It never rains but it pours they say. Not true, let me tell you about a little wet thing I like to call, drizzle.
A watched pot never boils they say. Nonsense, I’ve watched loads and they’ve all boiled. Every single one, ever. I rarely do anything but watch pots until they boil. They call me the old pot-watcher.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush they say. I very much doubt that. I put a chaffinch in a solid gold suit of armour encrusted with diamonds, then threw him in a hedge. Meanwhile in my left hand, I’ve had a flea ridden pigeon with one eye and a bald patch on it’s head. If you surveyed a thousand people, I think they’d all say that the fancy-ass bush-bird was worth more than the decrepit grandpa street-pheasant.
What the above clearly illustrates is the need for truth and for facts. You have come to the right place.
This week James and Sam are spreading truth all over your minds as if truth is manure and your ears are a field and their mouths are the nozzle on a giant manure cannon.
Now they have made your mind-soil fertile, they go ahead and sow fact-seeds concerning such matters as Xian Biang Biang Noodles, Thom Yorke’s new record and pushing back boundaries in gymnasiums.
Then food writer, journalist and activist Jack Monroe shows up early (fortunately) and corrals the TickyOff Dumbos into some semblance of order. Jack talks about cooking with tinned ingredients, dream Dorito flavours, and the wonders of grated Spam. Sam wonders why all the recipes have prunes in them. James wonders how he can continue to avoid answering questions in the Quickfire Game in a timely manner. Jack wonders how to be more like Hugh Grant and how many Christmas trees can fit in a single house.
All this, plus: Explaining the concept of tax via the medium of Muller Fruit Corners! The stench of tinsel! A bad Mexican bandito impersonation! and Houdini, The Killer Lovebird!
This week’s episode is sponsored by ‘Fort Boyard’ semi-finalists in 1992: dropwine.co.uk and ‘The Generation Game’ coffee-machine with built-in alarmclock winners from way back in 1988: ourvodka.com/ourlondon