The Kitchen Is On Fire

This is the New Year’s Eve special 2019. This is an episode with no intro. This is an episode in which Sam and James spray aural mouth noise around with a) abandon and b) Richard Corrigan of Bentley’s, Corrigan’s and his newest restaurant, Daffodil Mulligan.

Richard talks about opening in Shoreditch versus Mayfair, spoken word and traditional folk music, laziness in success, why he rides a flowery yellow moped and his love for young Dublin punk legends Fontaines DC.

There’s also room for Riverdance Disco, Sam plays pool with Coldplay, James has a terrifying lunch with Rowley Leigh, why real oystermen don’t eat oysters and Richard reveals his favourite pub in the world.

Finally, respects are paid to the much missed Gary Rhodes and Richard shares his tips for a proper NYE. The main takeaway being you should probably just go to Corrigan's Mayfair.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Jools Hollands of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP212-NEW_YEARS_EVE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:33am EDT

For the 2019 TickyOff Christmas Special Sam and James have lunch with two absolute heroes; Fergus Henderson and Trevor Gulliver.
Said lunch takes place at St John.
For twenty five years, it is said that Fergus ‘puts it on the plate’ and Trevor ‘puts it in the glass’ at St John.
Since before time began, The TickyOff Boyz have been said to ‘put it on the pod’.
So a recording of the lunch has flat-out been put….on the pod.

Great quantities of wine are drunk, greater quantities of food are eaten.
However, the substance in greatest supply during this feast, is chat. Solid gold festive chat.

Is that angels singing? No, it’s Fergus and Trevor’s origin story involving hotdogs at a dog track.
Is that the sound of jingle bells….jingling? Nah, that’s Lee Tiernan yap, AA Gill discussion and Jonathan Gold babble.
Ah, the gentle pop of chestnuts roasting on an open fire! Alas no, your ears deceive you, that’s James eating snails, Sam’s cat dying during recording and Fergus teaching the correct irrigation technique for Worcestershire sauce on a rarebit.

Other Christmas miracles on aural display include Paul Bocuse’s ever growing toque, stuffing as a Christmas lunch prep jazz moment, ‘Master And Commander’ and the serenity of bread sauce.

The TickyOff Boyz were and remain, very honoured and grateful to have been invited to lunch with two such legendary fellows.
In much the same way as you are no doubt honoured and grateful to be able to listen in.

Happy Christmas dear listeners. We have love for you. In a way.

This week’s episode is sponsored by your very own Christmas miracles at

RIP Ripley x

Direct download: TKIOF-EP211-THE_POD_OF_ST_JOHN.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:43am EDT

This week James has been mean to Sam. It’s unclear why but could have something to do with a chat about oysters and lemons that hasn’t even happened yet, but happens three weeks from now. It’s another example of the TickyOff Two bending time itself to their will. Or just misunderstanding how clocks and calendars and podcast release schedules work. That, like much of what they babble on about, is unclear.

Between dissing Sam, James has also found time to carry a coffin and make a lot of edgy, but hilarious, jokes at a funeral. Sam has been to the cinema and drops a fascinating review of ‘Knives Out’ direct into your ears.

They then depart TickyOff Towers and head off to Passione Vino, one of London’s greatest wine shops. There they meet up with proprietor Luca Dusi and get stuck into a lot of wine and even more chat.

Luca talks about joining the army, leaving Verona and why he has a fetish for gorgonzola. There’s a deep dive into the whole natural wine debate, a little cannibalism discussion and James regales all with an incredibly depressing Italian biscuit recipe.

All that classic chat vibe and yet there’s still time for Luca to heartily recommend a hard cheese as a precursor to….romance.

This week’s episode is sponsored by wine casanovas

Direct download: TKIOF-EP210-FUNKY_WINE_AT_THE_FUNERAL.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:22am EDT

Let’s open big here. Let’s open on a massive part of this week’s episode. Listen up listeners, this week.... James’s data problems continue! It’s a real nail-biting affair.
It’s tough to follow that up I know but here goes..
Sam wonders whether people are actually nice and the pair of them wonder on what car chef Gary Usher drives. James apologises to Sam’s wife and Sam wants to know how many extras peed in the water on the set of ‘Titanic’.

Then Guardian food Lord Bob ‘Bobby’ Granleese arrives and basically erupts all over the place with his renowned brand of good cheer, positive mental attitude and all round smiley demeanour.

Bob chuckles up a storm about Mourinho to Tottenham, editing Will Self and being attacked by teenage fans of The Cure. He radiates joy and happiness concerning his new desk, the brilliance of the late Deborah Orr and he finally answers one of the longest running questions in TickyOff lore: Is Angela Hartnett stern?

These three titans of chat also try a microwave Rustler burger live on air, Sam meets a helicopter gunship pilot and James’s dead body gets left on a runway in Thailand.

This is pure TickyOff. Babble but better. The best a man (or woman) can get. Once listened, forever smitten. Wake up.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Castrol GTX’s of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP209-BOBBY_ADDITIONS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:52am EDT

Another week, another episode of TickyOff. This week the damn Sam and the darn James open strong, with some scarf chat. The ground shakes at that level of chat. The seas boil with dialogue that powerful. A plague of locusts may well be released with mouthsounds so fascinating.
There’s only one way to follow that up, and that’s with the long awaited return of GhostChat!
Sam tells the usual scientifically-rigorous tale of a haunted suburban house in North Wales where a phone has gone missing, there is the stench of rotting flesh and it’s impossible to ascertain how many kids live in said house. Chilling.

Then all round big deal chef Marcus Samuelsson arrives and discusses his visits to football stadiums, why lingonberries are much better than cranberries and why paella is so tricky to make well. He also discusses slow expansion, what it was like coming up in the industry as a young black chef and how he learnt his love of cooking from his adoptive grandmother.

Finally, he describes cooking the first state dinner for Barack Obama, the benefits of cold water dips and why all food needs proper context to make sense.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the presidents of wine,

Direct download: TKIOF-EP208-PORTAL_IN_THE_LIVING_ROOM.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:21am EDT

Great Danes, tiny bottles of rum, milkshaking and gerrymandering. On no other damn podcast would you get an array of subjects so bewitching within the first half hour.
James and Sam also find time to exercise their mouthmuscles upon other equally as enticing topics such as Doncaster, Blur Vs Oasis, citizens arrests and their love for Emile restaurant. Oh, and they explain in great detail exactly what 'browning the cream' means. What that immortal phrase means for you, and the rest of humanity.

Then chef and new Byron Food Director Sophie Michell basically arrives at TickyOff Towers and things take a turn for the more interesting and less idiotic. There’s the violence and sexism of old school kitchens, the madness of night shift hotel cooks, and the deep sadness of James getting bullied by Jean-Christophe Novelli.

Plus, tall poppy syndrome, turning around a troubled brand, moving to Beirut, private cheffing for Claudia Schiffer and a long pondering on which Batman you’d most want to hang out with.

It’s TickyOff, and it’s just brilliant isn’t it?

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Batman and the Robin of wine drinks,


Direct download: TKIOF-EP207-SAM_GOT_SCAMMED.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:30am EDT

Upon this week, upon this episode, James and Sam are drunk.

James has drunk a stein of beer, Sam has been watching 'The Martian'. Despite these issues, they've also managed to create a website and have begun plotting the world's first ever TickyOff Awards.

Then Will Lander of Quality Chop House, Portland and Clipstone fame (among others) arrives and this wondrous triple mouth threat go deep on expansion, retail, wine, The Portland Pivot, backing talented chefs and having a wine expert for a mother.

There's also a very long discussion of 'El Camino: A Breaking Bad Story', a pondering on whether or not a banana is proof of God's existence and Sam once more thinks pork chops are dry....

This episode is sponsored by your wine friends and mine,

Direct download: TKIOF-EP206-A_NAUGHTY_BISCUIT.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:03am EDT

This week on mankind’s very greatest greatest achievement, The Goddamn TickyOff Boyz are joined by Ferhat Dirik, twitter legend, operator of Mangal 2 (Hands down one of the best restaurants in London). Ferhat opens his mouth and sounds basically fall out. These sounds concern, expansion, taking over a family business, Gilbert and George, why he hates his house and his very sneaky visits to Padella.

Before Ferhat arrives, James and Sam begin plotting the first TickyOff Awards 2019, wonder when one is officially middle aged and Sam apologizes to a previous guest…

Plus, there’s the perils of working with Deliveroo, questions from Twitter and the most underrated dishes you should be ordering at Mangal 2.

This episode is sponsored by wine gods

Direct download: TKIOF-EP205-A_BED_FULL_OF_SPIDERS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:02pm EDT

This week Sam and James get straight into the biggest issues currently facing humankind/themselves. Namely, how many murderers listen to TickyOff, whether or not food should ever make an appearance in the bedroom, whether James is scared of anything whatsoever and what happens if you throw eggs at space shuttles. James also drops a powerful review of ‘Joker’ and Sam has seen some sharks swimming by a nuclear power station.

After an opening like that, there’s only one person who could possibly stand toe to toe, aurally, with the TickyOff Two. That person is chef and restaurateur Stevie ‘Steve’ Parle. Stevie tells his tale from Ballymaloe cooking school, to the River Cafe, to opening Dock Kitchen, closing Rotorino and opening Pastaio at Westfield. He also shares the beauty of Japanese builders, the difficulties of setting the right tone in a kitchen and he provides an in depth recipe for his favourite Italian soup.

There’s also time for a long chat about colours, some glove discussion and some dried bean banter.

It’s TickyOff and be honest, there is nothing even close to as wonderful as this in any of your lives.

This week’s episode is sponsored by wine pedlars of great repute

Direct download: TKIOF-EP204-STEVIE_BOUGHT_A_HAWK.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:21am EDT

This week’s episode is brought to you by the letter F.
There’s fish, fascinating chat, and the vast majority is fool-free because Sam isn’t here.
He is around for the intro however where he discusses his beautiful hair and the time he had to kill a mouse humanely. In a verbal parry back at those incredible yap thrusts, James makes mouth sounds about his glamorous visit to the Observer Food Monthly Awards and also seemingly has no idea whatsoever about which animals live in canals.

Things improve no end once this week’s guest Josh Niland arrives. James takes on the renowned chef and fish butcher one on one, face en face, mano a horse..o.
Josh shares some unbelievable fish based knowledge such as how to make fish fat ice cream, crackers from fish eyeballs and mortadella from fish sperm. He also explains why water is the enemy of decent fish, how to write a book in a couple of months alongside two toddlers, a newborn baby and a hectic business and he also takes some questions from Twitter.

It’s not your usual TickyOff in that it’s pretty damn informative, sensible and near enough entirely ghost-less. Take this information and do what you will with it. I am not the boss of you.

This week’s episode is sponsored by winemongers

Direct download: TKIOF-EP203-HERMAN_THE_MERMAN.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:56am EDT

Guess what’s on fire?
That’s right, the planet is.
You can also add ‘The Kitchen’ to that flaming hot list.
I feel like I’ve made that joke before. I’d look back and check but I can’t. I am a shark and I cannot reverse.

This week The TickyOff Boyz utterly fail to deliver an intro to the episode. This is because they were in the pub. Sometimes, these things happen. I’d apologise but to be honest, water meet underside of the bridge. Bygones. Etc.

Anyway you don’t need an intro when you’ve got Selin Kiazim in the house*
*It’s not a house. It’s an office. Just for full disclosure.
Selin tells all about how she ended up owning and running two (and a half) restaurants, writing a cookbook and appearing on ‘Great British Menu’. There’s Peter Gordon at The Providores chat, modernising the food of her childhood discussion and operating in a tricky business environment…..verbals.

Meanwhile James drops an enormous jug of Bloody Mary mix on a train platform, Sam explains competitive hot-dog eating contest technicalities and Selin admits that the cooking show that inspired her to start cooking may well have involved a pair of legends known as The TickyOff Boyz of the early nineties, Gary Rhodes and Ainsley Harriot.

This week’s episode is sponsored by The TickyOff Boyz of wine

Category:general -- posted at: 11:06am EDT

After last week and the incredible staging of their own (podcast) deaths, James and Sam return to the usual ballyhoo and tomfoolery that has defined them for decades now. They turn their backs on the wondrous illusions and, if we’re being entirely honest, pure magic of last week and leave that to the likes of David Copperfield, Paul Daniels and that weird uncle you only ever met at birthday parties who had a cup with a vanishing ball in it and a multi-coloured hankerchief and subscriptions to….magazines and wore brown trousers and drove a 1970’s sedan car even though it was 1992. You know the sort.

Anyway, this week Chinese food expert and author Fuchsia Dunlop arrives in TickyOff Towers and explains how she became said expert and wrote a number of cookbooks including Sam’s all time favourite.
She schools our heroic pair on stir frying tekkers, the city of Chengdu and explains why she once set her own cookbook on fire.
Before Fuchsia shows up James has had a birthday, Pidgin has come up with a bad dish, they talk a bunch about spaetzle and ponder on a huge question: Can any fish reverse?

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Siegfried and Roy of wine delivery,

Direct download: TKIOF-EP201-THE_FOOD_OF_SICHUAN.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:31am EDT

So this is it. The end of the line. Game over. Butch and Sundance going out in a blaze of glory or John Virgo and Jim Davidson going their separate ways after ‘Big Break’ is not renewed for another series of brilliant snooker themed light entertainment.

The TickyOff Boys have towered over the world of podcasts for decades now. The awards too numerous to mention (Three Nobel Peace Prizes, a Field’s Medal in advanced mathematics, four A* at A-Level, a fifty metre swimming badge, Most Improved Player Chichester City Colts 1989, Horse Rear Of The Year 2001 and many many more too numerous to mention such as Grand National Winner 1974, Miss World 1980, 1981, 1982, Largest Marrow Widnes County Council Allotment Fete 2002, Grammy awards for best packaging and best guitar solo on a Latin Salsa track, WWF Wrestlemania Tag Team Champions 1988, and other awards far too numerous to mention).

It’s time for them to pass the torch, hand over the baton, step aside, let others attempt their own journeys to the very peak of human achievement via the medium of a vaguely food based podcast.
They go out as they came in, talking nonsense, delivering great wisdom and basically keeping it so real that reality itself somehow becomes even more real than humankind ever believed it could be in reality…..

In this emotional final farewell, James wants to kill cats and had a terrible salad at his own wedding. Sam really wants a hug from a prior podcast guest and is afraid of trampolines. There is a long and involved discussion about horse feet, why you shouldn’t kiss your Dad on the lips and they finally answer a question TickyOff fans have asked for years: What do you wear in bed?

There’s also time for a long promised deep dive into why Magpie failed, Dame Barbara Cartland and some discussion about piles.

This was TickyOff and one day the true majestic wonder of it will be studied and appreciated by the human/alien hybrids that will rule Planet Earth millennia from now. The TickyOff Boyz accept the gratitude and the love of you all. We know what we have provided, how much we have raised up civilisation. We are very humble human/God people. You’re welcome.

This week’s episode is sponsored by wine providers to the stars

Direct download: TKIOF-THE_END_PART_TWO.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:31am EDT

Guess who’s back this week for their second bite of a TickyOff shaped apple?
MiMi Aye, that’s who. MiMi is back to talk up an aural storm about her new book ‘Mandalay’, family trees, Twitter beefs and eating chicken on Burmese trains.
Meanwhile, James regularly risks decapitation on trains to Yorkshire, has an Apple Watch and is a huge fan of ‘The Princess Bride’.
Plus, Sam doesn’t enjoy the music of Prince, discusses the physics of ice skates and reveals that his Nan used to buy him some very unsuitable music when he was a kid….

Somehow Episode 199 also features a vast array of celebrities including Rutger Hauer, Nigella Lawson, Ryan Reynolds, Jet Li and David Bowie. If that ain't a TickyOff-shaped dinner party, I don’t know what is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the atom splitters of wine delivery

Direct download: TKIOF-EP199-ANIMAL_CROSSING.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:52pm EDT

Albert Einstein.
Marie Curie.
Paul Daniels.
All incredible scientists whose insights and incredible brains pushed humankind to ever greater heights. Add to this absolutely legendary braintrust two further names, James Of Ramsden and Sam O’Herlihy AKA The Gawddarn TickyOff Boyz. The reason their names deserve to sit alongside the science nerds named above? This episode of TickyOff.

Who else could conceive of a ghost named Derek? Who else could open a sandwich shop yesterday? Who else could slag off a beloved steak based restaurateur this much? Who else can update the humble fork to a new and spectacular level?

Get those wacky Nobel folk on the phone, The TickyOff Boyz just ordered a few Peace Prizes and a bag of medals. To go. Wake up.

This week esteemed baker, writer, photographer and general Flour Lord Dan Lepard is here. Dan creates mouth sounds for your ears on topics ranging from learning before the internet, eating at other people’s houses, wanting more anger in food writing and why restaurants should maybe stop trying to bake their own damn bread. The three mouths available for this week’s episode also get into the problem with ‘cucina povera’, food as a psychedelic drug, the world marmalade awards and the genealogy of classic restaurant dishes.

I get it, this much incredible content has probably already melted your grey brains out through your earholes but guess what? There’s even more packed in here, like a porky farce in a chicken’s chest cavity. Sam thinks he might have seen the Turin Shroud, Dan visits a number of Turin adult cinemas and James wonders on a decision with planet destroying possibilities:

Is it time for them to quit The Tickyoff for good?……..

This week’s episode is sponsored by the really lovely and kind people at

Direct download: TKIOF-EP198-PROVABLE_IDIOCY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:14pm EDT

This week on Thee TickyOff Sam and James get straight into vast, slab-like topics such as James’s son’s first day of school, a weird/nice message on Instagram and the stressfest that is opening Sons + Daughters. James is so British he makes his own daughter poorly and Sam may have seen his first actual real-life, scientifically undeniable GHOST!!! It’s a hell of a Devon based tale.

Then Dishoom’s Naved Nasir arrives and the three mouths on aural display, display sounds (again, aurally) to your ears in a non-visual, an aural, manner. Naved dishes all on his origin story, giving away his recipe secrets in the new Dishoom cookbooks, building a great company culture and keeping control of an ever expanding menu. He also gets into how it feels to run such busy restaurants while maintaining what first attracted guests through the doors.

This week’s episode is sponsored by wine chaps/fellows/gents

Direct download: TKIOF-EP197-THE_SECRETS_OF_DISHOOM.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:15am EDT

Firstly a little note, our mighty sandwich shop Sons + Daughters opens soon in Kings Cross! Listen to this episode on the way there and you may hear word of a TICKYOFF FAN EXCLUSIVE OFFER!!!

Now, on with the babble….

Guess who’s back?
A bunch of easily preventable diseases? Correct. Anti-vaxers, a plague upon yer unvaccinated houses.
Fascism? Correct. Fascists are, much like love is in mega hit ‘Love Is All Around’ by Wet Wet Wet, all around.
Twee and dull indie pop band Bombay Bicycle Club? Yep. I was surprised too, but they are indeed back and dropping some more twee and dull indie pop 'bangers' as we speak.

In a world where awful things keep coming back, we need something amazing to come back. Something magnificent and brilliant and mindblowing. Something like the goddamn TickyOff Boyz packing another galaxy humping episode of the solar system’s favourite podcast* The Goddamn TickyOff.

*We checked, and aliens think all that NPR nonsense, and Maron, and that buff fella and the freakynomics chap all SUUUUUCCCCKKK. We are massive in Saturn and could not be bigger on Pluto. Don’t write in to our email address that I’ve forgotten to tell me: ‘Oh well actually Pluto isn’t classified as a planet now actually I think you’ll find actually’. Because if I could remember the damn login then I’d reply: ‘Actually, don’t be unkind to Pluto. you can’t take that designation away just because someone cleaned the lens on Hubble and found that Pluto was actually just some birdmess on the glass that made it appear as if there was a planet there. That’s incredibly mean to them and at this point considering what we’re doing to Earth I’d say that our rock barely still qualifies as a planet too so pipe down planetary nomenclature pedant!’

Well, that really went somewhere.

Anyway, this week the Boyz slip right into some pig offal chat, Yorkie bars, holiday romances and the merits of cargo pants. James is irritated by a French fishmonger and Sam tries to impress a girl by killing someone.

If that wasn’t controversial enough Giles Coren shows up and……is Giles Coren. Unrepentant, Gary Lineker dissing, risotto loathing, music hating, peacock eating Giles Coren. He’s back from Greece, might be a secret vegan and while he may not enjoy eating dormice, he’s not shy of putting down a peacock or two.

This is what you’ve been missing all summer. While the world burned itself and its moral compass to cinders, The TickyOff was just waiting for its moment to return, like a soothing aural salve for the grim ills of humanity. Sound based Savlon for the sore graze of humankind. You don’t get that from bloody Maron now do you? Wake up.

This week’s episode is sponsored by intergalactic wine pedlars

Direct download: TKIOF-EP196-EATING_PEACOCK.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:41pm EDT

This week on TickyOff there is the usual mix of witty banter, interesting food tips and tricks, béarnaise technique, a deep dive into Escoffier’s legacy and how to help your children if they happen to be fussy eaters.
The above is a bald faced lie, despite the fact that my face is very much un-bald. It is haired. Non-bald. Like a rugged peach.

What there actually is a masturbating ghost ape, hawk excrement, Tilda Swinton eating rats, how to turn into a bat and turning Matt Berry into Kris Kristofferson.

Natasia Demetriou, star of ‘What We Do In The Shadows’, ‘Stath Lets Flats’ and ‘Ellie And Natasia’ is here and the TickyOff Boyz are nervous because they think she’s just swell.
They try and quell the nerves before she arrives with the aforementioned sexy chimp spectre and the raptor mess. Sam wants to know if birds can smell. James gets annoyed and laughs a lot.

Then Natasia arrives and yaps up a goddamn storm about auditioning, her deep love for free snacks, visiting a half built EuroDisney and she reads a moving passage from her teenage diary about her heartfelt concern for her friends when they started smoking in a playground.

There’s also room in this meaty stuffed goose of an episode for the Goss brothers eating Ginsters, pigeons eating Mighty White and Natasia comes out swinging at schools for clowns.

This week’s episode is sponsored by rare Giant Condors of the world of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP195-FIRE_SEX_MONEY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:14am EDT

When the human race looks back upon the greatest mistakes that civilisation has made throughout the span of life upon planet Earth, the first part of this episode of TickyOff will no doubt take it’s shameful place upon the list.

Yes, Season 2 of ‘Prison Break’, Donald ‘Duck/Dick’ Trump, and Magpie on 10 Heddon Street were all calamitous nightmares. They were all utter disasterpieces that seemingly paid no heed to the vast swathes of human progress that came before them. None however are as awful as the first twenty minutes or so of the episode about to drip, grimly, into your ear things.
It could all have been avoided. Things get off to an alright start as the TickyOff boys open serious with a deep dive into a dreadful customer at Pidgin. However what follows can only be described as a aural pile up involving multiple failures of imagination, poor quality decision making and pretty base stupidity.
All is not lost however! You can skip forward to the arrival of this week’s guest, Pod Lord, Luke Moore. The minute he shows up, things get a huge amount better.

Luke spills mouth-made sound beans all over the damn place regarding his (nearly as popular as TickyOff) podcast, 'The Football Ramble', the wonders of Gosport, his deep love of pop music, and a dog he knows who ate a sock.

There’s also ‘Midsommar’ chat, Sir Richard Stein discussion and a goalkeeper who believed an ancient Mayan prophecy and missed training. Finally there’s time for the return of Who Eats What?, mousse love and the much missed aeroplane-eater Monsieur Mangetout.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the very best wine pedlars in all of Gaia,

Direct download: TKIOF-EP194-MOUSSE_LOVER_1.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 2:09pm EDT

Last week the TickyOff Boyz visited the ancient pyramids. As they approached these magnificent desert triangles, Sam jumped down from James’s mighty back and noticed something.
“A triangle has three points!” Sam bellowed powerfully.
James snorted in agreement and they both immediately reached the same conclusion. They should find a guest who had been on the TickyOff twice before and invite them back on the TickyOff for a third TickyOff appearance so that they could be the first triangular guest on the TickyOff. What better way to pay homage to their favourite shape, the triangle? There was only one possible human who could achieve this milestone, Eater London editor, Adam Coghlan.
Sam jumped back astride his trusty steed with a powerful cry of:
“To home, my equine buddy!”
They turned away from the sandy three sided brick stacks and rode home to TickyOff Towers to anoint the very first TickyOff Triangle Human.

Adam ponders on why some people hate Eater London, the AA Gill award controversy, influencers, nuance torpedoes and reaching across an aisle. He comes out in support of a foul crisp and raves about Tata Eatery.
Also, Sam has had an operation on his back and legged it from a nurse. James went to Yorkshire and cooked a rubbish salmon-based meal. There’s gildas discussion, Adam wears something called The Bill Oddie and Sam goes up to the top of the Royal Opera House only to discover a strange genre of toilet.

This weeks’ episode is sponsored by legendary whisperers of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP193-CHRONOLOGY_OF_OUTRAGE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:16am EDT

This week on the fun filled and friendly Kitchen Is On Fire podcast James Ramsden and Samuel Herlihy have a lovely chat about the wonderful world of food. James offers up some very useful tips on spatchcocking a chicken. Sam shares a fascinating tale about a very unusual fish. If you’re a ‘real foodie’ then you’ll love this episode. Sunday Times food and Code Hospitality editor Lisa Markwell then joins the boys to share her deep wealth of knowledge about pesky restaurant lists, savoy cabbage and her incredible, and incredibly educational ,visit to Palestine. Food broadcasting at it’s very very best I think you’ll agree……..

Right, that was foul. This week on the goddamn TickyOff:

Are bears canines?
Sam doesn’t understand poultry skeletal systems!
There’s a fish with a human face!
James finds a mystery cheese!
Lisa Markwell goes on a boat with Mick Hucknall and Sinead O’Connor!
James was a brat when he worked in a pub!
Lisa has never ever drunk Coca-Cola!

It’s a podcast with more legendary chat than any other and if you describe yourself, ever, as a real foodie, you’ve come to the wrong damn place. Wake up.

This week’s episode is sponsored by awesome wine people


Direct download: TKIOF-EP192-HUCKNALLS_LOOP-AROUND.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:17am EDT

It was a dark and stormy night….
No it wasn’t!
That’s a complete lie!
Wool, meet my pulling hands, meet your eyeballs!
It was an early evening in London in June. Therefore, British Summer Time. So it wasn’t dark and it wasn’t night and the weather was fine.
What a trickster I am. And you totally bought it. Unlucky.

Anyway, the scene is now set. Great British Bake Off series one winner Edd Kimber turned up at the TickyOff Towers and two mouths became three mouths and sounds from those mouths were heard. From all three mouths. 'Twah boosh' as our Gallic pals might say.

There’s Paul Hollywood chat, Edd’s new deep dive into sourdough, baking in Israel, the best bun and everyone’s favourite windy day activities.

Sam eats a taxi driver’s cookie in New York. James turns on Sam. Edd gets his revenge on the kids who bullied him at school and they all eat delicious yucca flour based treats.

Oh and before Edd arrives, The TickyOff Two go very long and very deep on a mysterious business card belonging to a man who can raise the dead, stop evil eyes in their evil tracks and may or may not be able to fix James’s poor quality golf swing.

This is TickyOff and it sure is swell.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the witchy wine voodoo of those wacky kids at

Category:general -- posted at: 11:17am EDT

The TickyOff Boyz have been present at many of the greatest events in human history. When the pyramids were being built Sam was there, complaining that all of the snacks had too much honey in them. When JFK was shot, James was grazing on the grassy knoll. They were both at the filming of the ‘Big Break’ season 14 finale when John Virgo finally had enough of boorish scumbag Jim Davidson, clobbered him about the head with a snooker cue and started feeding him those blue chalk cubes.
They were also present in TickyOff Towers a week or so ago when Emma Underwood, legendary GM of newly opened Darby’s in London showed up to utilise her mouth to create audible noises on a wide variety of subjects.
This is a record of this world-cleaving event, Episode 190: Welcome To Woho.

Revel in Emma’s origin story from anarcha-feminist PhD to working for Gary Usher! Thrill to Sam using too many spoons! Listen in awe as James says ‘hella’ a lot!

This triangular chat-based cohort also manage to discuss diversity in hiring, windmills, mentorship, moats and Marcus Wareing’s stag do.

It’s TickyOff, and you should know by now, it’s very special indeed.

This week’s episode is sponsored by wine mavens

Direct download: TKIOF-EP190-WELCOME_TO_WOHO.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:23am EDT

Sam and James went to a donut* shop in Brooklyn.
The donut shop is owned by Wylie Dufresne.
Wylie Dufresne is a legend among chefs for his pioneering work at the sadly now closed WD50 and Alder.
He then decided to open the aforementioned donut shop.
They sell donuts.
Which are lush.
They also sell a grilled cheese and egg sandwich which is also, lush.
Wylie Dufresne very kindly agreed to trade off mouth noises with James and Sam.
So that’s what happened.
And that’s what this is.
A TickyOffWorld first, a bonus episode.
Wylie Dufresne is a lovely dude.
Sam and James are lovely dudes, on occasion.
Happy Christmas people!
You are, at least a little, welcome.

*It's Gotham, that's the spelling

This week’s episode is sponsored by the kind and generous people at

Direct download: TKIOF-BONUS_POD-DONUT_MATHS.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:42am EDT

The TickyOff Boyz have sailed across the North Sea in a galleon. A traverse which no one has ever managed to survive despite humankind attempting it for millennia. Upon reaching the far shore, James and Sam discover a strange land, a city named Gotham, and a vast number of sandwiches.
Fortunately for you they record their discoveries and provide great insight into them by rubbing their teeth together and shaking their tongues to create mouth sounds which your ear bones can detect.

They have made this incredible, and brave, journey on a research trip to discover whether the people of Gotham can make better sandwiches than the TickyOff Gang. It turns out, no they can’t. They also see some spooky black smoke, are yelled at by a taxi driver called Dennis and they eat a pickle-packet on a busy intersection. James tries to outwit a buffet, Sam has fallen deep into a Coldplay shaped rabbit-hole and they both wonder, once more, where exactly Jackson Boxer has got stuck this week.

Then they meet up with chef and co-owner of King restaurant Jess Shadbolt and things get more than real. Jess adds her mouth noises to proceedings concerning restaurant scene camaraderie, disastrous services, the realities of running a restaurant in NYC and advice and help from food world heavyweights Dave Chang, Gabrielle Hamilton and Will Beckett from Hawksmoor. Will also seems to pop up throughout the pod as everyone thinks that he and the drummer from Coldplay may well be the same person.

There’s also time for flapJack, a lot of borlotti bean chat, ’Sleepless In Seattle’ and Sam and James reveal exactly what Le Page is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the kind and generous people at and by the Bane and Batman of wine at

Category:general -- posted at: 6:23am EDT

It’s another week in TickyOff Land and that can mean only one thing; the moon has circled Jupiter once again, it’s orbit controlled, as science tells us, by magma, magnets and mountains sinking into the Earth’s mantle, or crust.

Now there’s a paragraph that made close to no sense. Much like most of Episode 188. James has been to Sweden and is fascinated by deceased actor Powers Boothe. Sam has been camping and believes old people to be dry to the touch.
There’s a return of new segment ‘Where’s Jackson Boxer Stuck?’, there’s morteau sausage cooked on a fire, anthrax from dead deer and we finally work out exactly what Postman Pat and Mrs Goggins get up to when Pat ‘visits’.

Then chef and restaurateur Tom Aikens arrives and sounds created in his lungs, as science tells us, are delivered into the ears of the human race. These sounds concern his new steakhouse in Abu Dhabi, running a frankly ludicrous number of marathons, his origin story from Norfolk alongside his twin brother, and a blue cheese addiction which pretty much gets out of control.

A selection of other noises erupting from Tom include old school restaurant culture, working for Pierre Koffmann and what happened when he sat astride a runaway race horse.

This week’s episode is sponsored by sausages.
That’s a lie. It’s sponsored by


Direct download: TKIOF-EP188-BEWARE_MRS_BENDY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:53am EDT

Gary Rhodes in his spiky-haired prime, delicately basting a filet of beef with foaming butter…

Nigel Kennedy in an Aston Villa shirt picking out a heartrending melody on his violin…

Les Dennis effortlessly controlling a studio audience with wit, good looks, and pure charm…

All masters in their respective fields. Operating at the very top of their games. Providing inspiration, inspiring jealousy, moving humankind forward, showing the way. Proving what is possible with God-given talent and almost superhuman dedication.

None even come close to James Reginald Colin Ramsden talking about postboxes on this week’s TickyOff. None.

It’s obviously slightly downhill after a start as incredible as this one but music photographer Edu Hawkins steps up and more than holds his own.
He provides ample mouth-created sounds about photographing BB King, Gil Scott Heron, Jarvis Cocker, and perhaps less impressively, Ed Sheeran.
There’s also New Orleans food discussion, the problem with The Foo Fighters and strange toilets in restaurants.
Finally, Sam is very anti reckless activity, James reviews Gloria Trattoria, Edu can’t burp and they all decide what they’d want to see if they peeled the skin of their faces off.

This is TickyOff and if you don’t know what you’ve signed up for, then read the small print ya phony!

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Levi Roots of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP187-KILLER_PHOTOGRAPHY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:14am EDT

Horses are beautiful creatures. Powerful animal shaped beings with long faces, wavy manes and metal feet.
Sometimes you just have to set them free.

In a move which again illustrates Sam’s heroic, humble and truly depthless humanity, this week he unhitches the saddle from James’s back, unties the plaits in James’s mane, feeds James a sugarcube and lets him run free for the very first time. As the leather seat of bondage falls to ground, and the sugarcube crunches beneath those big horsey teeth, James turns to Sam and in those dark, somewhat vacant equine eyes, there lies a question:

Can this be true? That you would give me….the world? The world entire in which I can canter?

Sam says nothing, but the look in his powerful, and stunning, blue eyes, says more than any words ever could. But if there were any words the four legged ass would understand, they would be something like:

Of course I give you this, donkey buddy. I am just an everyday hero.

Then the horse runs off to Thailand.

That’s right, this week, Sam heroically steps aside and allows James to carry the pod on his broad mule-like back. He’s in Thailand talking to food writer Kay Plunkett-Hogge and chef and restaurateur of Pok Pok, Andy Ricker.

Don’t worry though, there’s at least a little Sam this week in the intro where he emits mouth sounds concerning unexplained falling objects over Chichester, cooks something which James says is gross and takes a swing at both his mother and his sister for complaining about a prior podcast.
Plus there’s a very serious chat about redemption, hand to hand combat with vegetables and teaching your kid how to behave via the movies of James Bond.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Redrum’s of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP186-TICKYOFF_IN_THAILAND.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:35am EDT

The humility and truly humble nature of the TickyOff Boyz is what many people believe has led to their vast success in life, and in podcasting. Sure, there’s the wonderful humanitarian work they do. There’s Sam’s work with people affected by ghost hauntings or James’s selfless support of people who look like horses to name but two. These vast achievements on behalf of humankind itself generally fly under the radar completely because Sam and James don’t do them for the recognition, the fame, the well wishes or the financial reward. They do these things because they are probably two of the greatest human people ever to have lived. You wouldn’t know it to meet them though, they’d just shrug and bat away any compliments.

‘It’s just who we are’ they’d say.

'It’s just what we do’ they’d say.

You’d be honoured to be in their presence and you’d be left with more questions than answers. How can two people be that kind, that handsome and that successful yet also that pure of heart and endeavour? It’s incredible. They really are very special indeed.

All of these qualities are in full effect on this week’s episode. Sam has been digging a river and named it after himself. James has a Vicks stain on his teeshirt which only adds to his raw sexuality. There is a fascinating discussion of names, learning from burning, and James keeps naming members of semi-obscure British rock band of the early Noughties, Oceansize.

Then comedian, rival food podcaster and heavy music fan Ed Gamble arrives and two mouths become three, like viral bacteria multiplies but in an aural sense.

Ed talks about his start in comedy, 'Big Train', dressing like a rabbit (consensually) and why he may or may not be wearing chainmail underwear. There’s also a discussion about sensitivity in comedy, the fall of Louis CK and what the most metal of woodwind instruments might be.

Somehow they also manage to fit in Dungeons And Dragons, dal, Ed’s fiancee burning a Jamaican curry, James names yet more members of semi-obscure British rock band of the early Noughties, Oceansize, and Sam flat out demands that Ed picks a pulse.

This is God’s work, if God is in fact two boyz named TickyOff. Humanity, you are welcome.

This week’s episode is sponsored by an incredible bag of wine from Buy it and drink it. It helps.

Direct download: TKIOF-EP185-THE_GAMBLER.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:21am EDT

Serious stuff before the nonsense begins….

This Sunday James is running the Hackney Half Marathon along with his brother Will in aid of Bipolar UK, in memory of their uncle George. You can sponsor them at:

The computer has crashed at TickyOff Towers and sadly for you, a vast slab of pork chop based chat has been lost forever. Awful as this is, Sam and James manage to recover from the loss with an even heftier chunk of mouth sounds. James is fed up with London, may have hair plugs and proposed to his wife while watching a somewhat saucy movie. Meanwhile, Sam is concerned about a room service order in ‘Ghostbusters’, has meddled with Ash Nute’s pork chops and steals food from his son’s plate.

Then food writer Rosie Birkett arrives. She is late, but fortunately her tardiness is more than forgiven as she comes bearing a swathe of gifts for the TickyOff Two. Then, this trio of mouths in three skulls get to delivering at a high level on such topics as the music venues of Leeds, the joy of baking sourdough, dining in Mexico and the long list of food related words which get one’s back up.

Also, find out why Rosie was known as ‘Food Perv’, learn her thoughts on Dad Fashion and begin to understand exactly what strange behaviours Sam would get up to if he was ever invited on ‘Saturday Kitchen’.

Finally there is a chilling tale of Rosie’s near demise in the jaws of a giant lizard, also called Rosie. James takes a meal to a blogger and his nan who may or may not be nude, and Sam wears a name badge. Thrilling stuff.

It’s wild, it’s the opposite of mild and it sure does go on for a while. It’s TickyOff, and it’s the very best thing human beings can experience. Clothing might be optional, but safety is always paramount.

This week’s episode is sponsored by great adventurers on both sea and land

Direct download: TKIOF-EP184-EDIBLE_FINGERS_1.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:57am EDT

We know that our listeners worldwide come to TickyOff for many things, solace, James’s raw eroticism, Sam’s happy go lucky demeanor, ghost focused discussion. What few are looking for is a working knowledge of human, or animal, biology. That can only be a good thing. Especially in this week’s episode.

Somehow there are foul tear-ducts, talking sausages which may contain the ghosts of deceased pigs, the intelligence of corvids, sharks scaring whales and sheep stuck in blackberry bushes. Oh, and a mechanical spider.

Contributing to this menagerie of nonsense is author and bookshop owner Evie Wyld. She proves that she can communicate words via sounds created in her mouth not just on a page. It’s amazing. She discusses reviews, how she writes, unsuitable books for kids and treating escaped criminals like hedgehogs.

Meanwhile, Sam has stolen some erotic fiction from his mother, had a terrible experience in a highly regarded restaurant and thinks he looks like Harold from ‘Neighbours’. James has been to a theme park, is planning on test driving a Lamborghini and wants to make an Isle Of Wight based remake of ‘The Rock’.

Also, a little trigger warning for any dinner ladies listening in, James says ‘scrotum’ to one of your kind and Evie’s son punches one of your gang full in the face. Apologies in advance. We know that is no way to treat elderly slop-delivery folk but we have to keep it honest on the TickyOff and these things happened. This is real life. Wake up.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Marty McFly and Doc Brown of wine

Please hit us hard with a subscribe, a review, and a follow on Instagram: @tickyoff

Direct download: TKIOF-EP183-JUST_DONT_CRY.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:57am EDT

When James won his first Oscar for his incredible turn as an aged Bane coming to terms with his saggy body and his life of crime and carnage in Richard Curtis’s wonderful ‘An Old People’s Home Near Watford’, many commented on his stirring acceptance speech. How he dedicated his win to his ‘most incredibly handsome and wise best friend Sam’. How he refused to take the credit for that scene, the one where Bane and Martine McCutcheon make (grey) love on a row boat during a delightful day trip out to Whipsnade Zoo, instead thanking ‘from the bottom of my heart, my sensei of love, Sam’. As honoured listeners to this podcast will know, this was classic James. And there’s plenty more classic James on this week’s episode of The TickyOff.

He’s been playing a weird game in his parent’s garden, delaying his pleasure and styling his hair like Abs from Five. Sam meanwhile doesn’t trust Easter, regularly dresses up like a mummy and wants people to cheer up at funerals, just not while attending his own.

Then Ben Tish arrives like many, not all, but most guests, arrive to TickyOff Towers. Via the door. Ben’s mouth opens and closes, laying eggs of sound all around. His new book ‘Moorish’, the perils of Saturday Kitchen and his early days in cooking with Oliver Peyton, Jason Atherton and Dan Lepard. Other aural oeufs crack wide open and drip sound albumen on his hometown of Skegness, how much he enjoys dressing up like Stevie Nicks and Marcus Wareing acting like a twat.
There’s a lot of these audible eggs and yet somehow there’s also time to ponder on whether or not mountains are worth the hassle, couscous and the trials and tribulations of fast expansion.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the funky jazz sax and slap bass wonders of the world of wine

Category:general -- posted at: 11:54am EDT

A number of etchings were recently unearthed in a system of caves many miles beneath the Andean mountain ranges just south of Carlisle, in Peru. At first these strange hieroglyphs baffled the archeologists who had dug them up, with a big digger. They were on the verge of just filling in the big hole they’d dug, with their big digger, and admitting failure. Just in time though someone realised there were two humans who would definitely be able to crack the spooky etching conundrum. Those two human ‘men’? JR and SH, the TKIOF Boyz.
Flown to the site in a very expensive hovercraft, the TickyOff legends quickly deduced that the ancient cave wall vandals had simply written: The Kitchen Is On Fire Is The Best Podcast Ever and Forever. They’d also drawn a big…..element on the wall too. Very immature.
This week’s episode yet again proves the cave-scrapers’s correct. There’s waterpolo, Michel Roux Jr rueing the day, a lot of pie chat and a journey around the entirety of Ripon town centre. James has cooked a weird wellington and may be in line to become a hornblower. Sam will not reveal what he does in his house when his kids are out but he does reveal a tale of a woman with haunted bees in her eye.
Then Owen Barratt from the mighty Monty’s Deli arrives with tales of the toll cooking professionally takes on the body, Kickstarter, beautiful tiles, the wonders of Reading and the joy of pleather.
Owen has also been playing a lot of ‘Farming Simulator’, has some concerns about Thom Yorke and is very much down on lemon thyme.

This week’s episode is sponsored by seventh wonders of the world of wine

Category:general -- posted at: 7:16am EDT

This week restaurant critic and food writer Tom Parker Bowles is sat in the hottest of seats upon the mighty TickyOff. Imagine an internally heated saddle on a TickyOff shaped horse, that's the vibe and that's why cowboys wear chaps. Heat dispersion.

Things get off to a Brexit-themed start as Tom talks about Brexit. That doesn’t last long however as he then tells all about tabloid stings, death metal versus bagpipes and firing guns off the back of a flatbed truck in Guadalajara.
Also this week, James has crumbs on his lip, is making kombucha and wasn’t allowed to watch the start of ‘Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves’. We learn that Sam loves grouper, Tom finds dolphins sinister and James makes an incredibly niche indie-rock circa 2003 reference.
And if this episode wasn’t stuffed full enough with fat topics like a pod-based cotechino sausage, there’s also fun at a medieval fayre, a haunted tudor mansion, William Sitwell stealing people’s lines on ‘Masterchef’ and…….Sam and James go to a Smeg showroom.

If that isn’t a mountain based Sly Stallone vehicle with a hell of an opening scene, I don’t know what is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the incredibly gifted archers, whittlers, weavers and wine experts at

Direct download: TKIOF-EP180-FULL_BODY_GOUT.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 4:16am EDT

Recently James and Sam were mildly honoured to be invited to give the commencement speech to the 2019 class at the hallowed Massachusetts Institute Of Technology or MIT as some call it. Gushes of absolutely classic TickyOff mouth sounds were sprayed from the dais directly into the ear openings on the eager students headskulls. It was then the nerdy youngsters chance to be feel truly honoured when they were given the opportunity to offer up some Quickfire questions of their own to James and Sam. Unfortunately the be-robed Ivy Leaguer’s questions were far from the incredible standard required so the TickyOff boys bailed on the entire soiree in disgust. That’s why you haven’t seen any YouTube videos of the shindig alongside other commencement speech classics like the David Foster Wallace one about the fish or the one to Grimsby Polytechnic’s woodworking class of 1976 by turkey legend Bernard Matthews.

Fortunately Sam and James are back from Boston to bring the Quickfire, the Over/Under and the world class audible mouth noises to you, the most loyal and the largest audience in podcasting history.
This week chef and restaurateur Enrique Olvera is here and he’s a stone cold big deal. Pujol in Mexico City rides high on the World’s 50 Best list, Cosme and Atla in NYC are packed and critically acclaimed, he’s got a new book out ‘Tu Casa Mi Casa’ and he knows how to drink large amounts of mezcal without embarrassing himself. Unlike the TickyOff gang.

Enrique offers up a guide to the best restaurants in Mexico City, the five year old mole at Pujol, collaboration, and the pros and cons of a culinary education. There’s also just enough time for the first ever outro to an episode of TKIOF. In this aural appendage, Sam is poor and greedy and James says ‘arena of conflict’. There’s a new chef going great guns at Pidgin and they spill a vast variety of legumes about their upcoming trip to Greece to cook in a haunted monastery.

This week’s episode is sponsored by winged and b’whiskered wine champions of the world

Category:general -- posted at: 7:00am EDT

It’s another week, another journey around Jupiter, another wax and wane of Europa, our favourite moon. This intergalactic road trip also provides human beings of Earth with another incredible episode of the TickyOff podcast.
This week James has been roped into cooking bread with a bunch of children, only one of whom is related to him. Sam is ratty about a long, and to be fair somewhat dull, chat about the colour pink in restaurants.
They discuss flashing, ‘Grief Is The Thing With Feathers’, noodles and ‘Us’. Then beer expert and writer Melissa Cole shows up with a cool box full of beer and things improve no end. Melissa rains down chat-honesty like a cloud bank of verbal truth has just blown in from the West…or something.
She tells all about the grim idiocy of (some) in the craft beer world, changing demographics in beer drinking and drops more science than has ever been heard around these here TickyOff parts.
There’s also time for nursery rhymes, the difficulties of recording the sounds of a live hawk, tarot cards and mediums, and Melissa explains the benefits of Sam turning his back on his beloved Budweiser…

This week’s episode is sponsored by the entirely hairless, three fingered, web footed wine experts at

Direct download: TKIOF-EP178-HAMMER_OR_MALLET.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:14am EDT

This week on the damn pod things get off to an appalling start. There’s yet more moaning, some wild chat about how to spell the word for a hand-rolled cigarette and Sam wants to know which trees are found in the woodlands of Thailand.
The bar is set so low in these opening exchanges that things can only improve, and they do. In a way.
James has discovered that scientists have reversed time and it somehow involves racist ‘funnyman’ Jim Davidson and also poor John Virgo, whose name it would seem has been sullied by his ‘Big Break’ association with the aforementioned massive racist bellweasel, Davidson.
All of this high minded science chat is then somewhat undercut when Sam again disputes whether black holes exist and asks what they are actually doing at CERN. Sam then offers Brian Cox a sugar cube and the wheels fall off the podcast entirely….
Then journalist, and the man Gloria Hunniford wishes she was if she wanted to be a male consumer affairs legend instead of a female consumer affairs legend, Harry Wallop shows up.
This triumvirate of facially placed mouthholes spew forth on a £15 cup of a coffee, the inefficiencies of cheese, the wonder of Cumbrian Hotpot, the inanity of Quidditch and what it’s like writing for the gawddamn Daily Mail.
Oh and they talk about moths too.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Orion’s Belt of the galaxy of wine

Direct download: TKIOF-EP177-MEDIEVAL_WARFARE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:55pm EDT

Sam begins this week’s episode with a war on science. He disproves ‘The Five Second Rule’. Yes that’s right. A towering pillar of humankind’s understanding of existence itself, is pushed over like a poor quality Jenga player might topple down those funtime wooden blocks.
James is back from Thailand, and he’s in love with the food, the vibe, a man of the woods and with his very own Mongolian donkey.
They also manage to cover people reading showy books in public and Sam gets very ratty with the Renaissance.
Then Mollie Goodfellow arrives and within actual seconds, teachers are getting their comeuppance, Joe Wicks is in Eastenders, Greggggggg Wallace is working out his back muscles and real life people are being met in real life and some people feel uncomfortable about that.
They also blabber on about pasta, private school guilt, the legend of King Arthur and The Sopranos.
And Mollie brings up ghosts. Which James loves.

This week’s episode is sponsored by myths and legends of the world of wine,

Category:general -- posted at: 8:49am EDT

This week Sam and James are both incredibly depressed. It’s amazing how despite this, they still open with this much world-beating chat gold to be honest. No one else could deliver chat at this level with black hounds humping at their haunches. No one. That’s why you come here and these guys just turn it on like it’s nothing. Impressive I’m sure you’ll agree.
No other human mouths could spurt kombucha updates, sleeping bag considerations, packing books for a trip in the Arctic based on weight and fake interview confessions, in this manner and at this level. No one.
After an opening like this week’s, only two people could possibly arrive and immediately match the TickyOff Boyz chat diamond for sparkling chat diamond. These two people are Sarit and Itamar from Honey & Co.
This rarely spotted quadruple of mouths go deep on how to and how not to open a restaurant, growing at the right pace, and the benefits of being your own boss. There’s also a whole bunch of truth delivered aurally concerning how to maintain a relationship under the pressures of running a business, they take a swing at French patisserie, might want their neighbour dead and Sam bites his tongue as they go big on the wonders of honey.
All this plus, a harp playing ghost in the bakery and Sarit and Itamar share both the best and worst traits they see in one another which is insanely cute. Which no one has ever, in the entire history of the mighty TickyOff, described any of the content as being.
That was a truly awful sentence to end this blurb with but…you know. The gold is on the pod yeah, it ain’t here. What do you want from me? Wake up.

This week’s podcast is sponsored by amazing wine fella-me-lads and brilliant vodka whippersnappers

Category:general -- posted at: 11:36am EDT

Episode one hundred and seventy four comes around only once in a TickyOff lifetime, in that perfect moment between episode one hundred and seventy three and episode one hundred and seventy five. We thought we’d celebrate by opening with some powerful Nandos chat, how bus drivers deal with the bonnets on their own cars having worked in a bonnet-absent world at work and cinematic titan ‘The Human Centipede’.
Oh and before I forget, Sam has interviewed the dude who saw three UFOs a few weeks back!!
This week James’s eyes are absolutely screwed up. He may or may not have been huffing down some doobie smoke offstage mid-pod. Sam has had a tooth out and has been miserable all week. Luckily for you he brings his usual friendly and cheerful demeanor to proceedings. He also brings word of a spooky unexplained canoe in his grandparent’s garden and a spooky unexplained whale in the Amazon.
Then ES Magazine restaurant critic Jimi Famurewa arrives and delivers some strong aural, orally, backed up by (allegedly) stoned James and toothachey Sam.
This triton of babble is plunged deep into your ear canals delivering such topics as Jimi’s journey to his current gig via fanzines, lads mags and Bexleyheath. There’s also the pettiness of school, Nigerian soft drink fueled parties and lots of words about being a decent father.
Somehow they also manage to cover the all out war of restaurant reviewing from both critic and operator manned bunkers.
It’s pretty much the King Tut of podcasts, in that it’s solid gold, and potentially haunted.

This week’s episode is sponsored by ‘The Sopranos’ of wine (minus the criminality and violence and whatnot) and ‘The Wire’ (minus the criminality and violence and whatnot)
of vodka

Direct download: TKIOF-EP174-FATHER_TIME.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 3:08pm EDT

This week on English Country Garden Naturist Patrol, James and Sam discuss inner-thigh chafing, brunching in the buff and what to pack for a naturist's masquerade ball in Ipswich.

Apologies, that's their other pod..Anyway, this week on the TickyOff things get off to a mellow start as James relaxes himself by placing a stress reliever toy somewhere foul. He is also planning on babysitting some yeast. Sam has cooked some Palestinian food, cuts his fingernails in a grim fashion and starts bleating on about shoe horns.

They then move on to weightier topics such as heavy drinking in the hospitality industry, colonic irrigation and Sam's Ma's steak sauce recipe.

Then noted grain peddler Alex Hely-Hutchinson pretty much arrives in the office to add another mouth to the mouth duo that was there mouthing with their mouths prior to her arrival, with her mouth in tow.

The mouth of Alex rambles forth on celeb visitors to her shop (PAUL M'F&^KIN THOMAS ANDERSON!!! Spoiler, wave your tail at the stable door way way behind you), broccolo, grains vs seeds and how to evolve a breakfast led business. James’s mouth erupts with his porridge tekkers. Sam's mouth seems to spurt in all directions as they cover Queen, The Queen and how to maintain the warranty on your Sodastream machine.

And in a final brave stance, as a two fingered salute to all the haters, all the negative nellies, and to The Man, the TickyOff Boyz proclaim that murder.... is bad. Bravery like that deserves a goddamn Nobel prize or at least some Squarespace sponsorship surely?

This week's episode is sponsored by wine nirvana providers and vodka babylon kings

Direct download: TKIOF-EP173-HIGHWAY_TO_HULL.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:28am EDT

Another week, another episode of solid gold mouth sounds. The greatest human (or animal) minds throughout time could all get in a room with flowcharts and overhead projectors and abacuses and protractors and whatnot and still not fathom just how it is that James and Sam manage to deliver at this level, with this measure of consistency, this weight of genius ideas and this volume of ghost chat. It’s nothing if not flat out impressive.

We begin with a bunch of egg chat, Paul Danan’s struggle with fame and Sam’s struggle with Greggs steakbakes after his band split up. Then, via a detour into a headless purple mule in Brazil, James reads out a letter from a listener concerning, once again, the grim world of toxic restaurant culture.

Then cookbook author and writer Ella Risbridger arrives and this triumvirate of mouths spray forth on notebooks, board games, Sylvia Plath’s driving license and the rights and wrongs of pickle plates. Ella is learning Hindi, gets some props from Nigella and feels scarecrows are overrated. James considers the fall of Kings Of Leon, collects stranger’s shopping lists and has something very erotic, yet creepy, in a place he calls ‘The Naughty Cupboard’. Meanwhile Sam has stolen four pickles from James, is petrified of chip pan fires and seems to be hiding a secret concerning what he gets up to at night in James’s house.

They go on to discuss mental health struggles, moving on from your old life and whether winning Euromillions would actually make you happy.
Oh, and Ella has to choose between having a beak or having gills and Bane might be mentioned too. To be fair it has been a while since they last talked about their favourite big dude with a funny voice.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Captain Kirks of the planet of wine and the Captain Jean Luc Picards of the galaxy of vodka

Direct download: TKIOF-EP172-_SPIKY_THE_HEDGEHOG.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:43am EDT

This week on this thing some people call a podcast, others describe as a legendary chat kerfuffle and one dude called ‘actually the greatest mouth sounds humans can apply to their earholes’ James and Sam are joined by restaurateur Amy Poon.
Now, journey isn’t a word that we here on the TickOff have any interest in throwing around like an aural knockoff version of the grim ‘X-Factor’ but Amy’s journey from a kid growing up in restaurants, to advertising in Tokyo, to a champagne bar in a Singaporean red light district, is an origin tale that deserves the journey word. So there it is, a journey. Make like a fun hiking club, and walk it, with us…aurally…I guess.
Anyway, before Amy shows up there’s more than enough time for James to talk about leeks for a pretty long stretch and wonder on one of the biggest questions humankind has ever grappled with: Just how much is that doggy in the damn window? In other news, Sam is wary of old men and wants to wear a sleeping bag on a plane.
Even though it may well seem like a single episode couldn’t possibly hold more, this one can. The binbag of chat is overflowing, it’s split, it’s dripping chat all over the floor as you carry it to those holes on your skullsides. There’s a friendly ghost named Uncle Chan, there are Amy’s secret Chinatown recs and there may well be the paw of a wolf in your soup. Know this, and act on it people.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Pulitzer Prize winners of wine delivery and the Nobel Prize recipients of vodka making

Direct download: TKIOF-EP171-WOLF_SOUP.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:20am EDT

Another week, another episode of the world’s most popular podcast, TickyOff. You are more than welcome. Don’t call us heroes. We’re just everyday folk like you. We have mouths on the front of our heads and via these mouths we make sounds that drip into the holes on the side of your heads. We also have those holes on the sides of our heads but we don’t use them as much as you do. Maybe we should. Who knows? Anyway, let’s just be clear: our mouths, your ears, you’re welcome, we’re awesome. Done.

Sam has toothache and thinks that while naked in a shower he may have seen Nuno Mendes in a black speedo. James is one half of a ‘foodie power couple’, has a mate who lives in a haunted house and tells all about his Sam-less trip to the incredibly dated but seemingly quite wonderful Oslo Court. They ponder on taking TKIOF on the road, The Chicken Bloke, UFOs over Chichester and also get into the recent grim reports from the world of London restaurants.

Then Melissa Hemsley shows up and topics erupt all over the damn place. There’s church chat, Lego babble and porn on public transport….discussion. Melissa reveals her favourite sausage, cries in the Albert Hall and goes to war with squirrels.

These are sounds from three mouths, entering the ears of millions. A shared experience like no other. Wake up yeah? What else is there?

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Leathermen of the world of wine and the Swiss Army Knives of the world of vodka

Direct download: TKIOF-EP170-SASQUATCH.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:38am EDT

Do you remember that awesome bit of 'Empire Strikes Back' when Luke Skywalker is on Hoth, the icy ice nightmare of a planet and he's silly cold so he guts a wampa, that big hairy moose-esque fella, and climbs into them hot guts like a saveloy into a Pukka Pie? Well this week on TickyOff, pretty much exactly the same thing happens but instead of Luke Skywalker, it's Jamie Oliver and instead of Hoth, it's Wyoming and instead of a wampa, it's a big horse and instead of being in 'Empire Strikes Back' it's in a dream Sam had once.

Despite that tale for the damn ages there's also somehow time for Prohibition, Bane vs Shia LeBoeuf and haunted pubs. James may be a myth and Sam disappoints his buddy Ash Nute.

Then Anna Jones shows, which rhymes kinda, and things improve no end. There's Gloria Hunniford on Anusol, Gino Dicampo on a beach and the aforementioned Jamie in a horse.

And if that wasn't just about enough, there's igloo chat, tea with Colin from Radiohead and we learn exactly what 'living room balls' are...

This week's episode is sponsored by wine Da Vincis and vodka Van Goghs

Category:general -- posted at: 9:01am EDT

Two 'men' known by many as James and Sam get right into some sound noises from within their gullets this week. There's a firm but fair chat about Eater London. There's a dark and spooky chat about a creepy cave and the turnip thief who done doth dwelled there. There's also a sweet and kindly chat about a cute moment between James and his daughter. Oh and there's castratos, dangerous dogs and James in a speedo. Wake up. This is TKIOF and it ain't our first rodeo.

Jeremy Lee is here this week and he basically just erupts with chat over the entire room, our ears, your ears and the ears of the world at large. He's got winter ingredients, tripe tales, Alistair Little/Simon Hopkinson/Rowley Leigh banter, and he explains how the behemoth that is Quo Vadis operates. He also reveals that he once got lost in his own building, wishes he could juggle (?) and LOVES the 'Blade' movies....

Meanwhile, Sam may have taken acid, James says something saucy about Elizabeth David and they ponder on whether saddles for dogs could be a wise business venture to undertake.

This week's episode is sponsored by Ian Botham Fan Club Treasurers and Devon Malcom's social media officers

Direct download: TKIOF-EP168-THE_YELLOW_DOG.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:04am EDT

Things that have been shot:

Evel Knievel from a cannon across a canyon

Digital ducks in the old Nintendo game ‘Duck Hunt’.


And something else that’s been shot? The breeze on this week’s wonderful new installment of the lovely podcast known to some as The Kitchen Is On Fire, to many others as TickyOff and to a fair few as Mouth Sounds From Legends.

After a festive season delay due to grim glands and poorly wives James and Sam reconvene at the office to pretty much howitzer the hell out of the damn breeze. Sam’s had a bad Christmas, James has cooked the Christmas food and they check in with the predictions they made for the year just past.
They also find time to discuss the Bros documentary, the creepy items James keeps in his desk box and Sam tries in vain to find out what creepy secret New Year’s resolution James has made. A lot of creepiness going down….

Then Alice Levine shows up dressed like a pilot with some very hot porridge in tow. The steamy oats are put to one side so this thrupple of chat can cover other equally as steamy topics such as recommending porn to your mother, pickled onions, a boot full of béchamel and Dame Emma Thompson.

There’s also hairy eyelids, big soups, the joys of eating club sandwiches in the nude and Alice reveals her new found favourite canned good. A clue, it rhymes with ‘porter mess shunt’. Cryptic, and not as gross as that clue might lead you to believe it is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by 2019’s greatest wine providers and 2019’s most brilliant vodka creators

Direct download: TKIOF-EP167-BATMAN_ON_THE_BOUNCE.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:56am EDT