next year.....


This week's sponsors are...guess who????

Yeah, it's the vineyard botherers at and the grog hawkers at

Direct download: TKIOF-EP153-THE_COURGETTE_KILLER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:45am EST

Back after their summer break, the dumbo-deux get straight into word sounds from their mouths. These word sounds concern such topics as the evolution of tabloid sex language, The California Raisins and The Who. Sam may be romping with a donkey, James really loves creamy honey and friend of the pod, Moves from Drop, goes on a 'Notting Hill' style walk through Soho.

Then Clerkenwell Boy shows up, cracks open a beer and matters improve as this triple mouthed discussion gang get into the ups and downs of influencing, charity work and why gorgonzola is possibly the best cheese there is. Oh and CB invites Beyonce and Roger Federer round for sushi and negronis....

There's also a real deep dive into the band Foreigner, Korean BBQ, and hugely exciting news about the acoustic set that James is playing at The Hawley Arms next Thursday!

And on a more serious note, to contribute to Cook For Syria as discussed in the episode please go to:

This week's episode is sponsored by the fine people at:


Direct download: TKIOF-EP152-BATMAN_OR_MANBAT_.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:35am EST

It's the final episode before our over-haired pair take an utterly undeserved summer break and instead of doubling down on intelligence and wit, they do their usual and fling ever more nonsense on the pile they've been building for one hundred and fifty episodes so far....

A semi-libelous start involving the pair behind sampling cocaine by a swimming pool rapidly devolves further into wood on a boat, the necks of geese, and chipolata cookery on a beach.

James is/was secretly in love with Gail from 'Corrie', keeps going North and lived in a halfway house. Sam really was a terrible singer, was punished for a good deed on a train and has a really very interesting fact about Roald Dahl to share.

Later there is a very grim and NSFW tale about cottage cheese, some incredibly stupid/spooky chat about ghosts in Yorkshire and something else about the cheese known both here and indeed elsewhere as brie.

Cheese chat, ghost chat, geese chat, this chat caliber equals high. You must be high to listen to this. See you in Autumn people. See you in Autumn........

This episode is sponsored by your friendly neighborhood weapons manufacturer Lockheed Martin.......not really.

This episode is actually sponsored by fun seed and chemical suppliers Monsanto! Wow! Cancer and poisons and whatnot....actually joking again....

Booze professionals and are in fact packing the ad budget this week. Great news.



Direct download: TKIOF-EP151-GHOSTS_AND_GOOSES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:51pm EST

"Knock Knock!"
"Who is there?"
"Tree Beard from ‘Lord Of The Rings’!"
"You just knocked on a slab of your own flesh!"
The door you knocked on is made of wood, like you!
"I didn’t think about that."
"Wake up Treebeard and smell the wood you big……tree!"

If TickyOff was a tree, it would be a big knobbly number, a tree of many rings, a fair amount of root rot, maybe a creepy owl in a hole and no doubt packing some serious fungus about the midriff.
The above is a tree related way to say that TKIOF is one hundred and fifty years old!! If by years you mean episodes.
James and Sam look back, look forward and look around dumbfounded as they consider the usual array of vast topics.
This week James feels guilty, wonders if he’s fake or real and also ponders whether or not he’s a warmonger. Sam is concerned his memory is failing him at every turn, goes camping in a gale and meets his great uncle’s best mate in a cemetery.
There’s also time for Dead Man’s Charcoal, a Love Island press release, and some cacio e pepe chat.
As things head towards the end, Sam reveals that this is in fact his final ever appearance on TKIOF, James weeps tears of salad cream as he ‘completes’ and as the dust settles, they wonder on one of life’s greatest imponderables: Is massage actually any good?

Direct download: TKIOF-EP150-SALAD_CREAM_TEARS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:03am EST

This is a podcast. It is sounds in your ears. This is what this is. Nothing more, plenty less....

Check these newsworthy events out! James has been swimming this week, whilst looking like Pablo Escobar. Sam has been concerned that events in his life may be linked by more than mere coincidence. Together they've been to Brigadiers for dinner, James told a mayo based lie and Sam experienced a last minute baked alaska situation.

Then actor James Norton bowls in and topics get serious.

James N discusses Harvey Weinstein, Craig David, sex scenes and battery powered thermals. James R counters with some rock solid topics of his own such as the time he got mugged twice in Russia, on the same night. Sam H joins in the chat-attack with the TKIOF boyz failed audition for 'Call Me By Your Name' , summer penises and depression cheeseburgers.

There's also somehow time to note that Peter Sarsgaard is an absolute legend, George Harrison's house is properly mental and James Norton's family home came complete with a creepy as all hell, full size, waxwork of a seventy year old woman.....

This is TickyOff, you are human people with human ears, we are human people with human mouths making sounds.

This week's episode is sponsored by and


Direct download: TKIOF-EP149-MY_IDYLLIC_MANHUNT.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:34am EST

I’ll level with you, this episode is very much a game of two halves, a yin and a yang, an MJ and McCartney groove….and that weirdly quasi racist slow jam is not a bad reference because this week Sam and James are joined by food writer Lizzie Mabbott to discuss racism in the world of food, with particular reference to the grim events of the last few weeks in a particular London restaurant. Go look on Twitter for #somsaashitshow if you want to get the grim backstory to the entire grim mess. Grim. Gr meet im.
However, TickyOff can not and will not be cowed and bowed by racists and hatred, there’s important work to be done here! We have local soup chat to get though. We have vagina naming chats, pasta shape yaps and Thom Yorke’s kids discussions.
James reveals Dr Oetker’s son’s name, Sam gathers wood and gets furious with Sir Jony/Joni/Johnny Ive. Lizzie talks stiff membranes and having a scotch egg for an eye.
Yeah, there’s still classic TKIOF vibes aplenty, but sometimes it’s worth getting into a serious topic like this. It sucks it’s in our industry, it sucks we have to spend an episode talking about it but it is and we do, so we did.
So, balls to dumb racists, cheers to awesome Lizzie Mabbott and hopefully next week we can devote 100% of the episode to real big topics, like soup, and dead people’s chairs and mayonnaise.

This week is sponsored by
I love them, you probably would too if you met them.

Direct download: TKIOF148-BRENDAS_END_1.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:08am EST

This week upon Thee Most Holy TickyOff, James and Samuel are straight up joined by the mighty Ed Harcourt up in the office. Ed babbles up a storm on New Orleans, falling into a pit of spiders, his move to the countryside and Graham Coxon's nickname for him. Ed is  also producing sounds from his mouth about chopping wood, his drug related kryptonite and how to stay creative when you have kids.

How's this for a spoiler?....Prior to Mr Harcourt's arrival James and Sam correctly predict the England result and incorrectly predict the Federer result. Wow meet zer.

These two buffoons then get into sausage rolls, the 'Unexplained' podcast, cooking fish in fields and Richard Dawkins' ghost.

Once Ed shows, there's also time for Danny Dyer's perfect comedy timing, an udder on the back of a head, lentils, and gumbo.

Also, one more spoiler for your spoilt selves, this one via a funtime quiz....Ed's great aunt was:

1. A beluga whale

2. Elizabeth David

3. Frida Kahlo

4. Really annoying

5. A half human half turkey hybrid

6. A figment of Ed's imagination

The answer is......TWO!!!! IS THIS TRUE?!?!? Yeah. He talks about it on this podcast. OH MY F&CKING GOD!! REALLY?!?!? Yeah. Chill out yeah? Calm down and listen to the mouthsounds in yer ear tunnels.

This episode is sponsored by

How'd you like them apples grapes?

Direct download: TKIOF-EP147-THE_RURAL_CLOWN.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:48am EST

Wake up and smell the word noises dribbling from human mouth parts!

James opens up like a clam of chat to discuss his beard line, his rogue mother-in-law and his discovery of a single grey hair somewhere strange.

Sam gushes human language sounds like a methane vent on a buried landfill site concerning such wondertopics as suicide hotspots, dawn walks and Paul Rudd.

Then Oisin Rogers, esteemed man about town and landlord of one of London's finest boozers shows up and things take a turn for the educational. How to hire the right people, the wonders of a proper lunch, Otto's restaurant in Kings Cross and Dublin bus routes.

There is also talk of a horse whisperer, a couple of listener emails, ghosts doing graffiti and we learn exactly what Osh's "Diddle" is.....

This podcast right here in yer ears is sponsored by the wonderful wine pedlars:

Category:general -- posted at: 9:02am EST

Okay, think about big things.....what are you picturing? Mountains? Elephants? KFC Megabuckets? Sam's face? Do you know what is bigger than all of those things? Far bigger. This damn episode. This episode is a vast and impressive thing. Heft? It's got it. Expanse? Of course. Girth?....there can be no doubt about it.

Like* a dumb podcast version of an Icelandic saga we begin with a refurb at Pidgin and Sam looking at James in an odd fashion. You also hear about a delightful seafood-based and Thai-influenced barbeque that James cooked. Wowzer.

*unlike it in any way whatsoever.

Then things take a turn in a classic TKIOF direction when they start blathering on about seeing adult film stars at Au Pied De Cochon Sugar Shack, reel off some solid soup chat and also provide the world with quite possibly the greatest gravy technique of all time.

After all that 'excitement', thank God for a gift from the heavens, Dolly Alderton turns up and immediately makes a big impact on our gruesome twosome by dishing on recording her audiobook, her experiences with the readership of the Sunday Times and reveals that Dolly is in fact NOT HER REAL NAME!! Gadzooks!!

This triangular chat arrangement then goes on to discuss why Dolly wrote her book, funeral songs, 'Made In Chelsea' and bad reviews.

James reveals his deep love for SnakeBoards, Sam eats a melancholy prawn sandwich and they reveal the origins of the world's greatest ever insult: HORSE!

Oh and also, Dolly admits she did something truly awful a few days ago....cliff meet hanger.....

All in all, we had a lovely time,  and we hope you do too when you spray it in your ears. Liquid chat to bathe yer brain in, like a footspa for your a way.

This week's episode is sponsored by your booze-delivering friends and ours:

Category:general -- posted at: 12:25pm EST

I told you normal dum dum service would be resumed this week....

James is back from Italy and feeling heavy. Sam urinates all over the floor following a run in with a stern nurse. Whilst in Italy James cooked a fish from the River Nile and placed his trust in a wise butcher. Sam watched 'Notting Hill' and decided it was a film about people needing to....go.

After this nonsense-babble our heroic podchimps get serious, and seriously sad to pay their respects to one of their own heroes Anthony Bourdain, following his recent passing.

Praise be to Lizzy Barber who shows up to talk about her role at Hache, Cabana and Hush restaurants as Creative Director. Lizzy provides information aurally on such topics as people being unfair to chains, her hatred of fried dough and an awful meal in Atelier Crenn.

There's also words and sounds from human mouths concerning the World's Fifty Best Restaurant awards, the sneakiness of salt cod, an email from a listener and what colour clothes you should wear in hot weather.

This week's episode is sponsored by wine peddler's to the stars and to you if you are a wise wine drinking app user....

Direct download: TKIOF-EP144-MONKEY_HANDS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:51am EST

Right, listen up. There isn't any of the usual nonsense from Ramsden and Herlihy this week. There's no cav nero, no bad parenting and no twee "Ooooohhh Jamesey, what did you cwook this weekend?". Sam isn't going to be telling no tales about some windy walking dumbassery he's been up to and James isn't going to be babbling on about yet another bloody wedding he's been dancing at. Wake up people! There is NONE OF THAT CAPER ROUND HERE THIS WEEK! NONE!

Instead, this week Sam and James sit back, hungover, and are roundly steamrollered by Matt Chatfield who has a lot to say on some flat-out BIG topics.

Brexit? Of course. The future of Cornish farming? A gallon. Vegans? A  lake full. The left wing bias of London food media? Ladies and sirs I give you a deep and spooky well of that chat.

Matt comes out swinging at many a target while James dutifully takes notes for him and Sam only manages to babble out something about a bear kissing a dog and to point out the fascinating set up of a woodpecker's tongue.

Normal wacky-ass service will be resumed next week but for now allow your ears an aural feeding of provocative but damn interesting thoughts and theories from a man who believes he can see the future of this crappy country of ours....

This weeks serious episode is sponsored by the serious-about-wine dudes at

Direct download: TKIOF-EP143-BIG_TOPICS_1.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:20am EST

"I've got the key, I've got the secret" someone sang on a terrible song a while ago. If the key and the secret is actually episode one hundred and forty two of TickyOff then YOU now have said key and said secret and you have these aforementioned items without that garbage song puking in yer ears....anyway...

Food journalist and baby faced drinker James Hansen is here and the topics are deep. We're talking canned tuna, a deep dive into the world of coffee, cakes made of gravy and working in a theatre.

Before Hansen shows, James and Sam babble on about their office night out, their gardening exploits outside Magpie and the wonders of the mighty restaurant Ciao Bella.

Sam sees a Native American on the tube platform and Ottolenghi on a bike and Margot phones in to try and get our wonderful hosts to go boozing with her.

There's all that nonsense plus a bumper Quickfire and a hefty dose of Over/Underrated.

We really hope you like this podcast. We have love for you. In a way.


This weeks episode is sponsored by the mad booze loonies at and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP142-FLASHER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:42am EST

Crumbs. It's actually here. That's right. Episode 141 is here. What a number! What a number of episodes to have achieved. It's also World Otter Day at TKIOF Towers. Scenes. Real big scenes....

Sam gets GapShamed and has a whistling nose. James is on odd, pretty drunk form having fallen asleep on the tube, watched 'Patrick Melrose' in the wrong order and done a super funny joke on Islay.

Praise be to Anna Sulan Masing who appears just in time to throw down on some flat out weighty topics such as The Tomorrow Project, #metoo coming to the UK restaurant scene and whether or not tokenism can be useful.

However, this is TickyOff and seriousness cannot reign forever. Soon Sam is dying on a hill made of penises, James keeps making really woeful jokes and Anna goes deep on Guns and Roses, New Zealand 'Bogans' and the benefits of taking magic mushrooms.

This episode, like all episodes that have come before it, raises a vast number of questions but you should know up front that only one question really matters.....what does your heart smell like?

Wow. That's a deep one. Listen along with this triangle of chatting humans and you'll understand....scenes...real scenes...


This week’s episode is sponsored by and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP141-ANNE_FRANK_ON_THE_FACE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:14am EST

Look out! Episode 140 is about and by about I don't mean 'hanging around, just kind of blending in to the background and minding it's own business'. I mean ABOUT!  This episode is staggering around like a drunk fool on a packed tube train. Up in your face! Stinking of booze! And crisps! And whatnot!

This week James is ratty and has run a half marathon while Sam may be wearing racist trainers and hasn't seen 'The Lion King".

There are question marks over how much human remains and/or dog urine we lie in when we lie in parks, the differences between skirt/flank/bavette steak and whether or not James showered with food writer George Reynolds.

Thank whatever god (or goddess!) you worship that chef-owner of Nanban in Brixton, cookbook author and Masterchef winner Tim Anderson arrives to up the knowledge, wit and entertainment level.

The mouth-count is up by a third and these three mouths begin with some solid Matrix, Marvel and Star Wars chat before moving into the myths of MSG, recruiting restaurant staff and the wonders of Tim's home state, Wisconsin.

Also legendary TickyOff game 'Who Eats What' is back! No lie! 'Who Eats What?' is back! B to the A to the C to the goddamn K. Back baby! Imagine that. You don't have to imagine that 'Who Eats What?' is back, because it's actually back, and here, on this weeks podcast.

Please refrain from blowing your brains out all over the dashboard of your car at this news. We appreciate life can only go downhill from here but you may as well keep going. You never know, 'Who Eats What?' might be back another week. Who knows? I do not.


Direct download: TKIOF-EP140-THE_BUTCHER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:17am EST

First up, why in all hell did Nosferatu have long fingers?

Secondly, what actually is missionary work?

Huge questions posed this week by medium sized men, both in brain size and in bodily...bulk.

Amidst the usual TKIOF ballyhoo there is genuine drama this week as Sam's wife takes a break from buying garbage on Gumtree to save a choking child, James has zero service at a beloved London restaurant and this week's guest reveals exactly what happens when you defrost a mouse in a microwave.

Said guest is the delightful self confessed 'breeder' and wine expert Joe Fattorini who basically drives up in a tanker truck full of knowledge and unscrews the rear valve, sending a spume of wine based facts arcing into the sky and directly into James and Sam's faces, ears and if we're being totally honest, their mouths. It's an aural sight to be seen/heard...I've confused myself.

Furthermore, Jame's wife hangs out on a beach with Benny Cumberbatch, Sam is amazed by James and Joe's pope knowledge and Joe puts a dent in a 10 million dollar roof with a drone.

It's a TKIOF, and you know EXACTLY, what that means.

Pull 'em up and put it on.

Wazzzzzzup etc.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP139-THE_PRATFALL_EFFECT.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:51am EST

James and Sam are this week joined, via human contact within the same room on a little place I like to call Planet Earth, by another homo sapiens type creature. This one goes by many names but for the purposes of this podcast we shall know him by his actual name, Chris Stark!

Chris dishes many tonnes of dirt on life at Radio One, studying politics, his infamous Mila Kunis interview and his new found love for cooking.

Before that, James continues to lower the bar when it comes to parenting ability, gets aggy with his wife and watches a really fun movie film.

Meanwhile Sam just can't stop walking down a foul alley, his wife just can't stop buying trash on Gumtree and his son just can't stop doing something obscene while listening to 'Rattlesnake' by King Gizzard And The Lizard Wizard.

Wow meet zer! It really is a podcast of a rare vintage. Hear it, in your mind. Via, as ever, your ears. Or someone else's. Your call.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP138-MUTTON_PELLETS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:14am EST

It's duo week on TKIOF in that there are only two people mouthspeaking. Those two people are James and Sam. You know them. You like them very much.

You'll also like hearing them breathing in air and spewing out wise thoughts and unwise idiocy. Examples this week include Sam telling a Spanish lady his name is Elias, James cooking a turbot on Jersey and the pair of them being very unsure as to how radar works.

Sam has taken a liking to Sundays, James plays hardball with a gym membership renewal. There's yet more Brat-Chat and they both take Jay Rayner to task for leaving flaming dogdirt on someone's front door step....

Also, canalside vikings, a parmesan storm, James's son swearing and Sam thinks, once more, he's about to die.

This week's episode is sponsored by the friendly booze hounds at and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP137-NUGGET_OF_NECESSITY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:54am EST

Wames Wamsden and Wam Werlihy begin this weeks waffle with many words (once again) upon one of their favourite topics, the films and general vibe of Christopher Nolan.

Keeping it filmic they go on to talk nonsense about Bladerunner and talk respectfully about the passing of director Milos Forman.

They discuss their recent evening cooking at Magpie, James tries to convince Sam that the Earth is flat and Sam tries to convince James that coffins can move of their own spooky accord, in a crypt, in Barbados.

Thankfully esteemed food writer and author Olia Hercules shows up and things take a turn for the wiser and far more informative. Olia schools the TKIOF Posse on growing up in the Soviet Union, blue fenugreek and basically upturns a stockpot full of hot and steaming cookery knowledge over their heads.

Olia and James share an allergy, Sam is still conflicted about eating octopus and James leaves his son with strangers in a canal-side cafe.

All this plus, Ukrainian summer kitchens, Kiev restaurant recommendations and a deep dive on some weapons grade borscht technique.

It's borderline classic TickyOff. It's noises made by humans via their mouths on their faces and then into your ears on your heads. Or wherever else you keep you ears. That's up to you.

This week's episode is sponsored by and

Category:general -- posted at: 6:13am EST

This week James and Sam are joined by beloved cookbook author and all knowing cookery sage Diana Henry. This three-mouthed babble machine trades chat based blows about pizza ovens, River Cottage and The Sportsman. Diana spills the beans on her trip to White Rabbit restaurant in Moscow and Sam and James dish on how they come up with dishes at Pidgin. See? They dish on dishes. Wonderful.

Furthermore, James says broadcast again and they all discuss the language of food, Gabrielle Hamilton and Ruby Tandoh.

Before Diana shows up James visits Sardine to eat a veal shin, Sam explains why he wears a condom on aeroplanes and this most deadly of duos reveal the mysteries and wonder of a little something they like to call Broc-O-Clock.

It's not complicated, it's TKIOF goddamnit. Enjoy this sound within your ears.

Wake up.

This weeks episode is sponsored by and

Category:general -- posted at: 7:54am EST

Rejoice all those who hate Sam and his awful nasal voice. his microphone broke halfway through the recording. The good news is he’s a lot quieter than normal, the bad is that in order to get him even somewhat audible the sound quality is not perfect. Humble apologies, hopefully it won’t affect your enjoyment too much, a few sound issues are a small price to pay to hear this week’s guest….

It’s episode one hundred and thirty four and Deputy Editor of @qmagazine Niall Doherty is here. Before he shows up James and Sam trade sounds from their mouths on a wide variety of topics such as the wedding Sam just went to, Adam Coghlan’s cap, Chick Fil A and a German cannibal. Sam sees a Steve Bannon lookalike, James rode a horse and ate many many cashew nuts.

After that glittering yap performance Niall schools the TKIOF BozoPatrol on nosebleeds, airport boozing and his deep seated love for Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam. Namedropping like a cloud drops….rain…Niall eats stew with Sting, stew with Shaggy, chilli with Josh Homme and hangs out in a number of chain restaurants with Liam Gallagher.
There’s also time for a QuickFire, a somewhat serious discussion on people being mean and Niall reveals that when Sam was in a band, he was pretty much a twat.

The sound may not be perfect this week but do you know what is perfect? The classic TKIOF vibe is perfect. What more could anyone listening to TKIOF ask for?

This week’s episode is sponsored by and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP134-SHAGGY_AND_THE_STEW.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:59am EST

Welcome all to episode one hundred and thirty three of what many people call their absolute favourite thing in their entire lives, TKIOF.
This one is the very opposite of short, in that it’s long. However, unlike massive snakes, this is long for a reason. The TickyOff Boyz are joined this week by Adam Coghlan, editor of Eater London, natty dresser and would be flaneur.
Before he shows, James and Sam discuss Harold Shipman, Sixpence None The Richer and Calabrian sausage lahmacun. James lets rip with a splendid custard technique while Sam matches said splendid technique with his splendid marinara sauce technique. Splendid.
Once Adam arrives, this be-mouthed threesome combine forces like a chat based version of the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers. This triple mouthed headed chatbeast get into bread, Rosio Sanchez, The Cornwall Project and the golden age of London restaurant chefs. They yap it up on new London restaurants Brat and Hide and Adam bemoans the lack of a truly perfect taco. Sam threatens to drive his 1997 Toyota Yaris into a swanky car lift, James does a weird ad for a cat killing podcast and Adam hits you all in the face with his London restaurant recommendations.
Wow people. It really is something. It really is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP133-SPORTY_CHAPS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:45am EST

The tension is high, the tide is high, Sam and James may be high. Anyway Adam from Eater is once more running scared (until next week anyway) so Victor Garvey of Rambla restaurant fame steps in to yap it up with the TKIOF-Bozo-Corps upon such topics as Noma, El Bulli, fizzy sangria, paella and the price of snails.

Prior to Victor's arrival, James tells all about a delightful time he once had and also visits new Shoreditch restaurant, Leeroy, where he is defeated by a giant gland. Sam says some stuff too, most of it jelly themed for some unfathomable reason.

Do you know what this is? Yes, you do. It is classic, absolute classic Ticky-Off. Know this and tell others of this. Also like and subscribe or else Victor will give you a dead arm.

This week's episode is sponsored by the fine folk at and the equally wondrous gang at

Direct download: TKIOF-EP132-MESSING_WITH_THE_FABRIC.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:34am EST

"Are you going to Scarborough Fair?" they sang. No we are not, we are going to a kitchen that just so happens to be on fire. Also, just FYI, we are not keen on twee folk music and thyme can be an overpowering herb.

This week The Boardroom has been left behind for a new spot in The Office. Sam has cooked some braciole while James's Dad cooked a foul soup. James himself drove North with no quarter given to the MiniBeast From The East, all to eat the aforementioned grim soupy treat.

Some policemen waved at Sam's son, James buys wasabi peas, Bill Hader has a nasal voice and James plays a QuickFire.

Things take a turn for the better when MiMi Aye, author of the book "NOODLE!", shows up to school the TKIOF-Boyz on Burmese food, 'Masterchef' and culturally dumb food brand stupidity.

There's the usual sparring of great intellects, the usual belly laughs and wonderful chortles, but this week, praise be to MiMi, there's also a huge amount of knowledge spraying all over your ears like a student Ear-Nose-And-Throat doctor has let loose with some sort of knowledge based ear ointment cannon.

This week's episode is sponsored by and

Category:general -- posted at: 11:16am EST

Things get meaty, things get beaty, things gets big and you are damn right that things get bouncy this week when Tim Hayward (The Financial Times, Fitzbillies, books, beards etc) shows up to start spewing chat all over The Boardroom like a busted fire hydrant of food based words and sentences.

There's dirty car chat. There is accountancy chat. James has a big night out and test drives a Volvo. Sam puts food focused magazines out of business and Tim gets pretty much obscenely over-erotic in the business-time based Boardroom.

All be honest they are all quite serious, quite food oriented and they put them lolz to one side to chew the industry based fat for once...Reservations! Business rates! What it takes! Creative processes!


Category:general -- posted at: 5:21am EST

This week the TKIOF bozos make like the Andrex puppy, they go long...and strong.

Yes it's a hefty old pod but worry not! This week George Reynolds makes his second appearance and is soon babbling all brook-like about hefty Alpine cuisine, Sabor, and The Araki.

James is putting his fingers in a lamb's mouth, pining for Phillip Seymour Hoffman and getting deep into sexual awakenings.

Sam googled Barron Trump, got bitten by his Nan and is on the hunt for an Irish passport.

If that wasn't more than enough of a gutful of chat, they've left The Garret, the computer keeps crashing, there's a listener in Afghanistan and they discuss the horrific live TKIOF that was attempted many moons ago....

Finally, James wonders why the TKIOF Gang never got their due as pretty much the entire reason that super successful podcast behemoth 'My Dad Wrote A Porno' exists upon this planet some call Earth, others call Gaia and Sam calls Big Blue Ball....

Know this!


This episode is brought to you by the letter 'Z' and is sponsored by and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP129-MICHAEL_JACKSON.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:12am EST

Back in The Garret, back in the saddle, back in the habit, back to the future, backs to the wall etc.

James and Sam hit up the big topics like an astonishing cross between Question Time and the first day of nursery school. Finger paints? We got 'em. A long discussion of childhood dentistry? No doubt. Someone's wet themselves? It's highly likely.

Anyway this week there's a whole lot of spooky topics wafting around, from scarecrows to people mysteriously going up in flames. James's Dad can communicate via a series of beeps while Sam's Dad has a curious cupboard who's contents are unknown to anyone but himself.

Sam visits a personal trainer and James holds a dead man's hand in a cinema. It's unclear why.

Classic GarretYapping of a 2018 vintage. Drink in the chat, like bad wine, that gets you drunk but gives you the mad hangover.

This episode is sponsored by and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP128-MYTHS_AND_LEGENDS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:55am EST

My my my, it's a podcast. Imagine that! Except you don't need to imagine it because it's here. Right here! Right now! Like a bad song by The Farm. Or was in Inspiral Carpets? Who knows, or indeed cares.

Anyway, Jamsey and Samsey are yapping up a storm about gentrification, Nazis and Gary Lineker. The sad end of comedy duos? Covered. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? No doubt. Toothache? Oh yes indeedy do.

There's also egg chat, James's kids and some deep thoughts about how one would wish to be executed.


Direct download: TKIOF-EP127-DO_YOU_EVEN_LIKE_EGGS_.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:39pm EST

Jamesssss and Samsssss are up in The Garret and Sam's bride Abbie makes her debut upon the Ticky-Off. She's lovely, Sam is less so and James is James. You know, eating vegan, talking about it lots, breaking his nose lots, loving systems lots.

'Groundhog Day' creepy but liked 'Phantom Thread'. Sam is once more haunted by Davy Jones' Locker and they are both sad that Johann Johannsson has died.

Sam takes a swing at Claude Bosi, Sat Bains and The Beastie Boys and James considers the wonder that is his own brother, Will.

Somehow Abbie manages to stay awake through two of the most boring stories ever told on this, or any other podcast. It's like 'Serial:Season 2' up in this joint. Except instead of a soldier going AWOL, there's a pair of ill fitting boots and instead of a man barely surviving torture and imprisonment, there's a man who can't convince his wife to use a laundry basket.

Try it for yerself, see if you can stay awake! It'll be fun. In a way.


Category:general -- posted at: 8:25am EST

It's episode one hundred and twenty five which means only one thing: it's the episode after episode one hundred and twenty four!

Start with a cliffhanger like that and there's only one way to go, down. Down like a dated Chilean miner reference.

The dumb dumb club are back in The Garret working on scripts for their debut sitcom 'Castlemania', discussing chem-sex and 'The Fugitive'. Sam cooked some meatballs, James over cooked a hunk of meat. There's a strange mix up between Richard Pryor and Peter Kay and a foul chocolate ice cream pronunciation.

An actor is very showy in public with his copy of 'Infinite Jest' and is firmly taken to task. James learns about Don Quixote and Sam finally learns, many years too late, where the Olympics were held.

There's also exciting news about something that's upcoming next's episode one hundred and twenty six!!!

Two cliffhangers in one blurb? Yr welcome Chuckles!

Direct download: TKIOF-EP125-CASTLEMANIA.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:04am EST

Two men things, Samuel and Jamesuel have flown The Garret and are instead holed up in the pretty swank surroundings of the private dining room at The Coach. They are joined this week by the mighty Matt Bright, who's partner/wife/person has birthed a human child in the recent past. Cowabunga! Human life!

Chef of The Coach Henry Harris drops by to school this triple-dummy team on his new menu, sausages made of guts and a fiendish pub quiz involving biscuit crumbs.

Elsewhere James goes to hospital, Sam gets bribed and Matt is banging on about containers again.

There's JoeyTrib, there's Hull chat and there's a dim memory of a woman sucking a toe or two.

It's live, it's TKIOF, it's stupid.


Category:general -- posted at: 3:48am EST

Funky purple dead person Prince once sang, in his hit single 'Get Off', about enjoying 23 positions in a one night stand. In this hit podcast ,'TKIOF', James and Sam provide at least 23 chat based positions. Wow, sensual and educational.

This week James returns to The Garret after a holiday in Sri Lanka where he blew out some friendly folk, rolled around in a TukTuk, swam in a green pool and had a run in with a runner.

In James's absence Sam has finally learned what 'natch' means, attacked a cat with a lightsaber and has been eating far too many boiled eggs.

They discuss bands ripping off other bands, widows and pornography and there's an update on Dead Man's Shoes.

What a lovely listen it all is. James and Sam truly hope you enjoy every wonderful moment.

This episode is sponsored by and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP123-ITS_A_SHAME_ABOUT_JAMES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:31am EST

Our favourite two silly billies are back in The Garret and back on the chatbike, pedalling hard up a verdant hillside of....topics.

This week they lay out their predictions for the year, involving celebrity deaths, cocaine scandals, and flapjack consumption.

James makes a weird sauce, Sam survives a powercut in Waitrose and they nearly come to blows over how healthy one's life should be. In other yap wonders, they try and think of ten famous Belgians, consider whether George Reynolds will lose his virginity this year and they learn about Sam's father-in-law's penchant for wearing the shoes of dead men....

A note on this week's episode:

The bleeps previously used to represent George Reynolds, now do not. New Year, new TKIOF, he has earned the right for us to utter his name again. The bleeps now represent the names of people we may or may not be slandering....

This week's episode is sponsored by and

Direct download: TKIOF-EP122-DEAD_MANS_SHOES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:18am EST

Is this the end for one of these two idiots? Does the hairy monster one die? Tune in and find out.

James and Sam are still banging on about New Year. They are also pondering on maintaining some childlike wonder, Hassidic Jews at Chinese buffets and gummy potatoes. James has begun the new year smug, Sam has begun it by quitting nicotine. James's mother throws out a perfectly good DVD player, or does she???? Sam ate a mini pie in a supermarket with his brother, or did he????

She didn't, he did. Classic TKIOF good times right there.

I love you.


Direct download: TKIOF-EP121-SAM20DIES.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:11am EST

Stuff is talked about. There is an audio glitch thirty five minutes in. They do not know what The Rock is cooking. James fears intruders. Sam spent the day at Magpie. They talk a lot about films. Wow. This was fun.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP120-20BANE20IN20A20PLANE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:22am EST