Wake up and smell the word noises dribbling from human mouth parts!

James opens up like a clam of chat to discuss his beard line, his rogue mother-in-law and his discovery of a single grey hair somewhere strange.

Sam gushes human language sounds like a methane vent on a buried landfill site concerning such wondertopics as suicide hotspots, dawn walks and Paul Rudd.

Then Oisin Rogers, esteemed man about town and landlord of one of London's finest boozers shows up and things take a turn for the educational. How to hire the right people, the wonders of a proper lunch, Otto's restaurant in Kings Cross and Dublin bus routes.

There is also talk of a horse whisperer, a couple of listener emails, ghosts doing graffiti and we learn exactly what Osh's "Diddle" is.....

This podcast right here in yer ears is sponsored by the wonderful wine pedlars: dropwine.co.uk

Okay, think about big things.....what are you picturing? Mountains? Elephants? KFC Megabuckets? Sam's face? Do you know what is bigger than all of those things? Far bigger. This damn episode. This episode is a vast and impressive thing. Heft? It's got it. Expanse? Of course. Girth?....there can be no doubt about it.

Like* a dumb podcast version of an Icelandic saga we begin with a refurb at Pidgin and Sam looking at James in an odd fashion. You also hear about a delightful seafood-based and Thai-influenced barbeque that James cooked. Wowzer.

*unlike it in any way whatsoever.

Then things take a turn in a classic TKIOF direction when they start blathering on about seeing adult film stars at Au Pied De Cochon Sugar Shack, reel off some solid soup chat and also provide the world with quite possibly the greatest gravy technique of all time.

After all that 'excitement', thank God for a gift from the heavens, Dolly Alderton turns up and immediately makes a big impact on our gruesome twosome by dishing on recording her audiobook, her experiences with the readership of the Sunday Times and reveals that Dolly is in fact NOT HER REAL NAME!! Gadzooks!!

This triangular chat arrangement then goes on to discuss why Dolly wrote her book, funeral songs, 'Made In Chelsea' and bad reviews.

James reveals his deep love for SnakeBoards, Sam eats a melancholy prawn sandwich and they reveal the origins of the world's greatest ever insult: HORSE!

Oh and also, Dolly admits she did something truly awful a few days ago....cliff meet hanger.....

All in all, we had a lovely time,  and we hope you do too when you spray it in your ears. Liquid chat to bathe yer brain in, like a footspa for your synapses....in a way.

This week's episode is sponsored by your booze-delivering friends and ours: dropwine.co.uk.

I told you normal dum dum service would be resumed this week....

James is back from Italy and feeling heavy. Sam urinates all over the floor following a run in with a stern nurse. Whilst in Italy James cooked a fish from the River Nile and placed his trust in a wise butcher. Sam watched 'Notting Hill' and decided it was a film about people needing to....go.

After this nonsense-babble our heroic podchimps get serious, and seriously sad to pay their respects to one of their own heroes Anthony Bourdain, following his recent passing.

Praise be to Lizzy Barber who shows up to talk about her role at Hache, Cabana and Hush restaurants as Creative Director. Lizzy provides information aurally on such topics as people being unfair to chains, her hatred of fried dough and an awful meal in Atelier Crenn.

There's also words and sounds from human mouths concerning the World's Fifty Best Restaurant awards, the sneakiness of salt cod, an email from a listener and what colour clothes you should wear in hot weather.

This week's episode is sponsored by wine peddler's to the stars and to you if you are a wise wine drinking app user....

dropwine.co.uk

Right, listen up. There isn't any of the usual nonsense from Ramsden and Herlihy this week. There's no cav nero, no bad parenting and no twee "Ooooohhh Jamesey, what did you cwook this weekend?". Sam isn't going to be telling no tales about some windy walking dumbassery he's been up to and James isn't going to be babbling on about yet another bloody wedding he's been dancing at. Wake up people! There is NONE OF THAT CAPER ROUND HERE THIS WEEK! NONE!

Instead, this week Sam and James sit back, hungover, and are roundly steamrollered by Matt Chatfield who has a lot to say on some flat-out BIG topics.

Brexit? Of course. The future of Cornish farming? A gallon. Vegans? A  lake full. The left wing bias of London food media? Ladies and sirs I give you a deep and spooky well of that chat.

Matt comes out swinging at many a target while James dutifully takes notes for him and Sam only manages to babble out something about a bear kissing a dog and to point out the fascinating set up of a woodpecker's tongue.

Normal wacky-ass service will be resumed next week but for now allow your ears an aural feeding of provocative but damn interesting thoughts and theories from a man who believes he can see the future of this crappy country of ours....

This weeks serious episode is sponsored by the serious-about-wine dudes at dropwine.co.uk

"I've got the key, I've got the secret" someone sang on a terrible song a while ago. If the key and the secret is actually episode one hundred and forty two of TickyOff then YOU now have said key and said secret and you have these aforementioned items without that garbage song puking in yer ears....anyway...

Food journalist and baby faced drinker James Hansen is here and the topics are deep. We're talking canned tuna, a deep dive into the world of coffee, cakes made of gravy and working in a theatre.

Before Hansen shows, James and Sam babble on about their office night out, their gardening exploits outside Magpie and the wonders of the mighty restaurant Ciao Bella.

Sam sees a Native American on the tube platform and Ottolenghi on a bike and Margot phones in to try and get our wonderful hosts to go boozing with her.

There's all that nonsense plus a bumper Quickfire and a hefty dose of Over/Underrated.

We really hope you like this podcast. We have love for you. In a way.

This weeks episode is sponsored by the mad booze loonies at  dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Crumbs. It's actually here. That's right. Episode 141 is here. What a number! What a number of episodes to have achieved. It's also World Otter Day at TKIOF Towers. Scenes. Real big scenes....

Sam gets GapShamed and has a whistling nose. James is on odd, pretty drunk form having fallen asleep on the tube, watched 'Patrick Melrose' in the wrong order and done a super funny joke on Islay.

Praise be to Anna Sulan Masing who appears just in time to throw down on some flat out weighty topics such as The Tomorrow Project, #metoo coming to the UK restaurant scene and whether or not tokenism can be useful.

However, this is TickyOff and seriousness cannot reign forever. Soon Sam is dying on a hill made of penises, James keeps making really woeful jokes and Anna goes deep on Guns and Roses, New Zealand 'Bogans' and the benefits of taking magic mushrooms.

This episode, like all episodes that have come before it, raises a vast number of questions but you should know up front that only one question really matters.....what does your heart smell like?

Wow. That's a deep one. Listen along with this triangle of chatting humans and you'll understand....scenes...real scenes...

This week’s episode is sponsored by dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Look out! Episode 140 is about and by about I don't mean 'hanging around, just kind of blending in to the background and minding it's own business'. I mean ABOUT!  This episode is staggering around like a drunk fool on a packed tube train. Up in your face! Stinking of booze! And crisps! And whatnot!

This week James is ratty and has run a half marathon while Sam may be wearing racist trainers and hasn't seen 'The Lion King".

There are question marks over how much human remains and/or dog urine we lie in when we lie in parks, the differences between skirt/flank/bavette steak and whether or not James showered with food writer George Reynolds.

Thank whatever god (or goddess!) you worship that chef-owner of Nanban in Brixton, cookbook author and Masterchef winner Tim Anderson arrives to up the knowledge, wit and entertainment level.

The mouth-count is up by a third and these three mouths begin with some solid Matrix, Marvel and Star Wars chat before moving into the myths of MSG, recruiting restaurant staff and the wonders of Tim's home state, Wisconsin.

Also legendary TickyOff game 'Who Eats What' is back! No lie! 'Who Eats What?' is back! B to the A to the C to the goddamn K. Back baby! Imagine that. You don't have to imagine that 'Who Eats What?' is back, because it's actually back, and here, on this weeks podcast.

Please refrain from blowing your brains out all over the dashboard of your car at this news. We appreciate life can only go downhill from here but you may as well keep going. You never know, 'Who Eats What?' might be back another week. Who knows? I do not.

First up, why in all hell did Nosferatu have long fingers?

Secondly, what actually is missionary work?

Huge questions posed this week by medium sized men, both in brain size and in bodily...bulk.

Amidst the usual TKIOF ballyhoo there is genuine drama this week as Sam's wife takes a break from buying garbage on Gumtree to save a choking child, James has zero service at a beloved London restaurant and this week's guest reveals exactly what happens when you defrost a mouse in a microwave.

Said guest is the delightful self confessed 'breeder' and wine expert Joe Fattorini who basically drives up in a tanker truck full of knowledge and unscrews the rear valve, sending a spume of wine based facts arcing into the sky and directly into James and Sam's faces, ears and if we're being totally honest, their mouths. It's an aural sight to be seen/heard...I've confused myself.

Furthermore, Jame's wife hangs out on a beach with Benny Cumberbatch, Sam is amazed by James and Joe's pope knowledge and Joe puts a dent in a 10 million dollar roof with a drone.

It's a TKIOF, and you know EXACTLY, what that means.

Pull 'em up and put it on.

Wazzzzzzup etc.

James and Sam are this week joined, via human contact within the same room on a little place I like to call Planet Earth, by another homo sapiens type creature. This one goes by many names but for the purposes of this podcast we shall know him by his actual name, Chris Stark!

Chris dishes many tonnes of dirt on life at Radio One, studying politics, his infamous Mila Kunis interview and his new found love for cooking.

Before that, James continues to lower the bar when it comes to parenting ability, gets aggy with his wife and watches a really fun movie film.

Meanwhile Sam just can't stop walking down a foul alley, his wife just can't stop buying trash on Gumtree and his son just can't stop doing something obscene while listening to 'Rattlesnake' by King Gizzard And The Lizard Wizard.

Wow meet zer! It really is a podcast of a rare vintage. Hear it, in your mind. Via, as ever, your ears. Or someone else's. Your call.

It's duo week on TKIOF in that there are only two people mouthspeaking. Those two people are James and Sam. You know them. You like them very much.

You'll also like hearing them breathing in air and spewing out wise thoughts and unwise idiocy. Examples this week include Sam telling a Spanish lady his name is Elias, James cooking a turbot on Jersey and the pair of them being very unsure as to how radar works.

Sam has taken a liking to Sundays, James plays hardball with a gym membership renewal. There's yet more Brat-Chat and they both take Jay Rayner to task for leaving flaming dogdirt on someone's front door step....

Also, canalside vikings, a parmesan storm, James's son swearing and Sam thinks, once more, he's about to die.

This week's episode is sponsored by the friendly booze hounds at dropwine.co.uk and ourvodka.com/ourlondon