Episode one hundred and seventy four comes around only once in a TickyOff lifetime, in that perfect moment between episode one hundred and seventy three and episode one hundred and seventy five. We thought we’d celebrate by opening with some powerful Nandos chat, how bus drivers deal with the bonnets on their own cars having worked in a bonnet-absent world at work and cinematic titan ‘The Human Centipede’.
Oh and before I forget, Sam has interviewed the dude who saw three UFOs a few weeks back!!
This week James’s eyes are absolutely screwed up. He may or may not have been huffing down some doobie smoke offstage mid-pod. Sam has had a tooth out and has been miserable all week. Luckily for you he brings his usual friendly and cheerful demeanor to proceedings. He also brings word of a spooky unexplained canoe in his grandparent’s garden and a spooky unexplained whale in the Amazon.
Then ES Magazine restaurant critic Jimi Famurewa arrives and delivers some strong aural, orally, backed up by (allegedly) stoned James and toothachey Sam.
This triton of babble is plunged deep into your ear canals delivering such topics as Jimi’s journey to his current gig via fanzines, lads mags and Bexleyheath. There’s also the pettiness of school, Nigerian soft drink fueled parties and lots of words about being a decent father.
Somehow they also manage to cover the all out war of restaurant reviewing from both critic and operator manned bunkers.
It’s pretty much the King Tut of podcasts, in that it’s solid gold, and potentially haunted.

This week’s episode is sponsored by ‘The Sopranos’ of wine (minus the criminality and violence and whatnot) dropwine.co.uk and ‘The Wire’ (minus the criminality and violence and whatnot)
of vodka ourvodka.com/ourlondon

This week on English Country Garden Naturist Patrol, James and Sam discuss inner-thigh chafing, brunching in the buff and what to pack for a naturist's masquerade ball in Ipswich.

Apologies, that's their other pod..Anyway, this week on the TickyOff things get off to a mellow start as James relaxes himself by placing a stress reliever toy somewhere foul. He is also planning on babysitting some yeast. Sam has cooked some Palestinian food, cuts his fingernails in a grim fashion and starts bleating on about shoe horns.

They then move on to weightier topics such as heavy drinking in the hospitality industry, colonic irrigation and Sam's Ma's steak sauce recipe.

Then noted grain peddler Alex Hely-Hutchinson pretty much arrives in the office to add another mouth to the mouth duo that was there mouthing with their mouths prior to her arrival, with her mouth in tow.

The mouth of Alex rambles forth on celeb visitors to her shop (PAUL M'F&^KIN THOMAS ANDERSON!!! Spoiler alert....horse, wave your tail at the stable door way way behind you), broccolo, grains vs seeds and how to evolve a breakfast led business. James’s mouth erupts with his porridge tekkers. Sam's mouth seems to spurt in all directions as they cover Queen, The Queen and how to maintain the warranty on your Sodastream machine.

And in a final brave stance, as a two fingered salute to all the haters, all the negative nellies, and to The Man, the TickyOff Boyz proclaim that murder.... is bad. Bravery like that deserves a goddamn Nobel prize or at least some Squarespace sponsorship surely?

This week's episode is sponsored by wine nirvana providers dropwine.co.uk and vodka babylon kings ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Another week, another episode of solid gold mouth sounds. The greatest human (or animal) minds throughout time could all get in a room with flowcharts and overhead projectors and abacuses and protractors and whatnot and still not fathom just how it is that James and Sam manage to deliver at this level, with this measure of consistency, this weight of genius ideas and this volume of ghost chat. It’s nothing if not flat out impressive.

We begin with a bunch of egg chat, Paul Danan’s struggle with fame and Sam’s struggle with Greggs steakbakes after his band split up. Then, via a detour into a headless purple mule in Brazil, James reads out a letter from a listener concerning, once again, the grim world of toxic restaurant culture.

Then cookbook author and writer Ella Risbridger arrives and this triumvirate of mouths spray forth on notebooks, board games, Sylvia Plath’s driving license and the rights and wrongs of pickle plates. Ella is learning Hindi, gets some props from Nigella and feels scarecrows are overrated. James considers the fall of Kings Of Leon, collects stranger’s shopping lists and has something very erotic, yet creepy, in a place he calls ‘The Naughty Cupboard’. Meanwhile Sam has stolen four pickles from James, is petrified of chip pan fires and seems to be hiding a secret concerning what he gets up to at night in James’s house.

They go on to discuss mental health struggles, moving on from your old life and whether winning Euromillions would actually make you happy.
Oh, and Ella has to choose between having a beak or having gills and Bane might be mentioned too. To be fair it has been a while since they last talked about their favourite big dude with a funny voice.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Captain Kirks of the planet of wine dropwine.co.uk and the Captain Jean Luc Picards of the galaxy of vodka ourvodka.com/ourlondon

This week on this thing some people call a podcast, others describe as a legendary chat kerfuffle and one dude called ‘actually the greatest mouth sounds humans can apply to their earholes’ James and Sam are joined by restaurateur Amy Poon.
Now, journey isn’t a word that we here on the TickOff have any interest in throwing around like an aural knockoff version of the grim ‘X-Factor’ but Amy’s journey from a kid growing up in restaurants, to advertising in Tokyo, to a champagne bar in a Singaporean red light district, is an origin tale that deserves the journey word. So there it is, a journey. Make like a fun hiking club, and walk it, with us…aurally…I guess.
Anyway, before Amy shows up there’s more than enough time for James to talk about leeks for a pretty long stretch and wonder on one of the biggest questions humankind has ever grappled with: Just how much is that doggy in the damn window? In other news, Sam is wary of old men and wants to wear a sleeping bag on a plane.
Even though it may well seem like a single episode couldn’t possibly hold more, this one can. The binbag of chat is overflowing, it’s split, it’s dripping chat all over the floor as you carry it to those holes on your skullsides. There’s a friendly ghost named Uncle Chan, there are Amy’s secret Chinatown recs and there may well be the paw of a wolf in your soup. Know this, and act on it people.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Pulitzer Prize winners of wine delivery dropwine.co.uk and the Nobel Prize recipients of vodka making ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Another week, another episode of the world’s most popular podcast, TickyOff. You are more than welcome. Don’t call us heroes. We’re just everyday folk like you. We have mouths on the front of our heads and via these mouths we make sounds that drip into the holes on the side of your heads. We also have those holes on the sides of our heads but we don’t use them as much as you do. Maybe we should. Who knows? Anyway, let’s just be clear: our mouths, your ears, you’re welcome, we’re awesome. Done.

Sam has toothache and thinks that while naked in a shower he may have seen Nuno Mendes in a black speedo. James is one half of a ‘foodie power couple’, has a mate who lives in a haunted house and tells all about his Sam-less trip to the incredibly dated but seemingly quite wonderful Oslo Court. They ponder on taking TKIOF on the road, The Chicken Bloke, UFOs over Chichester and also get into the recent grim reports from the world of London restaurants.

Then Melissa Hemsley shows up and topics erupt all over the damn place. There’s church chat, Lego babble and porn on public transport….discussion. Melissa reveals her favourite sausage, cries in the Albert Hall and goes to war with squirrels.

These are sounds from three mouths, entering the ears of millions. A shared experience like no other. Wake up yeah? What else is there?

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Leathermen of the world of wine dropwine.co.uk and the Swiss Army Knives of the world of vodka ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Do you remember that awesome bit of 'Empire Strikes Back' when Luke Skywalker is on Hoth, the icy ice nightmare of a planet and he's silly cold so he guts a wampa, that big hairy moose-esque fella, and climbs into them hot guts like a saveloy into a Pukka Pie? Well this week on TickyOff, pretty much exactly the same thing happens but instead of Luke Skywalker, it's Jamie Oliver and instead of Hoth, it's Wyoming and instead of a wampa, it's a big horse and instead of being in 'Empire Strikes Back' it's in a dream Sam had once.

Despite that tale for the damn ages there's also somehow time for Prohibition, Bane vs Shia LeBoeuf and haunted pubs. James may be a myth and Sam disappoints his buddy Ash Nute.

Then Anna Jones shows, which rhymes kinda, and things improve no end. There's Gloria Hunniford on Anusol, Gino Dicampo on a beach and the aforementioned Jamie in a horse.

And if that wasn't just about enough, there's igloo chat, tea with Colin from Radiohead and we learn exactly what 'living room balls' are...

This week's episode is sponsored by wine Da Vincis dropwine.co.uk and vodka Van Goghs ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Two 'men' known by many as James and Sam get right into some sound noises from within their gullets this week. There's a firm but fair chat about Eater London. There's a dark and spooky chat about a creepy cave and the turnip thief who done doth dwelled there. There's also a sweet and kindly chat about a cute moment between James and his daughter. Oh and there's castratos, dangerous dogs and James in a speedo. Wake up. This is TKIOF and it ain't our first rodeo.

Jeremy Lee is here this week and he basically just erupts with chat over the entire room, our ears, your ears and the ears of the world at large. He's got winter ingredients, tripe tales, Alistair Little/Simon Hopkinson/Rowley Leigh banter, and he explains how the behemoth that is Quo Vadis operates. He also reveals that he once got lost in his own building, wishes he could juggle (?) and LOVES the 'Blade' movies....

Meanwhile, Sam may have taken acid, James says something saucy about Elizabeth David and they ponder on whether saddles for dogs could be a wise business venture to undertake.

This week's episode is sponsored by Ian Botham Fan Club Treasurers dropwine.co.uk and Devon Malcom's social media officers ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Things that have been shot:

Evel Knievel from a cannon across a canyon

Digital ducks in the old Nintendo game ‘Duck Hunt’.

JFK

And something else that’s been shot? The breeze on this week’s wonderful new installment of the lovely podcast known to some as The Kitchen Is On Fire, to many others as TickyOff and to a fair few as Mouth Sounds From Legends.

After a festive season delay due to grim glands and poorly wives James and Sam reconvene at the office to pretty much howitzer the hell out of the damn breeze. Sam’s had a bad Christmas, James has cooked the Christmas food and they check in with the predictions they made for the year just past.
They also find time to discuss the Bros documentary, the creepy items James keeps in his desk box and Sam tries in vain to find out what creepy secret New Year’s resolution James has made. A lot of creepiness going down….

Then Alice Levine shows up dressed like a pilot with some very hot porridge in tow. The steamy oats are put to one side so this thrupple of chat can cover other equally as steamy topics such as recommending porn to your mother, pickled onions, a boot full of béchamel and Dame Emma Thompson.

There’s also hairy eyelids, big soups, the joys of eating club sandwiches in the nude and Alice reveals her new found favourite canned good. A clue, it rhymes with ‘porter mess shunt’. Cryptic, and not as gross as that clue might lead you to believe it is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by 2019’s greatest wine providers dropwine.co.uk and 2019’s most brilliant vodka creators ourvodka.com/ourlondon

Christmas etc. You know the drill. Presents, drunk uncles, wool-based clothing, dry birds, Babycham, an incredible amount of paper based recycling, murders on sitcoms, listening to the music of glam rockers with an uncomfortable feeling that perhaps there are yet more of of these spangly jumpsuited bass playing clowns still to be caught and brought to justice by long running police investigations.....Wow. Everyone loves Christmas, and everyone loves a TKIOF Christmas Special.

The TickyOff Boyz are here to upend a sack full of nonsense into your goddamn meatus acusticus externus. That's right, James and Sam are filling up yer ear canals with a dungheap of festive mouth sounds. This week there is weird heavy metal, there are Icelandic people and there is also Sam making a desperate plea for an old friend to get back in touch with him. Meanwhile, James is distracted by his Apple Watch and they both ponder on what to look for in a swinging partner.

Then, like a man with God's beard but dressed like an old-timey fireman sneaking down a chimney in the dead of night to leave pagan offerings beneath a dying tree in your front room, comedian Jamie Demetriou arrives and Sam and James turn into (drunk) giggling fanboys.

Jamie reveals all about his journey through the world of comedy including the Edinburgh Festival, working with his sister and his series 'Stath Lets Flats'.  He also creates sounds using his vocal cords upon his love for Frank Ocean, his dislike of Morris Dancers and the strange things his father gets up to.

Very similarly to a family-size box of Quality Street there's also the coffee cremes of chat, a lot of shouting about soup, a long winded discussion of anti-stomach ulcer medication and James favourite site for long braised, Aga-based pornography...

This weeks episode is sponsored by the 'Last Christmas''s of wine dropwine.co.uk and the 'Fairytale Of New York''s of vodka ourvodka.com/ourlondon

The TickyOff Boyz have just had their Christmas party and after all that festive ballyhoo, there’s only one thing for it: Ghost chat. This week there’s a ghost with an eyeball in a proper weird place and a talking pig.

Then Will Beckett from Hawksmoor arrives and these three ‘men’ get into far more than three topics. There’s the Hawksmoor origin story, company culture and tricky expansion. There’s side dishes, opening in NYC and the skill sets that restaurateurs require. That’s right, this week is serious and packs a hefty girth of genuine information. Who’d a thunk it?....

Also though, it is still TickyOff so there’s pretty niche ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ chat, Steven Gerrard and Phil Collins and Will reveals who ClamDad is.

This week’s episode is sponsored by the Santa Claus of the world of wine dropwine.co.uk and the Father Christmas of the land of vodka ourvodka.com/ourlondon